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Hey everyone. I just wanted to say I can relate to everything you've written. The thing thats so insidious about the emotional abuse of a young child is that a child doesn't have anything to juxtapose the abuse against what is considered normal, healthy behaviors. And many times its cloaked as a parent doing whats in the best interest for the child. Even though I constantly pushed back against the scapegoating and gaslighting, I realized that the abuse only got worse each time I did. So at a certain point, around thirteen I began to beleive I was worthless, unlovable and all the other things that I had been told. It was less painful for me to beleive those things than to believe that my M would hurt me on purpose and derive pleasure from my pain!  But as I got older, the more virulent my M became, I began to realize she was PD and that I was the healthy one. I began to feel a sense of helplessness and soon became numb to all the insults and abuses while my soul died inside. And thats when the physical abuses intensified. The most painful aspects of the emotional abuse is that I knew no one would ever believe me and if they did they would just minimize it. I just wanted to say I admire you all for your strength and courage in facing these demons eveyday and not giving up on the possibility of some semblence of a healthy life. 

Thanks Sanmagic7 for your advice. Prior to joining the forum, I had read information voraciously, on this board and other sites. But one of the things I"ve found most endearing about this forum, is the validation I"ve gotten from reading about other peoples experiences and shared knowledge. Its comforting if a bit disconcerting, to know that I'm not alone with my struggles.  And I'll never turn down a free hug.

Cookido, does that help you?

One of my coping strategies growing up in my FOO was to find an isolated part of the house like the basement to avoid the abuse which would come out of nowhere unexpectedly at anytime despite my best efforts. In school I learned to just be quiet and stay as anonymous as possible.  I learned to be on constant alert no matter how "safe" things seemed to be because their was no such thing as safe at home or school due to constant bullying.  In my early twenties due to alot of self work I forced myself to take chances and engage in social situations that felt uncomfortable and scary. So much so that people who didn't know me then could never imagine me being shy and submissive.

But lately, due to alot of triggering, I've found myself reverting back to my old, isolationist tendancies due to my increased hypervigilence. I want to reach out to people but my inner critic is constantly searching for critical reactions towards me. The problem is when I notice someone actually being critical of me that one instance will take precedence over all the postive feedback I get from people and I isolate even more. What do I need to do?

Hi everyone. I've dealt with the consequences of cptsd and Narc abuse for over forty years but only recently found out about the actual disorders over the past couple of years.  Various therapists and marraige counselors had convinced me that my concerns over my treatment by my ex Npd W were manifestations arising from low self esteem,  paranoia, insecurity and self sabotage based on my " inability to get along with my mother".  Despite my best intuitions, I attempted to compromise and take responsibility for other peoples actions against me. This "gaslighting" made me very vunerable to much more abuse and betrayals and led to alot more pain on my part because you all know that  covert Narcs will take and use you until there is nothing left. These experiences had left me very cynical of the mental health profession.

Since I've come to understand the actual abuses I've suffered I've reached out to several therapists in my area who've professed to be well informed on trauma.  I equate a good T to a fitness trainer. I know whats necessary to get in shape but I need someone with the expertise to set up a special diet and help me train specific muscles. Unfortunately, all they have offered is  generalized, cookie cutter advice that doesn't address my condition, at best. And at worst, some have become downright hostile towards me, when their inability or lack of knowledge has been exposed. One even blamed me for allowing myself to be abused!  I find myself  having way more knowledge on the subjects than they do. . Troubled finding a capable T seems to be a common refrain on this board.  I would like to know if any of you all have found success "treating" yourselves. And if so, how.

Thank you so much. Thats just a small fraction of what I've had to deal with in my life. And I have to literally laugh sometimes because its almost ludicrous when I reflect back on the challenges I've faced. The gifts I've recieved though are the knowledge that we possess a resiliency, strength and insight in human behavior that most people never have to  tap into.  I just look forward to learning how others in unfortunate circumstances like me, deal with their own unique challenges. And how they are able to leave the pain in the past move forward in their lives.

I just wanted to thank you all for your kind words.  Ive lurked the forum for awhile and its amazing and comforting to know that my experiences with cptsd are not isolated . And to know I can share in an environment filled with safety and empathy. The one thing I know is after all my challenges I'm still standing and determined to heal to the best of my abilitiy.

