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   at least that experience was better than our last round of somatic experiences ... literally a PITA... not pleasant... or the sore mouth/jaw... but they do subside eventually, and we can carry on.

Lots of self-talk and care



Rowan

Hi all,

We're still surviving yay

It's been an eventful few weeks, our T is running tests, and who knows where it will end up, but at least we will have a start to be able to work with.

Now, the past is buried - very few memories and recollections, but sometimes, little flashes will peek through. But, today, we are struggling with feeling like we have been strangled. It's very disconcerting and uncomfortable, although I am able to remind us that it is in the past, and not right now.

And then we thought that this would be a great idea for a thread, so that newbies know that they're not alone, and we can ground ourselves in the present.

Rowan

We sit and silently weep quietly, and it really is a martini flashback.

Anytime, any place, anywhere.

Rowan

Triggers
Antiseptic
High frequency sounds
Being late
When FOO call me
When FOO don't call me (Stockholm)
Being ignored
Feeling ignored/disregarded/unheard
Seeing emotional abuse occurring
Anything (literally) to do with medical/dental professions or concerns that they may need to be involved
Feeling judged/criticised/blamed
Feeling that I should have done something and self criticising
Seeing someone else being judged/criticised
'Death talk' - partly because of the professions involved, partly because of unresolved grief by littles.
Dysphoria.
Public showers/bathrooms.

My, what a list...



Rowan

 
EMDR is amazing when it is used in appropriate circumstances - however it isn't a panacea. For it to be effective you have to be able to remember all of the traumas - and for many of us that simply isn't possible.

So what to do - your body is telling you that you are stressed and that you are uncomfortable at work at specific times - time to get a journal on! That way you'll be able to look after the little that's unhappy, and help feel better after work.

Also have a look at Havening. It's another form of emotional security tapping, that takes a few moments and is discrete.

All said and done the biggest piece of self care you can do - let your company know that you're being treated for cPTSD, so that they can step up too.

You're not alone, and those littles need a big hug for being so brave that they have felt the need to come forward and let you know that they are upset.

(Hugs)

Rowan

Saw the doctor this morning about my med change - and talked about these sensations.

He agreed with the consensus here, that it is likely a body memory.  not really sure what to do with the confirmation - it's validating in a twisted way, and may explain some of the darkness.

Being gentle with myself, thanks for your support...


Rowan

Hi hon,
Thank you for your kind offer to sit by the fire, and talk about times - I really appreciate it.

The days when I am aware of the gaps are bad days - everything is stark, and accentuated, and the story. Omg, the story is missing. And that is what I notice. The rest reside in fragments scattered. Some days they bubble up through the black, soon to disappear again. Such is my internal world.

Today was T day - once again, T shocked, T didn't realise that her haircut triggered me (looks like my late MIL now, and that's not a good thing), and we had a meds review - which on reflection and a little research built my confidence in her (she really knows her $h1*), and May help too - win/win. However anxiety was set to stun, and words, well, words. You know. Slow. Words, came to mind.

I am convinced that something happened on the csa spectrum now, judging how badly triggered I have been (days now, and showing no signs of stopping), and as a child there were plenty of unsupervised times in the company of 'adults' where literally anything could have happened.

So 

Roman

Oh hon. Word salad is awful - I was in the same boat today. I couldn't say Parking Space.. 

For me, I've been fairly triggered for the last day or so, ruminating on the things that triggered me - and as usual the nausea was the only sign I had of anxiety - the word salad was new for me. So frustrating, not to be able to just communicate.

I'm taking it as a note that something is not right - is that the reason? I don't know, but I'm going to take things gently over the next few days.



Rowan

AndyMan,

Thanks  are always accepted. Usually they are my go-to when I'm at my lowest, and through the joys of disinhibited social engagement disorder, I have in the past been known to demand them from strangers. 

As horrible as i am still feeling from this, it would explain some of my early years precocious behaviour.

So, so many gaps.

Rowan

Hi all,

A somewhat tricky question, and I have to place the obligatory trigger warnings on the post....  and I've moved it from the emotional flashbacks page, as I may get feedback here.












And a big space, so that you'll only read it on purpose









I read an article that talked about SA of a young person by their baby-sitter. It was written from a parents perspective. It triggered feelings of dread, and nausea. My DP believes that it is empathy and understanding of the child's position - however, as you may gather, I'm not sure.

What concerns me more is that is this my mind attempting to fill in the gaps, or is this a possible past echo?

As this is in the ' blank' zone, I'll never be certain and that's bugging me today, as unbeknownst to my DP, there was a drunken incident many years later that I can remember where I expressed a belief that I had been a victim of CSA and it was invalidated rapidly, and deemed attention seeking by my FOO.

The self doubt and self invalidation that I am feeling right now, leads me to suspect that there may be something in it, but I am struggling to reconcile that with the fact I will never know for certain. Was the feeling during my reading the article an emotional flashback? I don't know, I do know for certain that I've been badly triggered.

This was unexpected and caught me off guard.

Rowan

Hi Phoebes..



It is your story, your truth, your authenticity. Invalidation of that truth is invalidating of you as a person, brings self shame and self isolation - not good enough, not correct, no opinion, my list goes on.

When I went to university (their plan for me, not mine), they demanded calls each day. Every day. They would demand I returned home regularly (every week, or every other week), disrupting any opportunity to spend time with friends. I went NC. I went camping (mid-winter, with a minimal pack). They called the police. They called the chaplaincies. They called the few of my friends that they had numbers for. They called the university. There were notes (multiples) pinned to the door of my room, demanding I call my FOO from other students in the halls that I was living in. They became the reflected anger from my FOO. They were the rage. It isolated me further. Prospective partners that were approved were stationed at home for my returns, prospective partners that I took home, soon after strangely disappeared from my life. I could not account for it, because I didn't understand that it was abuse, along with the financial and emotional manipulation at the time.
I was wary.
I warn new friends to treat my FOO with caution, and then leave them too it, in the eventuality that they meet.



