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Wow. I had never considered something as simple as YouTube for help. Genius what technology offers. I just watched that entire video, and clicked on a few others that popped up and have been taking notes all morning. I cant afford actual therapy (my children are in therapy- theirs is free through my state but only up to 18) - and this seems like a great temporary alternative. I have 2 books I just started as well, Stop Walking On Eggshells and I'm Ok, You're Not Ok- both very insightful and helpful so far. I am having a much stronger morning then the past few weeks and feeling a glimpse of hope for the first time that I will one day be on the other side of this. Thank you for that, and all your insight <3 

I don't think you will see this, but I just wanted to put it out there I read your entire story, and I think you are an inspiration. I am so deeply sorry for all the pain you have had to endure  Hopefully you are doing well and thriving in your journey <3 Thank you for sharing all of those personal details, prayers and love 

Thank you for your response 

I struggle with no contact because of our kids, I try to make it only about the kids but that doesnt stop him from starting his little comments that he knows will trigger a reaction- if I fight it and ignore- he will dig deeper and harder (but quietly) so I snap off or respond and then BAM im the crazy one who cant even have a conversation and he will try to record me if I get loud at all while he laughs and acts like he did nothing to provoke me. So so hard to let his words bounce off of me. He thinks hes 100% right and I am this terrible twisted person that just left him for no reason other then "wanting to relive your 20's and be a whore and go to the bars", Since I had our babies at 21/23. Not true. I dont need to defend that here I hope, because on my children that is and has never been who I am. He even knows that....maybe thats why he always uses that, he knows it will upset me.

I havent spoken to him now in over 24 hours and he sent me an email this morning stating I am such a lost cause and ruining our children for not letting them talk to him yesterday. But if I let him talk to them, he fills their heads with * and it litterally stresses them out because he refuses to hang up with them and gets upset if they dont wanna talk to him.

So sorry for all my rambling. It does feel good to finally get it out of my head and in writing, so even if no one reads this- it helped me to get it off my chest for the moment.

Thank you!! I was a little too excited that someone responded to me! haha

Mine were triggered by a combination of a text from my BPD /NPD ex, ripping apart my existence basically and ending it with "I am so much better off without you, thanks for giving me the best gift by leaving so I could see how pathetic you are- the only good you have ever done is bring our children into this world"- & my 5 year old son deciding after a visit with dad he "liked dad better and is going to move in with him" and that dad told him its up to mom to decide if he can live there.

I gave up everything for my babies, protected them from the harmful and dangerous and neglectful things he did the 8.5 years we lived together. Finally got the courage to move into my own place, have my own car, and have been surviving without him for 9 months now. Got my kids in therapy, support them financially (with the occasional monthly transfer of 200 bucks for 2 kids), take care of their school stuff, am involved in their activities, we go to play dates, jump zones...
and yet he shows up for a weekend and I'm the bad guy and he's the hero and "more fun" then mom.

Thanks for sitting with me, ugly crying with someone else that understands is comforting- ill say a prayer for your healing as well <3

First visit to this porch.
Feeling so alone the past few days. Need a safe place to drink tea, cry, and feel the pain I have buried so very deep for so very long. I always have to be the strong one, and I am so tired. 

Even though I am physically alone (with the exception of 2 little nuggets still wide awake and loud as ever)- I know somewhere out there, someone is on this porch with me, soaking in the scenery and the silence, and validating my insatiable need to ugly cry about nothing and everything all at once.

Thanks for allowing me to visit the healing porch, I feel a touch of relief and acceptance after finding this outlet- exactly what I needed to remind me that there is always hope <3

Hello!
I just found this site today. I have only read a few posts, but I could not be more relieved to know I am not alone. I developed CPTSD from a 8.5 year relationship with the father of my children who has Borderline Personality Disorder with Narcissistic tendencies. He was diagnosed in May of 2017 after trying to commit suicide and being committed for 8 days. I already had my escape plan finalized at that point, signed a lease that started in July '17, but he was not aware of that yet. I had hope that the hospital stay and diagnosis would help him and he would get therapy, but it just gave him an excuse for his behaviors and choices and wrong doings.

I thought it would be over, or at least better/easier, once I was moved out with my kids. Boy was I wrong.
I moved out as planned. 1 month later, I told him he needed to stop showing up unannounced and he had to knock before he came in... it was a huge fight, but I stood my ground. He came over the next night, (unannounced of course) and told me in tears he had just left the hospital and had a tumor in his lungs and it was probably malignant. Next day he tells me he went and had a biopsy, and was diagnosed with terminal cancer and had less then 5 years to live. Eventually, when I wouldnt take him back regardless of the cancer, it changed to he had 7 months to live. Pretended to go to chemo weekly, guilted me for not allowing him to move in with me and take care of him, told me I was a horrible person and mother and that when he was dead my kids would hate me.
Found out 3 months later, beginning of Dec 2017, it was all a big giant lie. Never happened. No tumor. No cancer. No chemo.

And guess who he blames the big lie on? Me! "If you loved me as much as I loved you, you would never have left me and given up on me and I wouldnt have lost control to get you back. You should feel lucky since no one will ever love you that much to make up an illness just to fight for you"

He continued to stalk/harrass/threaten me, multiple police reports made. After he was barred from my apartment complex for fist fighting my neighbors boyfriend, and started manipulating our childrens views of reality and bringing them to tears each time they would come home- I cut off contact, including with our 2 children. That lasted a few weeks, then get supeoned to court for paternal rights. I took the last of my money- paid a retainer fee in March and am fighting for full desicion making and residential custody (Illinois is super weird with custody laws- no such thing as "full custody" unless the other parent signs over their rights, which he would NEVER do). He will still be allowed visitation but it will be minimal.

He now has a girlfriend and I am now the enemy. He sent me a text last night (because I am an idiot and unblocked him when he was being nice for 2 days when my grandma was in the hospital last weekend) that spiraled into me into a panic attack, even though I know deep down the things he says are not true. Its hard when im already insecure and feel like a bad mom for tearing my family apart (like he reminds me every day) and then he tells me I will never accomplish anything in life and im a pathetic excuse of a person and my children will grow up to hate me...and that he was crazy for ever loving me and I was the lucky one and the best gift I ever gave him was leaving him bc hes so much of a better person without me....

I dont know why I just put all this out there- or if I sound pathetic- but I dont understand why he can still make me feel so awful about myself and get inside my brain the way he does. I have kids I have to be strong for and im deteriorating because I feel like I will never ever get away from him fully. He will always manage to find a way to hurt me. My kids already suffer...my daughter, 8, is starting to dislike being around him, but my son (5) he has manipulated and wrapped around his victim mindset. My son told me last time he saw him "Dad said when he gets his own house I can move in with him ok mom, because he lets me play video games and plays with me and buys me whatever I want and you don't do that stuff" Broke my heart honestly.

Sorry for the ridiculously long ramble. Comforting reading others stories. Saw a comment about their NP shooting a gun right next to them, mine did that twice. Once to his head- but it misfired. Still can hear both shots as I buried my head in my pillow and he stood next to me. Thanks for listening