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My partner of almost 3 years recently revealed to me that he relapsed on a Xanax addiction I was unaware he ever had. He had been clean the entire time we were dating, but never told me he ever had this addiction due to my feelings towards it. Xanax contributed to a lot of my childhood trauma and is one of my strongest triggers. I am upset for his selfish act of keeping this from me-- although I do understand behavior like this is the mark of someone struggling with dependency-- and I fear that staying with him through his treatment and potential future relapses would be overall harmful to my wellbeing.

On the other hand, my partner has patiently worked with me through my mood swings, suicidal thoughts and tendencies, trust issues, agressive outbursts, and several other conflicts associated with my mental illnesses. I can't help but shake the feeling that while he supported me through my own efforts to get better, I would be giving up on him the one time he needed the same from me.

I'm struggling to not view this through the scope of my own pain and would appreciate some input from an objective third party.

Okay, I'm not sure if this is the place for me, but I don't really know where else to turn for help. I apologize if this is a choppy message-- or if it goes against the agenda of this cite all together-- but I really need some guidance on what I am/ have been dealing with.

I haven't been diagnosed with CPTSD or even discussed it with a professional because I felt like I had it taken care of myself. I grew up in the Midwest surrounded by severe neglect, mental illness, and drug abuse. Fortunately, I was given an amazing opportunity to pursue part of my higher out in the Pacific Northwest. I've spent a year out here, and while I had immense difficulty adapting, have been overall happier and more productive than I've ever been. Unfortunately, financial circumstance has resulted in me having to go back to my home state to continue my education.

I've been overwhelmed with the feelings of apprehension and helplessness. I've been experiencing what I can only identify as flashbacks (of course I don't know this for sure, simply using the terminology for lack of better description). It feels like someone is pulling out a file of my own trauma and sending it to every neuron in my brain. My body is in immense pain with no explainable rationale; my periods have been off the charts unpredictable. My appetite and digestion have been off. I'm lucky to go to sleep before 4 am. My ability to focus on my academics has plundered, and I'm typically a dean's list student. And overall, I have this massive amount a fear, dread and sadness that leaves me bedridden.

I've been diagnosed with anxiety, depression, OCD, and a few other disorders, but these symptoms feel absolutely new and foreign to my body. I've displayed some symptoms of PTSD and/or CPTSD in the past, but I've pushed off the idea if a therapist ever brought it up. I've never discussed any of my past trauma with anyone because I never felt like I needed to. I wish I would have taken the opportunity when I did. I am about to lose my health insurance, and I make just just enoug to fall into the coverage gap, so I don't see myself having any options in that regard anytime soon.

I really don't know where to turn to make sense of what I'm feeling, and I don't want to be stuck in some endless loop of self diagnosing. If anyone has any advice on what I should do to begin addressing this, it would mean so much. I'm desparate at this point.