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I modified my original post and took out the graphic stuff. It says "self-harm", now. 

Hello Kizzie,

and thank you for your kind words. I was wondering afterwards if maybe my post was too graphic. I would not want to trigger anyone, so I could change that to "inflicted self-harm". I am not quite sure of what the rules say. Anyways, I do have a therapist, specializing in PTSD and C-PTSD. Now I am bombarding her with literature on Tourette Syndrome - fortunately she is interested in expanding her knowledge :-) I already told her, the day I released my anger I might do some damage to the furniture, and that I'd pay for everything I broke  While I like to put it lightly, I needed her to know that if I started throwing objects around the room, that would not consitute a threat towards her in any way.

I am starting to see this as my support group, and I am starting to find comfort in these small exchanges. In the beginning, part of me (ANP) was afraid my trauma wasn't "severe" enough, some people here have been through so much worse. I am still working on showing myself compassion, but this site helps a lot!

"That's really interesting for me too. My traumas are quite strange in that I hardly forgot anything. I remember tons of stuff that was done to me as a kid including CSA."

I relate to that strongly. I once wound up talking about embarassing or painful situations in class, with an old school friend. He came up with two or three, then I got going and he stopped me around the twentieth or so. He couldn't believe I remembered all that stuff, I couldn't believe he didn't 

Thanks for the responses above. I am not sure that sense of humor is always helpful, since it keeps me from releasing that ton of anger I am sitting on, but I appreciate your appreciation, LilyITV 

Hi Kizzie, I am very sorry to hear about your nephew. There appears to be very little confirmed knowledge about the causes for TS. I guess having TS just puts you on really thin ice, so to speak. Having tics, You will probably have a much harder time accepting (not to mention loving) yourself. (I have less-than-fond memories of self-harm to punish myself for not being able to comply with my parents demands and STOP ...) Bullying, too, becomes more likely.

Next to the tics, TS (for most, but not all patients), means having extremely high sensory processing. Like having an extremely thin skin. Everything just seems to get through without filtering (just like in Sensory Processing Sensitivity (formerly called Highly Sensitive Person, first discussed by psychologist Elaine Aron).

I gues both aspects make a person extra vulnerable. If there are enough harsh reactions by those around you, C-PTSD might simply become more likely.

Hello,

I have been diagnosed with C-PTSD, a secondary dissociation, and Tourette Syndrom (TS). I can safely say it all started with TS, around the age of 6. Having my body do stuff I absolutely didn't want it to do, and not being able to stop it, put me in a very vulnerable position, seeing myself as "different", to put it mildly. Fortunately my parents were quick to clarify things for me: I was a freak, an embarassment and a disturbance. Add time, but no sugar, and here I am, posting stuff on this website.

(Sorry about that last sentence. One of my more insightful psychiatric evaluations states: "The patient referes to himself with sarcasm." I am still working on that part - particularly when I have to look my TS in the face.)

Anyways, I was wondering if there is anyone else with experiences of TS and C-PTSD. 

Hello Boatsetsailrose,

It has been a long time since you posted this. If you feel better already, as I hope you do, there is no need to get back to me.

At some point during my therapy, I started writing a book on my life. I was going to call it "Self-hatred". With time. I learned to think of myself in terms of a secondary dissociation: there are different "parts" of me, which came into existence as responses to what I was experiencing in childhood and youth. I learned to ask myself which part it was, I was loathing so much. When I found the answer (my teenage self, which just could not find it in him to fight back), it got better quite soon. Later I was even able to "save" that part during an EMDR session, showing him compassion, instead of contempt and anger.

That is not to say, I am all better now. But my self-hatred / self-loathing are down to a much lower level.

As far as having to spend time between jobs goes: that's a large club! It certainly says nothing about anyone being useless: These are difficult times.

As I said, this my 5 cents' worth of input. If you are out of it, no need to get back into the topic.

