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That was excellent, thanks!

(TW: PA)

My own M used to do some of the stuff he acted out, like any time my sibling or I would try to talk with her about how we were harmed by her letting our F beat us (repeatedly over the course of years), she'd instantly remind us of the (only) time he'd hit her, or his infidelities, or his being a deadbeat on the child support... followed by much "woe-is-me" sighing. She'd literally not even acknowledge what we'd said. She tried so hard to get away from admitting that she grievously failed to protect us

I also liked the way he pointed out at the end that gaslighting and invalidation can be traumatizing in their own right

Hi Windflower,

I'm not sure if you want advice (I don't really have any, unfortunately), but I wanted to let you know that I can understand why you're experiencing such turmoil. I do believe that we sometimes repress memories to where they're not consciously accessible and yet we'll be triggered by certain things associated with the buried traumatic memory, and that could be why you're experiencing the somatic sensations you've described. In my case, I have very little recall of events before about 6 years old, and I sometimes wonder what all that monster (my F) might have done to me that I don't consciously remember from those very early years. In later years, I have clear recollections of PA, EA, &, CSA (plus my older sibling has talked about abuse they were already receiving by the time I was born), so why should I doubt that he also did things to me before age 6 that I don't currently recall? Furthermore, I've noticed that I have some triggers whose sources I can't explain right now, which also makes me think some additional stuff happened that I don't currently consciously recall. And let's not forget that very traumatizing events can trigger dissociative amnesia, which would be the basis for repressed memories

I know that there's been debate over the years over the validity (including in court cases) of recovered memories. Not sure where the debate stands these days. Personally, back when I might have taken my F (or, after he died, his estate) to court, I ended up deciding not to pursue because I knew how hopeless it would be for me to try to prove stuff that I clearly recall actually happened (let alone attempt to prove any events resulting in repressed memories actually happened). I couldn't begin to imagine the invalidation I'd have to fight, and invalidation is extremely triggering to me. So I've never even seriously considered trying to get justice through the legal system. I'll always feel sick that he never got held accountable (especially given the toll that decades of CPTSD has taken on my life), but I defaulted to the lesser of 2 evils: not pursuing legal action, based on my joint calculations of emotional toll and likelihood of a healing outcome. Then again, my last chance for attempting to get "justice" in court would have been a couple decades ago. There's now more awareness of the widespread occurrence of CSA and its aftermath, than ever... so the situation now probably isn't as dire as when I might've tried it.

Not sure how helpful that was (or even if it's what you were looking for). Like I said, I don't have any advice. I can understand how you feel, though. I hope you can figure out how to proceed in a way that best contributes to your healing and general well-being

You're dealing with a lot right now, notalone. I understand how hard it is to work FT while CPTSD is raging.  As I mentioned in other threads, I ended up having to leave the workforce "prematurely" because of it, so it makes total sense to me that the prospect of having to increase your hours would be daunting, to say the least., My own symptoms got a lot worse in middle age (in my case, I think menopause was a factor). I became a mere shadow of my former self, as the saying goes—I still haven't recovered my prior level of functionality

I'm not sure whether you're in the US, but if you are, you might want to look into getting insurance through the Affordable Care Act. If your family's income is drastically reduced by your H's retirement, you may qualify for a large subsidy. I know that when I was leaving my own job, COBRA costs (which I think you may be referring to) were unbelievably high, but what I could qualify for via the ACA was surprisingly cheap

saylor, in my response to the survey, I have added a more complete response, particularly a less emotional one to the second question. I have underlined the first words so that you can find them more easily

Thanks for sharing. I'm more than happy to forgive when it's warranted, and it can feel good to do so, but I don't see a way to forgive someone who exhibits zero remorse and/or continues to do damage. In that case, I see no path forward. I can't comprehend the concept of forgiving someone who acknowledges no wrongdoing

Would you provide us with a link to what you write/post please Saylor? Tks.

Hi Kizzie,
I'd initially thought I could offer that, but upon thinking about it some more, I realized I don't really want to create a connection between this thread (or even site/my profile here) and the content elsewhere. I'm ok with PMing it to ppl on here who request, though. That approach makes me feel more comfortable, although it's a bit clunkier.

Please note that I'm not sure it's even going to happen. Part of my goal in requesting feedback was because, assuming I do this, I want to get a feel for what extent I may be speaking on behalf of other survivors (vs. just speaking about my own unique case). I thought it important to gauge the extent to which I can say, "I have communicated with other survivors on this topic, and know that my experience is far from unique"—that kind of thing. I basically wanted to know how much my own experience might be common with others'.

The other reason it might not end up happening is because there's another person involved and I'm not sure yet whether they'll want to do this.

I don't know when this might come to fruition... maybe weeks, maybe months from now... but if it does, then I'll have a link I can PM to requesters

Regardless of what happens, I think it's even a big deal that ppl shared on this thread. I have this silly(?) fantasy that some of these estranged parents, as they contemplate their own situations, may run into something like this while surfing online, and maybe, just maybe, this kind of information will be useful to them (and, by extension, their children). I know. It's a silly fantasy

Thanks, again, for your feedback everyone

Thanks so much, everyone, for your feedback. This should be very helpful

What you have described sounds a lot to me like misophonia. I have it, and there are certain trigger sounds that send me into instant agitation and (unexpressed) rage. In my case, baby crying is annoying, but not an actual misophonic trigger—but I have other ones that do qualify. Basically, the second I start to hear the sound, something inside me completely and utterly wigs out. Usually, I try to get away ASAP, but that's not always possible, given circumstances. When I can't get away, I'm basically shot and useless until the sound stops. I won't be able to have a conversation or even think. It's a terrible experience. I've actually started avoiding certain activities that may end up exposing me to my triggers—it's that bad. There's a documentary about it called Quiet, Please. It does a good job of explaining what life is like living with this. It has really wrecked some ppl's lives.

