Messages

That's your gut talking, Sceal.  Listen to it!

I too have done some form of SH throughout my life. Either picking at hang nails until they bled or picking at skin on my feet.  Now I'm obsessed with skin on my ear!  I've read it is either a way to dissociate -- to leave the current situation -- or a way to feel when we have become used to being numbed out.  I'm not sure what is true for me.  I get some satisfaction out of it.  It might be worth accepting it and knowing you are doing it as a result of what happened to cause your cptsd. 

I hear you, mourningme.  I don't think I can ever forgive my father for abandoning my family, or my mother for the emotional abuse we endured from her afterwards.  How do you forgive someone who never acknowledged the harm they did?  Who never apologized?  Who never changed? 

I think forgiveness as an intellectual act is one thing -- but emotionally, it's something else.  The type of abuse that causes cptsd is much tougher to forgive than ordinary wrongs.  We survivors of cptsd have to first protect ourselves, forgive OURSELVES, and fortify our boundaries against future harm before we can take that big leap to forgive the perpetrators of our long-term suffering. 

People with cptsd tend to be tough on ourselves, self-critical.  I would recommend extending forgiveness to yourself first -- true acceptance -- before you think about forgiving those who harmed you.  Self-forgiveness and acceptance is tough for us, but necessary.

Hi Marbles.  Sorry for what you're going through.  I'm finding that besides reading this blog, it helps to read articles about the type of dysfunctional/disorder that I was exposed to, which I think is either narcissistic parent or borderline parent.  It's very validating.  As for getting stabilized, have you ever tried mindfulness?  Either yoga or meditation or something meditative like adult coloring books.  Or being in nature.  Anything that settles you in the present, fully focused on the present moment.

Thanks, eyesoblue.  Those are helpful ideas. 

Since going NC with two members of my family, I have thought about specific instances of trauma several times as justification.  I wonder if writing those examples down will be helpful.  Maybe it is the result of having cptsd, but my own recollection of events is weak.  And like much of family trauma, it was hidden -- harsh words spoken to me alone or being the sole witness of inappropriate behavior.   My siblings and I have never really talked about it, and only one of them agrees that we were traumatized. 

Has anyone else journaled their trauma to bring it into focus or to serve as a written reminder that the behavior was not normal?

Thanks for sharing, woodsgnome.  Therapy is hard precisely because it forces us to confront and feel feelings that are scary and uncomfortable.  Cut yourself some slack.  Ask for your therapist's support in handling the bitterness as it comes out.  We with cptsd learned to numb out when trauma threatened to overwhelm us.  But it's not a great strategy in adulthood.  I think I dissociate on and off throughout the day.  Give yourself a hug and credit for surviving what you survived, and for the courage to face it now in order to heal.

1) Finished a book for book club -- good to finish something
2) Went shopping for food with my daughter
3) Got a message from my son who is traveling - I miss him
4) Did a short yoga routine at the end of which I almost fell asleep which means I was truly relaxed

Welcome to the club, Susie24.  Especially the part about not wanting to upset or offend or makes mistakes.  We with cptsd are constantly trying to avoid/sidestep more trauma.  Having a name for what happened is really empowering, I have found.  Sharing our experience is too.  I think there are probably more of us raised by BP mothers than the mental health profession realizes.  It's difficult but this community is here to help.

Oranrose - The word "robbed" came to mind for me too recently, after a negative interaction with my abusive mother and oldest sister. I have often felt like I was robbed of "normal" -- just plain normal parent who didn't undermine me, make comments about my body, make bigoted comments, or unleash rage at the drop of a hat.  We were robbed of something really essential and I think it's important to acknowledge that and experience that disappointment/grief.  I used to think at some point, we have to stop blaming our parents. But I also think we have to fully explore or name what has happened before we can get to that point of either acceptance or forgiveness.

Maybe since you used the metaphor of being robbed, having something taken from you, you can make a point of giving yourself something special.  For no reason at all.  A massage (if that doesn't trigger), a trip, special dinner out, whatever makes you feel good.

This post is about anger and coping with this emotion I usually avoid.  I recently went NC with an emotionally abusive mother and sister, which I feel somewhat conflicted about.  But whenever I think about being in contact particularly with mom, I seethe with anger.  I think about sarcastic things I would say or do.  Instead of trying to be the good daughter, as I've been all my life, I would probably avoid or glare or be rude.  I would love to tell her to go to * but of course that wouldn't solve anything.

Experiencing and releasing anger is tough for survivors of cptsd.  Anyone else have this experience?

Even people without CPTSD are deeply troubled by what's been happening so it's no surprise we are.  It's normal human instinct to react when we see/hear children cry.  Survivors of CPTSD are sensitive for good reason.  I think we'll be learning more about what's been happening in these detention centers -- like drugging the kids with psychotropics in one facility! -- so we need to take care of ourselves.  As the saying goes, "you can't give what you don't have."  In order to be a good citizen in whatever way we choose to, we need to continue to take care of ourselves when triggered.  Maintain routines, self-care, talking to sympathetic people, finding ways to help with donations or calling our representatives.  I've been in a kind of stupor over the last few days -- trauma is very compelling.  But we have to pull ourselves back out.

I'm no expert, Littleboat, but two thoughts come to mind: 1)  take breaks from tv/radio/internet to go outside or do something physical.  Being in nature always makes me feel better.   2) pay attention to the "helpers" -- people who are organizing events, raising money.  It's a reminder that there is still compassion despite the trauma we are witnessing. 

Hi Phoebes. I'm new to OOTS and had a thought about your post.  What you call paranoia might actually be somewhat learned behavior from the NPD parent.  My mother has either NPD or BPD -- and she sees ill will everywhere.  She thinks everyone is out to get her or has bad intentions.  If yours did/does the same, you may be simply exhibiting the same coping behavior.  But as others have said, you may also have a legit concern that she means you harm.  I would take heart in that your true friends know the truth.  You could reach out to just one of them and ask if they have heard from your NPDm. 

Breathe! 

Thanks, finallyfree.  I feel finally free!