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Thanks for your response. Yes my belief is that it won't help me. I practice alot of mindfulness so am aware of alot of my thoughts. My understanding is that the nervous system kicks into place and we are triggered even before the thoughts arise. At that point I don't feel my thoughts are going to help calm my nervous system especially it is not necessarily about evidence for or evidence against whats real and not. e.g one day a woman fell beside me in a cafe and made a loud bang. I was immediately triggered and sent into an emotional flashback as I saw my mother falling down drunk many times. the woman was helped back up and was fine and not harmed in any way. I knew she was okay. Was able to tell myself she was okay. could 'see' she was okay but no amount of talking to myself here would help me calm my nervous system down at this point.

My therapist recently suggested CBT for helping when I am being triggered. She thinks noticing my thoughts will help to reduce my reactivity and response. I don't beleive this will help me and am very annoyed by this. I don't get caught up in negative thoughts . I spend far too much time in my had and I have too many thoughts about what may or may not be happenning. I have tried to talk it through with her but it's like she has dug her heels in and believes this is the key. I have gone the other direction and feel more resistance than ever as I don't feel it is the solution she wants it to be . I am wondering if it is all just resistance on my part and I need to do this. Anyone had exerpeince with the thought record and found it helpful or unhelpful?

Thanks for all your responses. I should add that my therapist is very warm, understanding and empathtic and in the 1 hour session we have a very strong connection. I just struggle to keep this connection, hold onto her in my mind believe that she holds onto me. We talk about this  regularly and she talks about the imaginary string that binds us together and that the therapy relationship doesn't just end once the session ends and how of course she thinks of clients from time to time outside session etc. Although I have a 'knowing' that most of this is likely true I just cannot seem to 'feel' that or integrate it that. Time and time again I try to explain that although logically I understand what she says is true it doesn't change the inner feeling that lies inside me. I just don't think she quite 'gets' it as although she validates how hard it is to just trust she has at times also alluded it to being a form of resistance or that perhaps I need to reframe my thoughts with some CBT exercises (although she is not a fan of CBT in general). This actually really annoyed me. I said it's not my thoughts that need reframing.... I KNOW that she is there somewhere, of course she is. I KNOW I don't cease to exist in her mind yet I don't FEEl these things.

I just wonder if there is some truth to what she says. Is it just resistance on my part? Do I maybe need to look at reframing my thoughts? Or is it simply time to change therapists... My real belief is that I just need a small connection point between sessions. It doesn't need to be another session or even a 15 minute talk just something.... I am trying to get better at advocating for myself and struggling to to do so.

I have been seeing my therapist now for a few years. I am very attached to her but well aware of boundaries and the client -therapist relationship. I have found seeing her only once a week very difficult and often find the longing between sessions extremely tough. There was a period of time where I saw her twice a week and it really helped. I didn't feel the frustration and longings that I seem to feel now.  I cannot afford to go see her twice a week so that is not an option now. I have spoken to her about how difficult I find it but all she does is listen and validate how hard it is but nothing changes. She seems to think its part of the process and I think she thinks leaving me in this frustrated state is part of the therapy. I am just so so tired of feeling the frustration and longing between sessions and I don't think I can do it anymore. The idea of leaving however is also very painful. I tell her it is like a reenactment of my mother who used to sometimes disappear for periods of time. I.e she was there for a few days and then might disappear for a week or so quite regularly and how 1 hours of therapy a week feels like that. She allows me to send her journal entries but does not respond.  She will also never tell me how she feels which constantly keeps me in a state of hypervigilence. I know therapy is about me and the focus is on me but from time to time I might ask her how something I said made her feel and she will not respond. I just feel I can't relax when someone is withholding.

Has anyone else experienced this? Were you able to come to any resolutions with your therapist?

I read somewhere before that clients with CPTSD need more explicit care from their Ts.

I hope she doesn't censor everything she says based on this though (although I'm sure a lot of the time she already does).

HHHmm... I wonder does this mean I am in fact actually paranoid? 

Well done Malt for dealing with this situation so well!  I do wonder though if it's in the therapist's manual to apologise for causing some confusion in their clients by their choice of words.  Clearly you are not paranoid in the very reasonable way you handled this, and hopefully she'll see this.  Personally I would hate for a therapist to hold such an inaccurate description of myself (this has happened to me)

I do hope that she understands about  the effects of trauma.  Unless you've experienced it, 'get it' it can be hard to understand.  Is there a requirement for therapists to have experience adverse situations, or to have undergone therapy themselves?  Not as far as I know.  It's a choice of career only.  Even if they advertise as such.

