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surprising response from H's lawyer to mine...he actually agrees to the divorce and sent an offer!!

that's the good news...the bad news is he offered nothing.

no spousal support, "on account of our equal ability to support ourselves from work"...even though i currently don't work
no division of assets, he keeps everything he controls, which already moved to his new accounts
no division of property, we each keep everything we currently have. after i left our apartment with what i could fit into a rental van (not to mention, the valuable items which somehow were mysteriously not available to pack...who knows what happened to those???)
no equal share in our retirement plans, because the amounts are "relatively equal"...right...after he brought me to a country where i was not legally permitted to work
no help paying the legal cost, which i have already accumulated ~$7k from previous attempts to divorce
and I waive my right to be awarded damages by the court

when i first posted about this, i said i'd do anything to divorce, now i don't know anymore.... if i accept the offer we can file and in a few months i'll be free of him.... but, the offer feels like a slap in the face.... if i take it, am i paying for my freedom? or selling myself short?

hi Hope, i'm afraid i can't help but wanted to say i'm glad you posted about this...i relate completely, used to be very creative and now i feel like i want to draw or write but it's somehow stuck.

Elphanigh, your linework is just lovely, in today's art and the previous i agree with Eyessoblue that you have a lot of talent! please keep posting so i can enjoy them

The sun came out today and it was warm enough to go outside barefoot and in a T shirt! AND there was a deer family in my yard munching happily on our grass.  ❤

whaaaat i am so jealous. it is below freezing here. brrrr!

my reason to be cheerful is that i have a tiny indoor herb garden in my kitchen and the herbs are actually growing...!! i think this is the first time i have not killed a plant

hey chris, glad you are here and vicariously excited for your relationship!

i had a similar dilemma with my current partner...should i tell him about my condition(s), and in how much detail? even with someone who is open and receptive, it's definitely not easy to choose the right words... luckily(?) for me, because of my ongoing situation, some of the info was out in the open already. so i knew going into the relationship that my partner was ready to deal with some stuff.

it seems like you also have a positive signal from your gf, since she told you about her own history and seemed glad that you opened up a bit about yours. still, when you are sharing something as "big" as cptsd, it's pretty intimidating. like what if you hit that threshold where it is just too much for the other person and they don't want to deal? i had that fear big time...still sometimes do, actually!

i think i started by telling my partner something like "i have a long history of physical/mental illness...it's hard to explain all at once, but i'll keep telling you more when it's relevant/when it's a good time to talk, is that ok with you?" he seems fine with the recurring, scattered bits of information coming in. at least it's easier on both of us than talking about everything at once.

I think I should say something like "I have had this condition that I manage, I sometimes feel down, but it is nothing to do with you".

i like that phrasing, because a caring and sensitive partner may worry that your sadness or anger is their fault, and want that reassurance that it isn't. honestly, they would probably rather have the "here's a very intimate and maybe shameful truth about me" conversation than the "you pissed me off/upset me" one!

I have been unable to sleep and concentrate over the smallest perceived slights (none of which have turned out to be real).  I am trying to accept the feeling, let it pass, and not act on it, but I know this will eventually become self-sabotaging.. 

my partner and i both endured abusive relationships as an adult and we have that same issue with over-detecting slights or blaming ourselves for the other's bad mood. even if it's very unlikely that i had anything to do with it, i still get that feeling. we basically agreed to give voice to this stuff because even if it's awkward, suppressing it is worse.... either of us is free to say "hey i noticed you seem a bit off today, and i was wondering if it was because i said/did XYZ?" or "i just wanted to check if you felt frustrated with me and that's why you ABC?"

99% of the time, it's totally off base and we find the other a bit silly, but it feels great being free to ask for the reassurance without being judged.

i hope some of that is helpful, and i'm rooting for you two

thank you this_evening_so_soon and Elphanigh i believe your truths, too. the ones i've read on this forum and all the rest. for some reason my brain weasels don't believe for a second that anyone else would make up a trauma story...only me

absolutely...and i definitely have a voice in the back of my head that tells me it's *literally too many*. like i must have been making some of them up, or exaggerating them, or something, because this story just strains one's suspension of disbelief.

no its not a strange question at all! it's a very very good question that absolutely needs to be asked in your situation.... for reaching out about something so difficult and confusing.

i agree with your therapist, your husband's behavior is abusive. he isn't just giving you "not a lot of support"...he's invalidating your experiences and intentionally sabotaging your recovery with sweets and alcohol. not cool!! and the way he talks down to you, it reminds me of my not-quite-ex-H. especially redirecting your compliments onto himself. very slick and manipulative and selfish.

