I live in an affluent, educated town in a prosperous area of one of the most advanced Countries in the world and yet the only service available to me, referred by my GP, is something called 'Healthy Minds'. Even the name is rather patronising and suggests that this is something easily achieved. Of course, for some conditions, counselling and talking therapy are wonderful and provide an invaluable service and support, but Complex Post Traumatic Stress is unfortunately, as its name suggests, complex and needs to be placed in the hands of someone who understands it and knows, at the very least, how not to make it worse.
At Healthy Minds I met a lovely lady who gave me lots of tick box forms to fill in about my levels of anxiety. She explained that she was a cognitive behaviour therapist. I was shocked and upset because I had explained to the GP, who had received my psychiatric assessment notes, that I needed a specialist in CPTSD and that all research into this disorder, showed that simple single approach treatments such as CBT would at best scratch the surface, and would probably cause more harm by shining a light on all of the feelings of inadequacy that years of neglect and abuse had caused, but with no training in trauma therapy or indeed any knowledge at all of CPTSD, such a therapist would not be able to help. (The GP that I had initially seen had filled in a tick box sheet. I said that none of this was relevant or applicable, but she said I wouldn't get into the system if 'we didn't tick some of the boxes.')
I explained to the CBT counsellor that I needed to see someone with psychology and trauma training and at least an awareness of CPTSD. She seemed to feel insulted by my rejection of her services. If she, or the referring GP, had known anything about Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder then they would have known that someone like me needs to fully believed and supported because we are waiting for the next hurt or rejection or criticism, and when triggered, our brain and body forces us into an emotional flashback over which we have little control and within which we can become trapped for hours or days or longer. Emotional flashbacks which have no visual component are one of differences that CPTSD displays rather than visual flashbacks which are known to be part of PTSD.
The lady at Healthy Minds conceded that my case was complex and that she would speak to the psychiatry team about the best cause of treatment for me. Finally, I thought that I might find a specialist who could understand me and start to help me. Eventually I received a letter from Healthy Minds telling me that I had been referred to MIND for a short 10 week course of Interpersonal Therapy. Even writing this is making me shake and cry; there really isn't anyone willing or able to help or to even believe me!
I telephoned them and the lady I had seen was there but apparently preferred to get her supervisor to discuss the decision with me. He did not cal,l so I called again and suggested I wanted to make a complaint. The supervisor did then call but explained that he knew nothing about me or my case. I explained everything I knew about CPTSD. I needed to refer to some of the books and clinical studies because I needed backup. He told me that I seemed rather fixated on what I had read and that he needed symptoms. If he had known anything about CPTSD, he would have known that this comment alone has been enough to hurl me into an emotional flashback where I am the bullied boff at school who is using books to try and escape.
Over the phone this complete stranger wanted a list of my symptoms. To do what? To see if I am genuine? I have spent 50 years showing the world a confident and competent person. Is it likely that I will break these barriers now and reveal all to the man from Healthy Minds? He asked what my single incident trigger had been. That is PTSD. I don't have PTSD and it would probably be insulting to someone with PTSD to suggest that I could have. Since I really had nothing to lose now because it was clear there was no suggestion of appropriate help or support, I thought I might be brave and actually stand up to someone. I told him that I was offended by his questions and the suggestion that a 10 week chat with a counsellor would cure me. He asked what made me think that I had PTSD. He said that 'if' I did have it then maybe they could rethink the treatment. As I was walking through town with my daughter I didn't tell him why I thought I did not have PTSD, and why I did know that I have been suffering with CPTSD all my life.
I could have listed my adoption by dysfunctional abusive parents and the years of abusive. I could have discussed them abandoning me and the rape that I have always blamed myself for. I could have continued with details about my years in a physically and mentally abusive relationship. I could then have gone on to tell him all about finding my biological family and the hurt and rejection which again, I blame myself for, since I went looking for them. I could have listed off all the bullies and narcissists that I have been attracted to and rejected by. I could have told him that I struggle to leave the house because the fear of hurt and rejection has become so overwhelming, that I cry and shake at the slightest thing and really find it difficult to see why I am here at all.
But, I didn't.
