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Hi  Lorien. I am also new here and I completely identify with many of the things you have said... even 1/2 an Ativan everyday. My self confidence and self esteem vaporized and I am stunned how that ever happened ..just sucked out of me . It is almost embarrassing but I have started a " self esteem online course"  ( gag).. to see if I can head in a different direction. Unbelievable that this is me ... but it is.  I  worked for 28 years in a high stress , fast paced professional position and now I do not believeI can return. The daily anxiety is horrible. Yes " feelings flashbacks "...I get that too. Lets hope we both find some peace here .

Thanks for posting that video...very interesting for my situation.

Thank you for your responses an suggestions...I will watch the utube videos. My "trigger" was to do with feeling abandonment , that I do not "matter" and that I am invisible . I react to that trigger with an intensity that is not describable.  I feel like a 5 year old in emotional immaturity and deep embarrassment an shame add to the internal chaos. I become consumed in "flight" and need an escape RIGHT NOW!. It is the worst thing I have ever experienced ... and in hindsight only... it was not even true. It is MY perception, in my body and not the intention of the other person . So scary, so scary.... oh my. It makes me want to stay in the house, never go out and risk that anguish again...but I KNOW that is wrong. I cannot allow my feet to go down that path. I still need techniques to "thought stop" and somehow access the part of my brain that is in better working order. This is sometimes *.

I am new here , well "sort of new". I was here in a couple of years ago and today I just needed to find my way back. I thought I would be far better ( if that ever happens) but this past weekend I had the worst blindsiding trigger reaction that I have ever experienced. It has been well over a year since I reacted this acutely to anything, so .. here I am back. I I need to learn more from others and seek support and just be in contact with people struggling like I do . My story is on here somewhere ( maybe I will paste it ) and I continue to experience daily anxiety , ruminating .. and anger that can come from no where .

my original post was in 2015 (!)


I am new , desperate and feeling so broken in many many ways . I have recently completed a 56 day hospitalization for PTSD and now back at home . I have learned a lot... but have a very very long way to go. I try hard to apply all the techniques but the daily never ending anxiety will never stop. My spouse of 30 years betrayed me .. lied , had an affair with my friend . For 8 months he was in his own crisis from extreme abuse as a child . MLC apparently and he destroyed everything , blamed me and all the "typical" mid life horror show . I was so traumatised by this deceit in was beyond anything I can describe.. even I knew it was a reaction that was so severe, so inconsolable painfull ... I wanted to die . I could not rise above it. I turned to my mother for support or something , and she "blamed me and accused me of causing him to leave " etc etc .. that was the end . I should have known not to go anywhere near her as she has blamed me for all "bad things " in the world since birth. It was the final betrayal of a mother to a daughter . In treatment , I learned that my mother is " narcissistic spectrum mom" and my reaction to abandonement was soo traumatic due to my own childhood . I knew she was cold and mean and I have fought with her since birth .. but I never understood narcissist . So many painfull discoveries . I have much work to do to heal. I need all the help, wisdom and support I can get as I struggle incredibly with almost every PTSD issue . I appreciate any words from anyone that can offer some advise or simple support.

I am going to learn my way around this forum and stick with you lovely people... I still have much to learn .

I am new , desperate and feeling so broken in many many ways . I have recently completed a 56 day hospitalization for PTSD and now back at home . I have learned a lot... but have a very very long way to go. I try hard to apply all the techniques but the daily never ending anxiety will never stop. My spouse of 30 years betrayed me .. lied , had an affair with my friend . For 8 months he was in his own crisis from extreme abuse as a child . MLC apparently and he destroyed everything , blamed me and all the "typical" mid life horror show . I was so traumatised by this deceit in was beyond anything I can describe.. even I knew it was a reaction that was so severe, so inconsolable painfull ... I wanted to die . I could not rise above it. I turned to my mother for support or something , and she "blamed me and accused me of causing him to leave " etc etc .. that was the end . I should have known not to go anywhere near her as she has blamed me for all "bad things " in the world since birth. It was the final betrayal of a mother to a daughter . In treatment , I learned that my mother is " narcissistic spectrum mom" and my reaction to abandonement was soo traumatic due to my own childhood . I knew she was cold and mean and I have fought with her since birth .. but I never understood narcissist . So many painfull discoveries . I have much work to do to heal. I need all the help, wisdom and support I can get as I struggle incredibly with almost every PTSD issue . I appreciate any words from anyone that can offer some advise or simple support.