Not trying to diagnose you, but it's something that may be worth looking into

This is aimed at people who currently have a strained (or no) relationship with their parent(s) as a result of having been abused/neglected by them. As I'm still going through my own processing of my dysfunctional relationship with my father, I'm wondering about what others have experienced and whether there's a lot of commonality, or whether it's more case-by-case. Also, I'm trying to collate feedback that I may, in summary form (and anonymously—no reference to monikers or even this site), eventually try to make available on social media. The target audience for that content would be parents of estranged adult children who (parents) feel confused about the rift and are genuinely looking for clarity and solutions. If they're not able to communicate with their own child, at least they may benefit from hearing the main themes that emerge from this compilation. I feel like there's not enough information out there coming from the child's POV in this case of family estrangement. Maybe this can help someone, one day

If you're willing to share (no pressure, needless to say!), please try to be succinct, and feel free to skip any of the questions for any reason. Also, if the parent(s) in question is no longer alive, please discuss within the context of while they were still living. Finally, if you're interested in participating, but don't wish to post here, feel free to PM me your response

-Have you chosen to go low- or no- contact (i.e., LC or NC)?

-What is the thing about your parent's past and/or present behavior towards you that most bothers you and/or best explains your reason for LC/NC?

-Do you think your parent understands what the problem is? Have you articulated it to them, and how? How have they responded? If you haven't communicated your reasons, what stopped you?

-Is there something you want from your parent that you think could help you heal? If so, what is it, and how much would it help?

-If you're LC/NC, do you think there's anything your parent could do to make you agree to more contact, and what is it?

-Is there anything about your dealings to date with your parent that you regret? Anything you'd do differently if you could? How?

Thanks to anyone willing to respond

When I was still working, it was very common for me to awaken (in the middle of the night) in a panic, with my brain obsessing over some current worry or other. It was more of a worry thing than a fear or terror thing, for me. I'm sure cortisol was involved. I used to call the phenomenon The Witching Hour. Even awakening later in the morning was unpleasant but not quite as worry-filled as the regular wee-hours ones that I'd experience

Now that I'm retired, it's nowhere near as bad. Release from work stress no doubt helped. I'm also taking supplements before bed that seem to be helping: valerian, melatonin, ashwagandha, L-theanine

Hopefully I'm not harming myself by popping all those capsules and tablets daily (I can't find much good info on whether it's bad to combine them, or to use them regularly). At this point, I guess I'm willing to take the risk. I got sick of the poor sleep and racing heart

I think there are a few ways CPTSD has helped me navigate my way through life, even though some of these same traits have also had a negative side to them

- I have lots of difficulty with trust, and am often wary—the plus side is that I've avoided a lot of dangers because I don't just blindly trust ppl and dive into bad situations

- I'm observant (good at reading ppl, etc.). and I carefully collect lots of data, so I generally make good decisions

- I'm great at anticipating problems and plan well to forestall them (it's the positive side of catastrophizing)

I'm so sorry, Lilypad 

I know how hard this is, but please try not to let his behavior cause you shame. There could be a million reasons for his aloofness that have nothing to do with you

I can totally understand your reasoning, and given the special circumstances that you explained in your own situation, I'd probably end up doing it if it wasn't tooooo cost-prohibitive

I also strongly dislike my surname, partly because of my F, and partly for a few other reasons.  Even when I wedded, though, I elected not to change it due to concerns about hassle, and also because I don't subscribe to the sentiment behind that tradition (much as I'd have loved to dump my birth affiliation). Also, in more recent times, from a professional standpoint, I've realized that it's important to me to maintain name continuity. So I still have that surname that I've always so disliked...

However, I stopped going by my first name way back in my 20s, and instead go by a diminutive of my middle name (I didn't do this legally, though). Supposedly my F had given me my first name, and he almost always yelled it at me because he was so often angry (it's a punchy-sounding name, which made things even worse). I developed a trigger of sorts and didn't want to keep using that awful name anymore. So, I guess that was my own way of informally/cheaply/low-hassle disowning part of my F's stank 

I didn't realize the cost of a legal name change could depend upon your reasons/circumstances, because I never looked into it. That's kinda lame, and pretty unfortunate, given your situation

I experience something similar. For example, my partner will sometimes tell me that I said something, even just days prior, that I have no recollection of saying (and sometimes, the thing I supposedly said doesn't even feel to me like something I'd say). I also occasionally discover I've robotically gone through the motions of doing things that I don't later recall the experience of, but not to the extent of completely having blanked it out if I'm reminded of it—it's more like I feel like I wasn't entirely "there" while it happened (if that makes sense). In my case, I suspect I experience, at minimum, depersonalization/derealization. I'm definitely somewhere on the pathological dissociation spectrum, anyway

I'm not trying to diagnose you, nor am I qualified to do so, but what you describe sounds a little like Dissociative Identity Disorder to me. DID is not uncommon for people who've experienced trauma

Saylor; You have no idea how much your response mean to me...:

Aw, thank you. I'm glad to be of help!
Good luck!