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Thanks for your response NarcKiddo. I think the 11 year old is easily swayed by older sibs in general, but when asked is honest. I was very dysregulated when it happened so I tried not to really react or make a big deal so he wouldn't know it was a point that caused me issues. That in itself sometimes increases behaviors in our house.

I agree, it's mostly my own trauma, with the added trust issues for the oldest. I think we will just try to make sure communication is as open as possible with both and see how things go. Sigh. Parenting with a trauma history is an extra level of frustration and fear. Not sure I recommend.

I'm trying to parse how much of my feelings are an over reaction because of my own trauma and what are proportional in this situation.

My oldest child has struggled with honesty to us over weird tiny things forever. Things she's never been in trouble for but often things we do ask her to not do. She's 22 next week and mostly in college so we try to let her mostly make her own choices. As an example, we have asked her not to have drugs in our home. Including thc, as it could put both parents jobs at risk. She still gets high in her room.

Then yesterday she took our youngest, just turned 11, to play tennis at a park nearby. But instead of tennis she called an uber and took him downtown and told him not to tell us.

Anyone telling a young kid to hide things from other adults is such a huge red flag to me. I'm very upset, to the point that I'm worried about this being a step towards grooming even tho even with all her other behaviors I have no reason to think this. I am really trying to not permanently put barriers in place to them spending time together based on this one thing. But I know with my abuse a lot of it was a person that did this at first- made special things happen for me and told me not to tell.

I worry that this isn't a one off thing, that it's more. That I'm not protecting him.

I don't know how to navigate this. The older child here will absolutely refuse to be truthful so there's not any way to converse about it openly. All I said so far was that I would really appreciate knowing where they were in case anything were to happen. Am I crazy to just plan to never let them be alone in the future? She's not typically very interested in doing things with her siblings anyway.

For me, yes 100% true. I actually cannot get the words out. I've shared enough that my therapist knows what happened and I'm trying to be able to talk about it but it is so hard.

I think shame is a huge component but I still haven't managed to completely sort out what else I'm feeling that makes it so hard. Maybe also not feeling safe enough? Even though I have no reason to feel unsafe in therapy. I don't know yet if it's a pivotal moment since all I've been able to do is answer questions in the affirmative.

I'm sorry you have had to survive this as well.

Thank you all for the ideas and for sharing that there are other things you have found more useful when triggered! Its good to know that I'm not the only one that is unsuccessful with this exercise (not that I wish *having* flashbacks or intrusive thoughts on anyone!).

I will check out Pete Walker's steps more closely, I think I need to have some tools well practiced when I'm not feeling overwhelmed and see if that helps more.

I'm really struggling with being very triggered by many things recently and in therapy we worked on putting the memories/feelings/etc in a safe place where they are locked away until I'm better prepared to process them (if ever). I have trouble with keeping things contained tho, and no matter what type of container I use or which part (little or older or current) puts it there, I still regularly feel like the same things come up. To the point where I don't know if I'm not doing it correctly or if there's something else that might work better.

Anybody have any tips on using a container or other tool to help with this when they are having lots of flashbacks?

So many of my early therapy sessions were bathed in silence.  My therapist would repeatedly say, "Think out loud."  I just couldn't do it.  The words were in my head, but they would not come out.  As they did start to come, they were mightily edited. 

This is so much me. I can't cry though, at least not about this. We've tried to talk about why I can't cry, I think I was trying so hard to not give them power over me. That worked well, clearly. Thank you for sharing about your struggle with this and your journey.

Sceal, shame and fear, yes. I can tell myself all day and night that there is nothing to be afraid of now but my brain (and body) clearly disagrees. Best of luck with this process.

Thank you woodsgnome! Your (and Kizzie's and sanmagic's and others) ideas are all amazing and I really appreciate your openness and willingness to share them. Getting out of the box of pain. You nailed it.

Lots to think about. Thank  you all.

I know I struggle with presenting ideas to my t, probably stemming from fear of making her upset (I have a strong tendency to never want to upset anybody and can always perceive ways that I am). Even though she's emphasized that this is my therapy and my voice. Ugg.

I will try to update on how things are going.

Good ideas, and I appreciate the vote of confidence, as I'm lacking in that for myself.

When you break things down, how do you approach those feelings/pieces? I feel like every time I can do do something simple, or answer questions without being triggered, the follow up of where that comes from then stops me. Will focusing on that surface answer in the long run be helpful? I'm new to this process in general and never sure I'm not just wasting everybody's time and energy. I have also been avoidant of some directions these conversations can take for so long that I just avoid by default now.

Thanks Sceal, it is good to know I'm not alone! I hope you find a way to heal as well. My kids therapist (fost/adopt kiddos) recommended that book and my first response when reading it was relief at knowing that not being able to talk about trauma isn't abnormal and that there wasn't just something wrong with me. I always assumed that it was all me until I read that book.

hi all,
I started therapy this last with a t who specializes in trauma a few months ago, due to anxiety/depression rooted in childhood trauma and brought out by current life events.  I've struggled with both talk therapy and emdr because I have so much trouble with talking about emotions and being verbal in general. We think the issue is really part of the trauma but its making it really difficult to process anything and move forward. I'm looking for things that others have found to move forward in healing and processing when they couldn't find the words to talk about it. I think some of it is triggering, some of it is just learned silence, and some if definitely the inner critic shutting me down. I just don't know how to work on those things since I literally freeze when trying to have a conversation about any of it.

I have used journalling to get stuff out, and t has even read parts, but it hasn't helped transition to talking about anything very much. Sometimes after journalling or spending a week thinking about the topic I have can sort of circle back on a thought, but its almost like I have to feel prepared (which is what I do in the rest of life - if I don't feel prepared I get really self conscious to the point where it is ridiculous). I rarely feel prepared when it comes to these topics though, even when I journal and try to come to terms with something outside of therapy.

Any body else have this issue or have suggestions about how to process or work through this? T is very patient, btw, this is pressure I am putting on myself. The more I delve into this, the worse I feel, not better, and I'm not sleeping well or functioning well. I don't really want to go back to ignoring it because I don't want to add to the legacy of this with my kids, and the body armoring has given me a lot of physical pain.