Wishing you all the best

Thanks. She does have lots of experience with trauma so she is well versed on hypervigilance and effects of childhood trauma etc. She didn't really apologise for what she said per se. I didn't really expect her to. She did try to explain her choice of words which was good enough for me. It seems her interpretation of paranoid and hypervigilance differ slightly than those we have posted above (or mine now). She did have a reasonably good explanation of what she felt paranoid meant and how she thought it differed from hypervigilance yet also wasn't the same as paranoia (although did mention it was possibly still on the same scale). I still don't necessarily fully agree with her definition or understanding of it but I did see the angle she was coming from with it but that's okay it is not really black and white.

It does make perfect sense Malt, I wondered if she was just being a bit casual, perhaps not realizing that as a T her words carry more import than they would if it were with a friend or acquaintance. I'm betting she she will choose her words more carefully now and that's not a bad thing. 

Anyway, bravo to you for seeing her as a human being who makes mistakes, and for listening to your gut and checking things out with her and here.      

Thanks. I totally understand if it was just a casual comment like lots of us say from time to time. I guess that is where the confusion was. Was she saying it as a therapist or as an off the cuff remark from one person to another? Had I known for sure it was off the cuff it possibly wouldn't have bothered me as much. A therapist saying it does carry far more weight. In the moment it was actually hard to tell and it was said more than once.  Anyway, despite it bothering me and causing me to post here I've actually found it somewhat useful to explore and talk about. I hope she doesn't censor everything she says based on this though (although I'm sure a lot of the time she already does).  I find it more important to have an authentic T who challenges me and may say something that upsets or bothers me from time to time than one who just nods and agrees and hides their thoughts. Obviously, I know a T can't reveal all her thoughts but some are helpful

Thanks for all your responses and thoughts. I've thought about it a lot and also done a lot of reading about it and I really don't think I am paranoid. Hypervigilant yes for sure without a doubt. I did have a conversation with my T and outlined my thoughts on it and how it really bothered. When the comment on 'being paranoid' was said it was not being used as a diagnosis but more as a response to something I said. Almost like a friend or someone you know might saying 'you're being paranoid' but not actually meaning anything about mental illness if that makes sense. I don't think she entirely agreed with me on the difference between paranoid and hypervigilance but that's okay she can think whatever she thinks as I know what I know. I  feel she heard what I had to say which was helpful and I was able to get my thoughts across in a somewhat more articulate manner which I feel was actually progress of some sort for me.

Rant alert. I have CPTSD and experience anxiety and hypervigilance amongst some other things. I have difficulty trusting others and often look for hidden meaning behind things people say. I don't do this because I think people are out to get me or harm me in any way it's more based on the fact that I think people don't always say what they mean. I know this all comes from my childhood and attachment issues and broken trust etc. Although I question everything I think I have good self-awareness to make good judgments on what is really happening at any giving time and I don't generally think things are because of me.  E.g If I am out with a friend for coffee and they seem 'off' I may wonder what is up with them. The thought that I might have done something to annoy them may cross my mind but then I will weigh up whether that thought it realistic or not (such as Is there any reason for them to be annoyed etc, when did we last even speak). I will then think of other reasons that they may be 'off' e.g they might be tired or something has happened in their personal life to affect them. If I know them well enough I might say 'ARe you okay? You seem 'off' or tired? They might respond 'No, I'm fine' or 'I'm just a bit tired' and then more often than not I will make the judgment that  there might be something going on but it is likely nothing to do with me and move on. 99% of the time I am not the cause of peoples moods. Yes, sometimes I can be but more often than not I am not. This is an example scenario that happens a lot and usually takes place within minutes if not seconds. It is clear that I am hypervigilant and an over-thinker. The reason I am sharing this is that we have discussed by hypervigilance in therapy. Recently I made a flippant comment about not wanting to seem paranoid about something and my therapist responded by saying 'But you are a little paranoid'. She was talking in general terms and not an about a specific event and relayed it back to my childhood. I was extremely bothered by the statement but didn't address it as I wanted time to think of my response. Since the session, I have become more annoyed about it as I think it is completely wrong. Yes, I am hypervigilant and overthink things and have difficulty trusting people but I don't think these are the same thing and I don't see myself as 'paranoid'.  I am not really sure what I am asking here as I know no one can tell me if I am paranoid or not as you don't know me but just looking for others thoughts. How do you see the difference between paranoid and hypervigilant? Can you be paranoid but not experience paranoia? I do plan to talk more about it

Yes, this is what I am wondering. Is it time to change therapist or am I just resisting/avoiding the inevitable pain? It took me such a long time to even remotely start to trust this one. Even financially the thought of having to spend so much time learning to trust another T makes me winch. I mean I think if I left this one I'd almost just stop altogether. I am pretty functioning in day to day life although therapy has helped me make positive changes in my life and continues to help me address childhood issues and life's stresses It is not an absolute essential to my coping or living!. Sure it is an investment in myself and my family but I guess essentially I am left wondering if the pain I seem to be constantly in is worth it? I also see the same issues of attachment etc arise if I moved therapist. I have intense feelings of ET for her which means leaving her would in itself be extremely painful itself without some lengthy wind-down IMO.

Is anyone else here doing psychoanalytic psychotherapy? I have been with my therapist now for 4 years. I have definitely benefited in many ways and seen improvements in my day to day life. Those 4 years, however, have been for the most part extremely painful. The pain is mostly in relation to the therapy relationship etc. I recently have had a rupture with my T very similar to one we had last year whereby she forgot something very important to me (Again). It has just highlighted that she does not care about me in the way I want her to. I do think she cares.  Anyway, I am beginning to feel like I have had enough and can no longer take the constant cycle of pain. When do you know enough is enough ? I get that therapy is painful but it just feels like there is lots of pain and anguish and it seems never-ending. I am essentially wondering if a different style of therapy would be better for C-PTSD or if I am just wanting to run away as I am in a particular bad space with it at the moment? I am extremely attached to my T and have intense ET so leaving would be extremely heartbreaking and painful for me in itself.

Sorry for the delay and thank you for your responses. Yes I am cautious but at the same time, I feel 'ready' to uncover any potential repressed memories. It is very frustrating as although I have been in therapy now for 4 years nothing 'new' has come up even though my memory is terrible.

The anger scenario is interesting. I do have issues showing my anger to certain people so worth exploring more maybe.

Thank you for your response. Yes, I am in therapy and have been exploring although I see that I could perhaps revisit it. But with no actual memory of anything, it is difficult to explore. I know there is no answer and no answer anyone here can give me that will really help me. I guess I am more trying to understand my bodies reaction to the events and whether or not that is potentially an indication of something else and if it or something similar has happened anyone else here.

Hi all,
For a bit of background, I had a pretty unstable childhood with lots of unreliable parenting and been told I have experienced developmental trauma and neglect. My memory is pretty poor and I have a lot of difficulties remembering chunks of my childhood except for what feels like a lot of the same stories. Anyway, I have from time to time wondered if I ever experienced sexual abuse of some type. There are some very minor signs that could indicate I was but they also aren't very strong and could be linked with lots of other things. I have absolutely no implicit memory of anything of that nature happening me at any stage.  In fact, although I have wondered I have always adamantly concluded that I wasn't.  At the same time, I wouldn't be shocked if I discovered I had been as I would have experienced many years of being in situations where something like that could have easily happened and gone unnoticed by my surrounding adults. Anyway, I am very aware of the scenario whereby if you search hard enough for clues of something you will find something so I have been very careful to try and not do that and have tried to put any thoughts of it be possible to rest which I thought I had been a success doing until recently. 

TW

Last month I  had to have an ultrasound done internally. It was not my first one, I have had many pap smears and also have two kids so I am well rehearsed with having to get that body part checked. Although never a comfortable experience and often very awkward it is not one that I have found as horrendous as some friends have described. That was until my most recent experience.  I knew what the procedure entailed as I had previously done it so knew what the technician was going to do. From the very start, however, I felt her to be cold, a matter of fact,  abrupt and had very little communication. My previous technician had also been somewhat cold and abrupt but this one was worse especially in terms of communication. During the process, I felt relatively okay although was aware that I was anxious as I was worrying and she was quite rough and at times it was a little sore. I was very unnerved by her lack of communication particularly at both the start and end of the process but overall during it I thought I was okay albeit a little uncomfortable.  After I left the clinic, however, I started to immediately feel terrible. It's hard to put it into words but I felt nauseous, weak and had difficulty taking big steps. It was like I could not make my legs walk in front of each other as I wanted to just keep them together and required every ounce of strength I had to do so.  At certain points, I felt so bad I had to stop walking. I also realised after about 15 minutes I had been clenching my fists and found it difficult to unclench them. It is hard to explain but my body was feeling unlike anything it had ever felt before in a way I can't really describe. All I know is that it was horrendous and I seemed to have no control over it.

Anyway, I am now very confused by what happened. I know they say your body can store memories. Could it be something I have experienced before or was it just simply a case of a terrible technician lacking in communication and not asking my consent making me feel awful?

Does anyone else have really bad memory problems? I have huge problems remembering parts of my childhood even up as far as my teenage years and mid 20's. My mother was an alcoholic who would be dry for weeks on end and then go on week long binges. When she wasn't drinking she was amazing but when she was she was a horrible person which obviously left its mark. Anyway, when I recall my childhood it feels like I only have a 'handful' of the same memories. For example, my grandmother was alive until I was 13 and I barely have any memories of my time with her despite knowing she was a big part of all our lives. Anyway, my therapist says the memories are there and have just been suppressed due to my brain suppressing the negative ones to protect me and it is just a matter of uncovering them. I am beginning to get fed up as I have been in therapy a few years now and there is no sign of them returning. I don't even know how to go about helping/ Could they just be gone forever? What types of therapy might help with this? I want to remember the good memories