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Justin, thank you so much for expressing what I've been feeling but unable to put into words. I'm new to this website and your post just made my night. I've also been struggling with complex ptsd related to childhood trauma and was never able to feel like anyone understood my challenges until I came across Pete Walker's book. I've been misdiagnosed with ptsd, bipolar, and anxiety disorders for years and was never able to get anything out of therapy. The social impact that cptsd has had on my life has been the most devastating. I know a lot of people but I'm close to no one really. I've never been able to connect sufficiently with someone to get passed the acquaintance stage. I had a boyfriend in high school who loved me but I couldn't reciprocate because I didn't feel like I wanted to get close to him so I ended up pushing him away. Never been in an intimate relationship because I don't know how to. Whether it is friendship or beyond that. I feel like I lack skills that come so easily to others. But I don't know what I'm missing except for the obvious. I get angry at me for not being able to make it happen for myself now that I'm an adult, have a job and make a good living. For what? If it's without family or other meaningful relationships in my life. The irony is that everyone I know sees me as this very normal, strong person, and even social. That's why I always feel like there is a glass between me and people. They don't know and I can't relate.
You're not alone. So don't quit. Cause I won't quit and this website has given me hope that there are some people who get it.
Thank you!

Hi, my name is Justin and I'm relatively new here to the forum.  I'm honestly really happy to have learned about cptsd and that there are SOME places at least for support and community.  I developed cptsd in childhood and honestly all the therapists doctors healers and gurus I went to looking for help never mentioned anything like cptsd to me, or even that perhaps I had been severely traumatized and abused as a child. 

Anyway, as happy as I am to learn about cptsd, and as eager as I am to recover, after reading Peter Walkers book I feel rather overwhelmed and a little bit hopeless.  Because I am primarily a freeze type with cptsd, I have spent most of my life in avoidance, hiding and isolation to the point where my social skills aren't so hot.  I mean I can do it, I can talk to people and so forth but it's always sort of a mask and the whole experience is very draining for me and I find myself counting the minutes before I can make my escape.  Also because of my constant state of shock fear and confusion growing up I isolated in my room and didn't learn a lot of things so my reservoir of things to talk about isn't so hot either.  Believe it or not as a male I avoided things like sports music and cars because the loud noises and tons of people were extremely triggering for me.  Honestly after learning about cptsd everything makes so much sense now. 

I know I need to connect with others, and learning about emotional flashbacks and how to manage them is very helpful, but it's so incredibly difficult that I find I don't want to lol.  I'm also very interested in spirituality and meditation, so when it comes to things like seclusion I can take that to the next level.  I've had a few girlfriends in my life but nothing serious, and I can never 'do it' you know?  Connecting with others in a real and intimate way is something I've never been able to to do, and I always end up pushing the girl away. 

I have had to go no contact with my abusive family and so I am alone and have no support system.  Honestly it really sucks and it's hard to go on like this.  I get so angry that I have to deal with cptsd and now I have to go through all this recovery just to get to a somewhat 'normal' place that I just say screw it sometimes. 

Anyway, at least I know now what I'm struggling with and how to get through it.  Having cptsd is hard enough but the freeze element of it makes it even tougher to get through the inner emotional ice wall that I have developed. 

I wanted to know if anyone here has trouble connecting with others and or in having intimate relationships with others.  I feel so invisible like I'm alive and part of a community but not really.  I work at night as well to give my nerves a break, so it's a very lonely world (although I do like to be alone for the most part).  I'm also underemployed as I was never able to complete a four year university due to intense emotional flashbacks in school settings and panic attacks I'd have and that has made my life extremely limited and narrow.  I honestly hate this and frankly wish I was never born if I was just going to end up with something like this and with no family support or love.  My Mom and sister live 15 minutes away from me but because of how abusive they are and the fact that they don't respect my boundaries, I spent Christmas alone in a cafe with a chicken salad sandwich and some coffee.  In fact I spent all the holidays alone.  And I can do it you know I'm used to it, but it's hard and I'm honestly sad. 

I'm looking to go to some coda meetings in the area to at least start to open up and have some intimate and vulnerable conversations with people, and some other spiritual groups in the area. 

Can anyone relate to this type of thing with connecting with others?