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Same thing has happened to me. I always knew that there were gaps in my memory, but thought that was normal, not everyone can remember everything right? But then seemingly out of nowhere I had a clear memory of SA that came to me, that was clear, or clearer than other childhood memories, and I knew straight away it was real but wouldn't believe it. And with it came the EF's and all the other stuff that come with it, and it was then that I started to look into it and saw that this could happen even to fairly high functioning people like me. Since then other memories have surfaced, but I have not pushed it as each time it really sets me back.   

I help back from telling people as I thought I would never be believed, but weirdly when I eventually (and reluctantly) related the whole experience to my closest friend he wasn't surprised at all and said he always knew something had happened from the way I was.

I had another memory a few weeks ago which I am still processing which is why I'm on this part of the site today. It's not easy, but these memories are real and you are not alone.

Hi, you have replied to my first post and very grateful
I am also in the uk and been referred to the community mental health team and still waiting for any kind of help 5 months later 
But have just started private therapy, and I'm struggling with the same thing; how to articulate my trauma. After 20 years of trying not to talk about it isn't just going to come out...
Personally I found it really helpful to write everything down beforehand and have reference points to go back to, or a few points I want to speak about and just concentrate on those, it's too much otherwise. And don't try and put it into their language, just tell your story, it's their job to interpret it and help.

Ok went for my first therapy session yesterday and still reeling a bit, I'm sure it's the right thing to do and she was very good and was really pleased with the knowledge that I had gained from this site and the fact that I had read the body keeps the score in 2 days! I talked through about 80% of my trauma which was tough, especially as had two really tough days at work and then come home to a very grumpy family who has no idea how hard it was:-/
Anyway, my question is, where is the best place on this site to post my therapy experience and ask some questions?
Feeling a bit  so any help would be appreciated 

Hi Kizzie

Thanks for your welcome.

My first appointment for therapy is now only 3 days away and I have started just today to have some EF's as I prepare to talk about it.

It's very perceptive of you from my post to pick up that I need to reduce the stress in my life, I am learning finally that I need to care for myself, but I am finding it hard to admit firstly that stuff happened and secondly that it has and will continue to affect my ability to function properly as a human.

This will be a long journey and I'm only at the beginning which makes me feel both hopeful and tired in equal measure.

I have so many questions about complex trauma, it's effects on parenting, coping mechanisms etc that I'm not quite sure where to begin.

But begin I must, and I know whatever questions I have there will be like minded people to answer them, and that makes a big difference.

Good to see you back on the site after your health issues. Hope you are ok 

Hi Ellis

I am with you when you say the thought of your family makes your skin crawl! Thought that was just me..

Happy to hear you are on the road to recovery, I am on start of that journey, so any advice would be welcome!

Good to see you here..
S

Hi aiminghigh.

Like your name wish I could have thought of something so eloquent.

The first post is the hardest, I have only just joined and still finding my way round, hope to hear more from you :-)
S

Hi!

There are no words are there?

Somehow we have to try and find them. I hope you can try and share, you have done the hard part so would love to hear more.

The stories are the things that bind us together so let's all share them..

Good to have you here!

Thank you all for your comments and warm welcome.

I have had a hard week, so this is the first time I have felt strong enough to reply, but thanks so much for your support. I have so many questions and am trying to figure out where to post them!

Will be looking round the site this week, and I have my first "professional appointment" this week so will lots of questions I guess?!?

Thanks again :-)

Hi there!

I have also recently joined the site. I felt for many years that there was no help, cure, or that talking about what happened would just "open up old wounds".

Finding this site has helped me to see that that talking about it does help and there are lots of us that have the same symptoms or been through the same things.

I am 3 days away from my first dose of professional help, but couldn't have done it without this site.

Good to have you on board and hope in time you can share more.

I can really relate to people believing you or not. I have felt those 2 feelings you mentioned many times and has stopped me being more honest in the past I think.

Reading posts like yours on here makes me believe I'm not crazy or manipulative, but a victim and that there other people out there like me who also feel exactly the same emotions.

I am also new to this site, so welcome!

S

Thanks for the warm welcome hope!

I do intend to start my journal this week, hopefully it will prove to be helpful.

Your name has reminded me that since discovering CPTSD and finding this site, that there is hope of recovery, and hope is a powerful thing. I have always tried to live my life and not be defined by the things that have happened which is positive, but my coping strategies have never been based on anything positive, so hopefully that can change.

Thanks again
S

****TW: Suicide - sexual and emotional abuse - alcohol abuse - self-harm mentions****

Hi everyone.

This is my first post on this board after a few weeks of reading and I'm so glad to have found it, as it has explained and made sense of a lot of things.

I thought it was about time I started to contribute, especially as I am about to start therapy for the first time in my life, and I think setting everything down in words on here first may help me to communicate the trauma and effects on me when the time comes to do that. I also want to contribute to other posts and support and help others where possible.

First of all I would like to thank the kind people who have spent time and effort in setting up and running this site, and also to all the people who have contributed with their experiences and advice, I feel that without you the road to recovery could have been much harder than it already is.

I started to write everything down (history of trauma, C-PTSD symptoms and feelings) and without even trying I'm at 2000 words plus!  So I may start a recovery journal where I can start getting it all out.

But without going into too much detail and after reading this site it's now clear to me that childhood wasn't "normal" as I assumed as the time, and that my mother in particular had narcissistic traits. My father took his own life when I was 12, and was replaced with an emotionally unstable and abusive stepfather. This led to self-harm, alcohol abuse from age 14 or so to numb the pain and risky behaviours to feel something, anything else. Unfortunately, as I'm sure many of you will know, this can become a vicious circle and these ways of "coping" led to further problems including sexual abuse aged 14/15 from a neighbour. After finally standing up to him and threatening to go to the police the neighbour also took his own life. There is more but I will leave that for another time.

Through all this there was no support or apologies, no recognition that a little boy was left to deal with all this on his own and turn out ok. However I became very good at pretending everything was ok and have been burying everything for almost two decades.

I am married with 3 children with ages ranging from 8-16, and have always tried my best to be a good husband and father, trying to break the cycle of abuse that can easily transferred from parent to child. I also hold down a stressful job where I have to manage up to 20 people. Sometimes I wonder how I've done all this, but recently I'm starting to see signs of everything tumbling down and I have realised that I could not bury the past forever.

Just one small example of this was recently while at a friend's house with no warning whatsoever in front of everyone I had a flashback and the fear simply roared up inside me. Shaking and with tears in my eyes I excused myself and locked myself in the bathroom and sat with my back to the door rocking back and forth and the tears felt like they would never stop. These kind of episodes are getting more and more frequent, and that made me finally start to talk about some of these issues with my wife and to start to seek some professional help. I also de-personalise frequently and my wife says "that my eyes change from alive to dead" with no warning.

Then one day I was googling my symptoms and while looking at personality disorders that didn't quite feel right I stumbled across the mention of C-PTSD and it was a lightbulb moment. It really helped to put a name to what I was going through and even better to stumble upon a whole community of people who were talking about it and offering support. Since finding this site, I have been to my GP and was fully open and honest and agreed that it was highly likely that I had PTSD (they don't use the C-PTSD term in the UK yet!). I have been referred on the NHS but there is a 7 month waiting list, so I am about to start getting treatment with a private therapist who has been highly recommended.

I hope to be an active member and will no doubt have plenty of questions about the healing process along the way.

I look forward to talking with you all.

Thanks
S