I suppose that this has reaffirmed my belief that the only person who can really 'save' me is me. All of the research from Attachment Theory to current guidelines on CPTSD suggests that someone like me will always be looking for that acceptance that they never had, always waiting to be liked and saved, to be good enough, and when they are not, when they are questioned and doubted, and their feelings belittled, they will retreat and blame themselves some more.
At Healthy Minds I met a lovely lady who gave me lots of tick box forms to fill in about my levels of anxiety. She explained that she was a cognitive behaviour therapist. I was shocked and upset because I had explained to the GP, who had received my psychiatric assessment notes, that I needed a specialist in CPTSD and that all research into this disorder, showed that simple single approach treatments such as CBT would at best scratch the surface, and would probably cause more harm by shining a light on all of the feelings of inadequacy that years of neglect and abuse had caused, but with no training in trauma therapy or indeed any knowledge at all of CPTSD, such a therapist would not be able to help. (The GP that I had initially seen had filled in a tick box sheet. I said that none of this was relevant or applicable, but she said I wouldn't get into the system if 'we didn't tick some of the boxes.')
I explained to the CBT counsellor that I needed to see someone with psychology and trauma training and at least an awareness of CPTSD. She seemed to feel insulted by my rejection of her services. If she, or the referring GP, had known anything about Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder then they would have known that someone like me needs to fully believed and supported because we are waiting for the next hurt or rejection or criticism, and when triggered, our brain and body forces us into an emotional flashback over which we have little control and within which we can become trapped for hours or days or longer. Emotional flashbacks which have no visual component are one of differences that CPTSD displays rather than visual flashbacks which are known to be part of PTSD.
The lady at Healthy Minds conceded that my case was complex and that she would speak to the psychiatry team about the best cause of treatment for me. Finally, I thought that I might find a specialist who could understand me and start to help me. Eventually I received a letter from Healthy Minds telling me that I had been referred to MIND for a short 10 week course of Interpersonal Therapy. Even writing this is making me shake and cry; there really isn't anyone willing or able to help or to even believe me!
I telephoned them and the lady I had seen was there but apparently preferred to get her supervisor to discuss the decision with me. He did not cal,l so I called again and suggested I wanted to make a complaint. The supervisor did then call but explained that he knew nothing about me or my case. I explained everything I knew about CPTSD. I needed to refer to some of the books and clinical studies because I needed backup. He told me that I seemed rather fixated on what I had read and that he needed symptoms. If he had known anything about CPTSD, he would have known that this comment alone has been enough to hurl me into an emotional flashback where I am the bullied boff at school who is using books to try and escape.
Over the phone this complete stranger wanted a list of my symptoms. To do what? To see if I am genuine? I have spent 50 years showing the world a confident and competent person. Is it likely that I will break these barriers now and reveal all to the man from Healthy Minds? He asked what my single incident trigger had been. That is PTSD. I don't have PTSD and it would probably be insulting to someone with PTSD to suggest that I could have. Since I really had nothing to lose now because it was clear there was no suggestion of appropriate help or support, I thought I might be brave and actually stand up to someone. I told him that I was offended by his questions and the suggestion that a 10 week chat with a counsellor would cure me. He asked what made me think that I had PTSD. He said that 'if' I did have it then maybe they could rethink the treatment. As I was walking through town with my daughter I didn't tell him why I thought I did not have PTSD, and why I did know that I have been suffering with CPTSD all my life.
I could have listed my adoption by dysfunctional abusive parents and the years of abusive. I could have discussed them abandoning me and the rape that I have always blamed myself for. I could have continued with details about my years in a physically and mentally abusive relationship. I could then have gone on to tell him all about finding my biological family and the hurt and rejection which again, I blame myself for, since I went looking for them. I could have listed off all the bullies and narcissists that I have been attracted to and rejected by. I could have told him that I struggle to leave the house because the fear of hurt and rejection has become so overwhelming, that I cry and shake at the slightest thing and really find it difficult to see why I am here at all.
But, I didn't.
I suppose that this has reaffirmed my belief that the only person who can really 'save' me is me. All of the research from Attachment Theory to current guidelines on CPTSD suggests that someone like me will always be looking for that acceptance that they never had, always waiting to be liked and saved, to be good enough, and when they are not, when they are questioned and doubted, and their feelings belittled, they will retreat and blame themselves some more.