Messages

I am so relating to this. What a number they have done on us

Hi Decimalrocket,
Your post really touched my heart.  I think that trauma and abuse make you grow up fast - we grew up dealing with real adult issues, not child issues, so it is to be expected that many of us probably are in some ways wise beyond our years. Our childhoods were stolen from us, and we deserve to honour that.

I don't recall ever feeling like a child, you know carefree.  I was always very introspective.  I guess this balances out being delayed in other aspects of emotional development, like by forever seeking parental love and reassurance from others.  At 17, I was not all that different from now.  Sure I made stupid mistakes sometimes, and I totally still do.  I have learned new things since then, and I still have a lot more to learn. At 17, though, I was still much wiser than many people will ever be - Look at our parents, for example, and all heir enablers; those people will never be capable of achieving the wisdom that you are capable of now. 

The fact that you are even aware of making mistakes in your personal growth is amazing - not because that is amazing for a teenager, but because it's amazing for a person. I guess that's the beauty of our experiences; we can be exceptionally wise and sensitive people. You deserve to be proud of those rare and beautiful qualities <3

My oldest friend is a friend from childhood (we met when we were four) and for many years she was my only friend - my family, even. without her I'm not sure i could have survived my childhood and I am eternally grateful to her for that . 

But those days have past and now, I don't get anything out of our friendship. When I see her, I feel uncomfortable, I just want it to be over. Interaction with people is really difficult and draining for me, and she in particular just drains me.  She doesn't do anything bad, she is just uncomfortable to be with. we don't have much to talk about, she doesn't know when the party is over and it's time to go home (I don't drive, so whenever i see her I am stuck waiting for her to decide it's time to drive me home), and then she always wants to see me more and more.  At Christmas this year I sent a gift to her son and she texted me to complain about it, which I found unbelievable.

Whenever she contacts me, it's always the same pattern. she texts or messages me "hiya", and I am like "hi" and she says "how are you" and I am like "fine (or whatever) how are you" and she says "fine (or not fine). We should get together" and so I make plans or stall in making plans but eventually just do because she keeps asking.  And the anxiety always weighs over me until it's over.

She contacted me a couple of months ago, same conversation as always happened, except that time I said, "I'm not good lately and I really don't want to get together right now. I will let you know when I feel up to it." (Of course that was not the end of that conversation because she then asked what was wrong, but I managed to keep it brief.)  At Easter, I made the mistake of liking one of her posts on facebook, and so it begins again. She sent me a text within hours "Happy Easter". I didn't respond, since I had asserted my boundaries with her (which is VERY hard for me btw). I felt violated and intruded upon, like she is just waiting for signs of life to jump on me, and I made note never to ever again like one of her posts.  The other day, I updated my cover photo - just a pic of my son and my dog cuddling.  So I got another text from her within a few hours "Hi" (once again jumping all over any sign of life). 

I feel so intruded upon. Facebook is for passive socializing. I should be able to mindlessly like things and post things without people intruding on me, and expecting things from me just because I am alive and somewhat interactive. I have high avoidance issues, and severe social phobia (I do things like hide in my house because I am afraid of interacting with others, I am afraid of the doorbell and I rarely answer my phone).  The last thing I need is to feel like what safe space I have is being intruded upon.  When I hear from her I feel trapped and like I can't escape. it makes me want to move and change my phone number and my name.

Hi Tomricc. I hear what you're saying about searching for the right diagnosis, never quite feeling like the one you have is quite right. FOr me the c-ptsd diagnosis is right, and that gives me a great sense of peace. I also wondered about autism in the past.  I hope you can find what you are looking for

Thank you @boatsailrose. I have been having a rough week so don't have a lot to say but wanted to let you know that I appreciate you taking th e time to share with  me and wish me well <3

Hi Phoebes! I have dealt with this in the work context. Different setting, but the hurt is still very real.  Yes, I do think we get targeted for a reason. I think that all the things that are beautiful about us are very threatening to people like narcissists.  They also need targets and we are pre-packaged to be that person for them because of our histories.  In my experience, all I can offer in terms of advice is to be compassionate to your other friends.  When you are out of the picture, the same thing will happen to others - narcissists always need a target - you can be there for your friends when it is their turn.  I have had that past victim be there for me and it means the world.
Hang in there!