Hi DV,

I found your post just when I was looking to start a thread on Tourette Syndrom (TS). TS and OCD often go hand in hand, as they do in my case. Also, by the way, for James Rhodes. He is a British pianist, who suffered horrible things in his childhood (don't want to trigger anyone, so I'll leave it vague) and developped massive C-PTSD, along with TS and OCD. He later wrote a best-selling book about it, called "Instrumental". Check it our on Amazon - it's harsh, but full of weird British humor, too, and for me it provided a sense of peer group support, when there wasn't any available elsewhere.

Anyways, I feel TS has a worse impact on my life than OCD, but I do know all about things having to be just right. Among other things, I talk to myself whenever I'm alone (or think I am), and I get stuck on stuff I'm saying and have to go over it any number of times, until it is "right". And then I collect CDs - you can probably imagine the amount of pushing back and forth, evening out lines, etc. which that necessitates.

A month ago I Felt my C-PTSD therapy was going fine. I could actually imagine an end to it - maybe not an entirely happy end, but one I would be able to live with. Then I finally got to see a TS-specialist. I had known for a couple of decades I had it. But somehow, having it "certified", and realizing all it means, threw me off balance. I guess, for me, it's the other way round: the TS is beneath the C-PTSD. I never needed help, acceptance and comfort the way I needed them when TS started. Well, the fact that I am on this forum tells you what I got from my parents instead.

I'll say this though: C-PTSD got me to the very (verrrry) brink of killing myself. TS will not do that, not anymore. By now I am willing to pick up that little piece of whatever from the floor, because seeing it lying there causes me anguish. And if anything looks at me cautiously, I let them know I am so sorry, but this is a neurological condition and I just can't help it. So far, this has been a thrilling experience, because people are quite relieved when they finally find someone it is safe to open up to about their own (little) tics.

I am not sure this is of any help to you. Maybe I am just waving your country's flag, telling you you're not alone.

Hello again, Whobuddy,

The book looks very promising and I added it to my Amazon shopping cart already :-) Thank you for that!

As for my name: I am afraid I "borrowed" it, from Kurt Vonnegut's novel "Slaughterhouse 5". Vonnegut was traumatized during WW2 and the novel appears to be an attempt at dealing with that trauma. After the introduction, the narrative starts with the words "Listen: Billy Pilgrim has come unstuck in time". It then goes on to describe how Billy is continously stressed out, because he never knows in advance which part of his life he will have to re-live next. While this is depicted as actual time travel, and is interwoven with a bizarrely funny Sci-Fi story, I read it as a depiction of dissociation. My mind does that to me: it just throws me right back into some previous moment or phase of my life without a word of warning (emotional flashbacks). So I "borrowed" Billy's name. Should I come to terms with things eventually, I'll give it back 

Thanks to everybody who commented - and commented kindly - on my two cents above. I am impressed already but how careful people are not to give offense. I wish it were like that on the "outside", too! Years back I used to review cds on British Amazon. Had about 400 reviews posted - then I started to read people's comments  Took me an afternoon to delete all reviews, since you have to do it one at a time...

Whobuddy - would you let me know which book it is you are referring to? I am always on the lookout for new perspectives and approaches.

Hello Hope67,

Dissociation has been on my mind a lot, lately. I can identify six distincly different personas in me. I have given names to them: Mr. Perfect, Frightened Child, Desperate Teenager, Protector, Fighter and The Man I Could Have Been And Would Like To Be Always. Long name, that last one  , but I am afraid he doesn't see the light of day a lot, these days 

Anyways, the differences are significant. Mr. Perfect is active at work, at the Gym and in patient situations. He doesn't get depressed and doesn't have tics, either. This has delayed correct diagnosis for a long time, since I'll invariably appear to be just fine, sitting in front of a doctor. Never got a Tourette diagnosis, though I constantly have tics when I am not Mr Perfect  Anyways, I defined all six personas for my therapist, and it became clear to me that each and every one of them had developed as a defense mechanism, as a means to keep me alive. So, even though I still keep that weird long name for who I would love to be at all times, I know he wouldn't have lasted to adulthood without the help of the others. So here's a group hug for all our different personas: