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Sorry about my late response. I've been doing my bad habits again, so ignored all I should do...

I appreciate that you shared that, Ah. Your persistence is inspiring and it reminds me what it's necessary to do to recover. And I hope your not entirely unable to take in compliments. It would be very sad if you were.

DR, I see you know far more about these topics than I do if you want to share about your own experiments I'd very much enjoy that. Saved books and link.

Thank you for the reply, Ah.

Reading about the effort you put to being positive makes me realise that you also have similar feelings, and also how little effort I put in.

I really am a "baby", I think.

I think you're an amazing person, Ah. As is DR. You put effort into feeling better while I don't do anything, and just complain instead.

Thank you, Rocket. I absolutely will try your suggestions.

And thanks for making me feel less alone. I'm sorry that you love struggled like this too. Maybe we're similar in some ways like you suggest. I guess I also have a rational, cold logic kind of mind, together with high sensitivity and too strong emotions. You said you're on the spectrum for Asperger's? I believe I might be too, to some extent.

My new contact gave me a feeling that she cares. I'm terrified of getting "hooked" on her opinion on me now.

I'm interested in consciousness and paranormal research since I saw a lecture on it on youtube that I thought was convincing. Search "Dean Radin google lecture" - you got to check this out.

Tom Campbell, an ex-Nasa physicist, has a lot of interesting lectures up too, including his own "theory of everything: where the deepest goal in life is to decrease fear and increase love, which has a real effect on reality as Dean Radin shows in his lecture.

I think getting into this could be a way to get out of cynicism. Like everything positive to me, it seems too good to be true. But if it is, love (positive intent) definitely is something very real in the world, and this will erase all my cynical doubts.

I guess the difference is that you and Ah knows love exist to yourself because you feel it. I guess I don't. I'm so numb I don't feel anything aside from anger and bitterness.

Thank you for your replies, I really appreciate it. I didn't reply sooner though because I was constantly hesitating with my perfectionism when I was trying to write back. I ended up deleting my first reply for this reason, the one Rocket replied to.

I'm having severe brain fog right now and literally can't think, so I'm sorry if my short reply seems arrogant or uncaring.

Ah, I got quite emotional when I read your reply. Thank you for writing to me.

I'll get right to it. I enjoy science but reading certain things and having certain experiences has made me develope a nihilistic, darwinistic view of the world. I'm a pretty cynical person. As I'm currently making my way through "Surviving To Thriving" I realise how my views holds me back in my recovery. Same with using Walker's EF and critic management steps. I struggle with the concepts of unconditional love, and especially unconditional self love. While I get how valuable that would be for healing, I don't believe in unconditional love. I saw a nature documentary where a mother bird killed her weakest chick, and I could help but draw parallels to my own disappointed parents and how I've always felt that I was weak. While we may say "that's cruel nature", and and extreme example, certain revealing things in psychology makes it seem to me we're very much an animal and life not much more than a competition. I know I'm self-sabotaging my recovery efforts but I can't help thinking these thoughts. I just don't believe that love exist.

Thanks for the reply. What I read wasn't so much about positive thinking but rather about creating this spartan, self-disciplined lifestyle that really spoke to me. I've realised that lack of self-discipline is my biggest problem in life, and the problems it causes a big reason for my depression. Thanks or reminding me to not let my fears control me. I read about self parenting in "surviving to thriving" thanks to you mentioning it, and felt it was very useful for me right now.
I really have to push myself. I'm in my late 20's and feel completely unprepared for life on my own. It's going to be very uncomfortable. I also have such a foggy brain I literally feel brain damaged. I've been put as someone severely autistic at the unemployment centre because I came there once extremely foggy while hungover. I can't remember yesterday's and my short term memory feels nonexistent. I also feel like life is unreal, like I've been inside an alternate computer world since my early teens, which was when I had massive anxiety due to mother's sexual abuse. If this mental state I'm in can't be treated I'm not sure I can take it. It feels like I don't really exist. I'm so thankful to finally know what it is though. I'm praying I can cure myself with a new, healthy lifestyle.

Thanks for your answer. It definitely gave me useful perspectives on how to view things. I need to here these things from others, because I don't trust anything I think myself. I always think it's stupid or strange thinking, I guess a symptom of extremely low self confidence. It's almost so I think someone could throw boiling water in my face and convince me I'm wrong for thinking it's hot. You get my point. My mother, who I live with, often complains about everything I do. Sometimes she makes decisions that I realise are irrational and strange, and whenever I've asked her about them she makes it sound like I'm too dumb to get it. I read that if you have an intellectual disability, it's very hard to realise it yourself. So I was very worried I had a retardation. Now i try to remind myself whenever I have this fear that I've severe depersonalisation but was born completely fine intellectually. I still have moments when i despair about this though. I guess it's a part of my cptsd.

Sorry for the long answer, but it felt really good to wrote things off my chest.

I'm pretty sure I have depersonalisation, with symptoms of feeling dissociated from life, and flatened emotions. Today I noticed when I read a particularly inspiring written answer to me on Quora.com, about building self discipline, that the moment I felt myself feeling somewhat revved up about what a possible future might be for me if i really followed those advices, I instantly felt myself very hesitant and anxious. I realise I'm terrified of caring too much about life. I'm guessing my inner critic runs wild whenever I'm taking a few, first steps away from being a robot, immune to fear and disappointments.

Have anyone else struggled with this on their recovery journey? What did you do? Perhaps I already know the best way: just push on and refuse to give in to fear. I've a lot of it though, including a lot of anxiety about the passing of time, I've wasted a tremendous amount of time in my life.

That's great to hear! This was such a joy to read. Those simple words sure mean a lot...

Thank you for sharing this awesome breakthrough, showing us what can be done!

That's great to hear! I hope that from now, resisting the IC will only get easier and easier. Sending you well-wishes!

I had an email notification from WHO about the definition of COmplex PTSD and lo and behold the working group is asking for comments      

So I posted this:

"Emotional" abuse should be included in this definition as this form of abuse is prevalent and a major cause of what leads to those "persistent beliefs about oneself as diminished, defeated or worthless" identified as a symptom. The latter half of the same sentence is somewhat of a misnomer (pervasive feelings of shame, guilt or failure related to the traumatic event). It is the repeated or ongoing nature of trauma rather than a traumatic event that is so common in the development of Complex PTSD.  This also makes the word "post" somewhat misleading.  As in my previous submission it is also important to point out that many of us who have Complex PTSD find the word "disorder" quite stigmatizing and prefer the word "injury."   

It may not get anything except the "Rejected" button again, but at least we are part of the conversation 

I noticed the lack of a mention of emotional abuse immediatelly. Didn't these guys do their homework? Pete Walker (I guess he's book is one of the largest on C-PTSD) cleary states that emotional abuse (in the form of abandonment) is what's at the core of the wounding of trauma. He mentions children who are physically abused and get trauma, but don't get C-PTSD because they aren't emotionally abandoned by at least one care-taker.

Why are people so incompetent? Everyone here has been waiting so long for an official diagnosis and first thing they do is screw up the fundamentals.