Hi Dee,
It makes me so angry that people like abusive family members would try to take our power away from us, and seem to see themselves as somehow superior even though this is clearly not the case.  How dare they? 
I hope that we can all find the strength to let them know that they are the ones not worthy of contact from us.  We deserve better
*Hugs!*

I feel it too. A deep unfulfillable need to be loved and to love. It's like an ache thqt is always there.

ive learnt that cptsd is an injury or reframe 'injuries' and I've made trauma informed choices in my life as a result.

@Boatsailrose I have been thinking a lot about this comment.  It's a new idea to me, and I had not realized, but it is so true in my own life.  Thank you for sharing that.

Thank you for saying hello @Sceal and @Letterness

@Letterness, I can totally relate to the issue of letting friendships lapse.  I find that people tend not to know how to be there for me without taking from me in ways that I can't give. like if I tell them i am under the weather, then they try to make plans with meinstead of just leaving me alone which is what I really need. then I need to deal with the additional burden of letting them down gently, or doing things I don't want to do so as not to hurt their feelings - neither of these options feels good to me.  I guess it's hard to honour my own needs when dealing with others.  So I tend to isolate.

Hi Mia, For me I have not progressed much, except that the awareness has been the progress. I am starting to recognize some of my behaviours as patterns that are normal for narcissistic abuse victims.  I am opening myself up to thinking about how I might like things to change. I am testing the waters a bit with having my own perspectives about things, and telling people when I do, and not getting caught up in negotiating own feelings with others (sometimes I find it is best for me not to reveal too much about what I think so that people don't get the mistaken impression that each point is up for debate). 

I so long for big changes, but there haven't been many. I try to relish in the small accomplishments. Even replaying situations in my mind where I have failed to assert myself successfully and revisiting how I could do it differently in the future.  And some days I reward myself by letting myself fail, even though it doesn't move me in the direction I want, but at least trying not to let myself get caught in the shame spiral of not always being able to assert myself.

I think there is a different, calmer person inside of me and I hope to meet her soon.

Hi Goblinchild!  I am totally a narcissism magnet. My therapist once commented to me that narcissists could see me from a mile away.  They are predators who feed off of others, first on our empathy and then on our ability to turn us against ourselves.  THey prey upon the very things that make us beautiful and special.  And we are so kind-heated that we allow it because we don't want them to hurt like we do.  Not sure if this is what you are referring to, but this is the connection I have experienced.

Cant someone adopt me? Train me? So now my inner critic says, you are needy.

I hear you, @Shankara!

Hi Shankara,
I can totally relate to what you said about wanting to leave humanity behind and hide in a forest.  My go-to-escape fantasy is a cabin in the woods. I have such a great picture of it in my mind....

I don't have any answers to your questions, but wanted to say that I hear you.

I so lack assertiveness that I have let other people decide for me who I am, what I like, how I feel.  Even with people who are not dangerous, I have allowed them to make all these decisions for me, and now that I;m seeing it, I find there is a lot of resistance when I try to tell them, "well actually, I don't like hockey... I don't want to go to bed right now, (etc)". I have a tremendous amount of shame for having my own feelings.  I also feel shame about not having had my own feelings all this time, so misrepresenting myself.  I notice now how much others expect of me, just in the little things, and it chips away at me bit by bit.  I am practising saying little things, not always in the moment, but eventually, to let people know my perspectives.  It's uncomfortable, but I am trying, and hoping it will get easier.

<3

Hi mdp!  I'm new here too.  Your comment about not wanting to overwhelm people who are willing to listen to you totally resonates with me (actually, everything I have read in this forum so far has resonated withe me, so that's kinda cool). I wanted to let you know that I am hear specifically because I WANT to hear about the experiences of other people like you and me, because they are so validating to me. I totally feel like when I talk about my trauma, the people in my life just shut me down (Not sure if this is your experience this as well), and that sucks for my self esteem - the LAST thing i need is more messages that nobody cares, since nobody cared for such a long time.  Anyway, i'm trying to encourage you to feel good about opening up.  If I can extrapolate based on my own tendencies, I expect that we are all highly empathetic people.  Hearing about your pain allows me to feel tremendous compassion for you, which opens the door to being able to feel compassion for myself <3