Hi Cinders .. I am 57 and I often feel it is too late. But my mother is nearly 87 . Am I going to be happy for possibly 30 years like this . The answer is NO. We can do better, feel better, think better .. I have to believe that . I only recently discovered she is a narcissist or somewhere on that spectrum... I am only at the beginning of "change". We can do better than this .... both of us .

Thank you Trace... I o belive that I love my husband deep down under all this emotional pain. I have just completed a 56 day in house trearment for PTSD and they relate my reactions to my husband behaving like my narcissistic mother  .. just a bullseye hit on extreme FOO issues . Who knew ? He acted just like her for a time period of 8 months . They are correct and I have found my "pain"... but I am so stuck with triggers , intrusive thoughts , reactivity ... it is hellish. I knew my husbands affair "person"...so ther is no guessing what she looks like etc... I can see them in my mind and I was not there , obviously. He is doing all he can do to repair the damage .. I fer I will never overcome this pain.

I am so thankfull for the responses . I need to understand why I reacted sooo incredibly destroyed when my husband had his own "midlife meltdown".. to the point of experiencing the deepest screaming out loud pain and a suicide attempt... extreme reaction to him saying he no longer loved me and wanted to leave etc    I am aware that this would be painfull for any women ... but for me , I was destroyed and begged t0 "die".....that cannot be eve remotely "normal"...Someone tell me,,, what is wrong with me ?

I am hoping (praying) that I am in the right place and miracles really do happen. I am in so much pain and crazy emotions , I have no clue what is happening to me . I have been diagnosed with PTSD and have been off work for several months trying to "heal". So, a little about me .. it is a long long story so this is the very condenced version . I am 55 , married for 30 years and have 5 daughters. My husband had an "identity / midlife crisis / breakdown" and informed me ( out of the blue) that he did not love me, never did, has been unhappy for years and all the other "monster " blame you can imagine . I saw NONE of this coming my way . This was in may 2013 and in Aug 2013 I asked him to leave because I was dying inside. He talked about leaving , being free etc .. but never actually made the ove , so I gave him a little "push". I have never been the same. My MOTHER blamed ME . She said "no man walks away from house , kids , job etc for no reason, you must have done something and it will all come out in the wash."She implied I had an affair and he caught me and left. I could no describe the rage if I stayed here all day. She has been a problem my entire life and I have fought with her .. but she never ever heard me . No matter what I said , she said "it doesn't matter ". I think "I" didn't matter. So, zero support from my mother at a time I thought about suicide ( I lived in a state of utter shock that after bing together for of 35 years.. he was gone ) If I tried to talk to her , she insisted no one in the family "needed to know" and implied I did something to him. I did not.  He was having an affair with my friend and if betrayal is not the most painfull gutting injury .. I am not sure what is .My reactions to rejection, abandonement , shock were so extreme , so deep an injury to me .. I could not function. After 90 days out of the house, he ended his affair, got himself into entensive counselling and begs forgiveness . He wants to repair the marriage and the damage and has  been trying to do so since December 2014 . We are in weekly counselling , but I am "stuck" and in pain that sobs your very soul out , I cannot move forward , commit to staying and am consumed with anxiety and triggers  It is *. My MOTHER . Again, more trouble for me . She attacks.. she does not talk. She has never EVER had 1 spec of compassion, NEVER has hugged or been affectionate, I have never heard a compliment in my entire life and is cold , demanding ( she is the "Queen") and always angry. She called me after my husband came home. She told me ( yelled ) "you better can over it before you spoil everyones Christmas . Your face is making everyone miserable. " .She told me I was" lucky he even came back now forget about it, it doesn't matter". I told her I need someone to talk to, and she said "what in the name of God I there to talk about ?" . She told me to be HAPPY and get OVER IT . I had rage from 50 years of my mother never hearing or seeing me utterly explode . I broke my thumb, I screamed and screamed and could not stop. My husbands affair and actions felt like my mothers action.. ignoring , silence, not mattering , not have an opinion, not heard . My therapist said " your mother sounds like a narcissist ', so we explored that and sorry to say that at age 55 Ifinally know what is wrong with my mother . WOW! but the pain and the scars are so very very deep and painfull and my husband actions slaughtered me . We have been attempting to reconcile fir 18 months and still I can no make a decision abut who my husband really is and what I mean to anyone in the world . My mother is a narcissist and my  husband is a cheaer , I cannt fix this marriage due to some very severe FOO issues , His FOO issues are far far worse  I just have no clue about him or mother  . I just long to run and be alone . How do I know she is a narcissist ? And I see no ability to save this marriage . And that is  very sad sad thing . I live in rage and hurt ..
Thanks for listening .