We do understand.



Your concerns are valid, in the same way that your life and perspective is valid, and we are here for you.

Rowan

 

You need one of these.



Now, a few apologies if this makes you feel  or even  but hopefully it will make sense. Sadly there are no ways to put ribbons and bows on what happened - you are in an abusive relationship. Your partner continues to abuse you, and when you exercise your boundaries or rights, they find a way to circumvent your defences (wine and relax), to be able to completely hammer home their opinion, until the world around them reflects their beliefs. This process is known as hoovering, the systematic sucking back in of victims into the abusive cycle.

Now the sensations that you've felt tie in to derealisation - those are not toes, and depersonalisation- they are not mine. So yes, they sound like dissociation to my untrained ear - especially that the effect took time to pass. For me - I am an alien (depersonalisation) as a long term sensation - an extreme but common form of depersonalisation. I also get visual distortion so boxes change size, regular objects are distorted (stretched or compressed) in one dimension, and it may be one object in a scene - derealisation.

The most important and positive thing to take from your experience is that it can come to an end. I would love to say that it won't happen again, but grounding exercises can help, as can mindfulness techniques, to bring you back to 'present', in your body and as a complete and whole you.

Now after all that  and maybe 



Rowan

Hi hon.

Depersonalisation is a form of dissociation where you are not a person/ part of society, or other sense of significant detachment from the rest of humanity.

De realisation is a form of dissociation where it feels fake/artificial, distorted, unbound (especially time).

Dysphoria is a form of dissociative experience where your self image doesn't reconcile to the physical reality of your body - it's sort of like derealisation, but can be very specific (for example, I have dysphoria regarding my genitals - my brain doesn't believe that they are there; and my voice sounds wrong). This is typically experienced when we do not recognise ourselves in a mirror.

For me, my dissociative experiences fall into all three. When an event happens, there is a pervasive feeling of being alien, perspective, size and time all fall apart , so simple things can take 20 minutes, and my 1 hour therapy sessions, disappear in a blink - underlying that is my dysphoria that is 24/7 - hence why I fall under the transgender umbrella... hopefully that makes sense.

Another view is (to borrow an expression from the autistic world) that whatever neurotypicals think they are, and what is, we think we are not, and it is not. Effectively self isolation and exclusion - we re-examine everything, and don't trust or take anything for granted. And we then have to relearn those skills....




Rowan- still not sure if that makes sense....

This, my darling, is the classic hoover.

Keep safe. Keep away and look after yourself. If they want to inform you of their actions, let them do so, in writing, so that one day, when you are able, you can digest it at your pace.

They may be in a position where they have tried to deny, and failed. Have been angry and failed, and now looking for an opportunity to reverse who is the victim in their mind. DARVO.

For a person who has been so regardless of your boundaries to start to think that maybe you may like to ask questions of the perpetrator, allows them to tell their story, and may be wounding for you, and closure for them...

Please be wary, and look after yourself




Rowan

Hi all.

The title has a CW and TW, I'm going to leave a big space as usual, before I jump into my question....


















End of big space.

So dreams. I've not 'dreamt' in decades, and I'm having a small flurry of them at the moment.

First was as an astronaut, in space, in a broken capsule where the switches didn't work, I knew I couldn't leave, and sat calmly watching the earth through the window, unable to 'do' anything. Feelings of very trapped and contained. But calm. Self enforced calm, because not being calm would not achieve anything more. Oddly, not sad or frustrated, just detached.

Second dream this week (yeah, I know..) is why there is a CW and TW on the post - stuck in an observation room, overlooking lines of people, happy, content and chattery amongst themselves walking through a 'scanner' that left a bump on their faces. These bumps then developed rapidly into penis's. Yup. On their faces. They weren't unhappy after, but, here is the disturbing part. During their development, they were regularly inspected and commented on. I was informed that 'they like to check progress regularly'. In detail. And that's as much as I remember of that dream. What was really disconcerting was this had associated smells, and I do find that smell revolting. In this dream I felt like Kay - wholly female.

Third dream this week. Now this is odd again, I've had auditory dreams before (no visuals, just sounds), where I can 'hear' conversations, discussions, and/or music - generally enough to wake me up, but in those 'dreams' I'm never startled. Last night, it was the characteristic sound of a wheeled something  across a tiled floor.
It woke me in panic, every time.
It sounded like a hard wheeled suitcase (but it didn't feel contemporaneous, it felt old. Very old, predating the wheeled suitcase..). This was recurring - every time I fell back to sleep it would start again, so today I'm very tired, and anxious.

No changes in meds; alcohol, yes, but not a significant amount (a glass or so of wine in the evening); and no change in overall routine. So no overt major triggers.

The first is obviously a mental representation of how I feel - detached observer, holding it together as not doing so would achieve nothing and result in anihilation. Literally trapped in a box. Watching life from afar.

The second dream - dream maybe (it is suitably random). However I am unsure. It felt a little too real. A little too visceral. I felt too detached as an observer, and the females that went into the scanner finished as males. It was horrific to 'watch' and the understanding that was going to happen, is why I'm wondering if the 'inspection' is a sanitised memory fragment of CSA.

The third dream is obviously a trigger, from what, I have no idea.

Let's get through today.


Rowan