Hello to everyone. I am a middle aged divorced (married for 14 yrs, divorced since 2002) father of two grown mid 20's children, a daughter and a son.  I also have a 3 yr old grandson.  I have 2 siblings, a brother and sister, who are 3 and 6 years younger than me, respectively.  My M and F are both  deceased (2001, 2013). 
I've suffered from some form of depression since I was ten years old.  In 2008 I was diagnosed with persistent depressive disorder and also g.a.d..  I've also dealt with bouts of severe insomnia for several years.  I have experienced symptoms associated with c-ptsd.  I've missed work increasingly over the past few years, withdrawn from all activities, found it hard to even get out of bed at times and basically have been unable to derive any pleasure out of anything.  Disturbingly, I've had episodes of s ideation. 

My problems originated from the childhood abuse and neglect (emotional, mental and physical) that was systematically inflicted upon me by my M all during my upbringing.  Some of these abuses consisted of being told consistently I was evil, hateful, unlovable, ugly and unfavorable comparisons being made between me and my siblings.  Once when I was around eleven years old, she told my siblings that one day I would try to kill them and that she hoped they'd kill me first.  I would be punished (mostly consisting of beatings) for things I hadn't done, being told my innocence didn't matter. She would call all her relatives and friends to tell them about how horrible I was within earshot of me.  And the few times my F got involved he would threaten me with violence, siding with my M's negative viewpoint of me without giving me a chance to speak up and defend myself.  I didn't have anyone to confide in and nowhere to go. As a consequence, I developed depression and low self esteem into my early twenties until I decided to make fundamental changes in how I viewed myself and approached life.  My life improved dramatically as I began to realize I had as much value and worth as anyone else despite my FOO dysfunction.

A few years later I married a wonderful woman.  She seemed to be everything I had been looking for in a companion. I attributed my good fortune to be a result of the changes I had made in myself and assumed she was attracted to all the positive attributes I exhibited.  Unfortunately, during the first year of our marriage, my W would constantly lie, be emotionally unavailable, and be physically abusive knowing I wouldn't retaliate.  When I would mention the possibility of divorce, she would apologize and promise to stop her dysfunctional behavior, only to resume it later. We separated a couple of times. She did everything in her power to keep me around even though she wasn't emotionally invested in our relationship.  After a final physical confrontation initiated by her, I retaliated and realized she would never change and things could get dangerously worse on my part.  So I filed for divorce not realizing she was a covert narc.

    Since that time, I have experienced the following:
1. Gone through a very nasty separation and divorce punctuated by false allegations of abuse and neglect of my ex W and
    children.
2. The premature passing of my M from liver cancer w/ no closure
3.  Been defrauded by my sister, with the help of my ex W, of thirty to fifty thousand dollars.
4.  Estrangement from my daughter for a year with help from clinicians who were supposed to be helping her with
     depression and self harm tendencies.
5.  Dealt with harassment from supervisors at my job
6.  Financial ruin resulting from a combination of a negative divorce settlement and the aforementioned defrauding.
7.  Dealt with a major depressive episode just before my house was destroyed by an electrical fire.
8.  A two year legal battle against the contractor who was hired to rebuild my house, the mortgage companies who held the
     lien on my property and who refused to release the monies owed me.
9.  Being forced to move back in with my father in the house I lived in twenty five years earlier at 48 and losing my previous
     house to foreclosure.
10. Being attacked by my teenage son,
11. Getting temporarily paralyzed in a car accident during the incident with my son.
12. Being estranged from my son for three years from parental alienation.
13. Finding my F passed away in his house from an apparent heart attack.
14. Surgery to correct chronic pain that had been misdiagnosed for over ten years
15. Estrangement from my only other sibling (brother) for over 4 yrs and also my
       daughter (again) for the past year
16. The realization that during the whole course of my marriage my narc M and narc ex W had colluded to systematically
       abuse me.
       They used the same techniques (gas lighting, smear campaigning, lying, projection, hoovering, scapegoating etc.) that
       had been  used on me during my childhood.  My ex w used my openness about my abusive upbringing to create
        confusion and uncertainty in my mind when I began to object to what I perceived as unacceptable behavior from her.

I've only recently learned about the existence of covert narcs and c-ptsd during the past year and a half.  And even though these revelations have provided me with long missing answers they also have made me succeptable to a wide range of emotions. Most notably anger, after realizing how long I had been purposely deceived, hurt and betrayed by those who should've loved me the most. After seriously relasping I'm looking forward to resuming my healing journey and possibly helping others with my humble input. I apologize for the length. There were alot more details but I edited the post as best as I could to shorten it.

P.S, Mothers Day is definately a trigger.