I'm so used to physical abuse from my childhood that I've just got used to this 'abuse' in my relationship, yes I feel like rubbish when I'm with my husband but at the same time I'm so scared of leaving as he's so manipulating and I think I'll end up much worse off mentally.

from my perspective this is the strongest indicator that your H is abusing you. you don't like how you feel in the relationship with him, the thought of leaving is crossing your mind, maybe it would be a good thing for you, but his manipulation has you scared to leave. he is keeping you trapped, mentally and emotionally.

it's harder to see emotional abuse than physical abuse, especially when you are the victim, because part of the process is cultivating dependence and making you feel like you deserve this treatment. so i just want to tell you...you do NOT deserve being put down or messed with, and it's ok to consider leaving. in fact i hope thats something you are thinking seriously about. don't get stuck on the feeling that you "can't" leave. if you can deliberately weigh your options regarding staying in this relationship or leaving, that's the way to find the best path for you imho.

i got out of an emotionally abusive relationship last year, and at the time i was terrified of leaving, but i can tell you i'm soo much better off in every way. it has been difficult and i'm spending a lot of time grieving about it still. but, i'm so much happier and more fulfilled in my life. and i am so much more enabled to recover from my childhood experiences.

i relate so much Sceal...those thoughts when my phone rings. immediately feeling unsafe. i always think it's going to be the immigration services calling me to tell me to leave the country. if it's not my H calling to gloat that he saw me out somewhere in town. i've tried changing the ringtone but i still jump out of my skin when it goes off. even if i'm waiting for an important call and i want to answer, it takes me so long to calm down and breathe again that i miss the call.

then i look up the number...and it's usually telemarketers anyway.

sending you a few deep breaths through the internet...
   <-- that's the most relevant emoji i could find...

content: sexual abuse, verbal abuse, injury from sexual assault, consensual sex

today i reopened a physical and an emotional scar.... i had sex with my partner "P" which has surprisingly become a huge joy for me. our sex life together is beyond what i could have imagined during my marriage with my technically-still-husband "H". i wanted the sex, in fact i initiated it (which is a thing i do now, yay ) but at the end i was in a lot of pain. and P was feeling remorseful for hurting me.

the injury isn't his fault though. i don't want to be too graphic in describing it here, but it's one of the most common genital injuries resulting from rape. usually it heals fully without medical intervention. however, severe or repeated damage to the same area can cause scarring...and the scar tissue is susceptible to further injury because of its stiff, inelastic nature. so every once in a while, during sex, the scar opens again.

when it reopens, it's like having a brand new wound again, shocking and painful and scary. but there is P, holding me in his arms, apologizing for hurting me, asking what he can do to help...and before i even stop crying from the physical pain, i start crying again over his kindness. like the wound, the kindness feels raw and new every time. somehow i never expect tenderness and concern during sex...even though P has always shown me kindness, it always surprises me. the contrast is so stark between his response and the one i'm used to receiving from H.

H gave me the original injury the first time we slept together. and the second time, when he didn't wait for me to heal. and many times after that, when he wanted sex and i didn't..or even when i did, but couldn't get my body ready fast enough. over and over, he used his body as a weapon to take what he wanted, and damaged my body in the act of taking. H didn't just take pleasure from me forcefully....in place of the pleasure he took, he gave me pain. and when he saw the pain on my face, or heard me crying, or felt my body tense up and resist him, it made him angry. he would shout at me for not being ready, or for doing it wrong, or for having the nerve to push him away. all while he continued the act with my body because why stop? he was not finished yet! and i had better stop making "that face" or "that noise" because he wouldn't be able to keep it up otherwise.

after i cried over P showing me kindness, i cried over the memory of H's cruelty. the sheer monstrousness of hurting the so-called love of your life, and then yelling at them for being in pain and insisting they hide it so you can keep using their body for your own pleasure. and then i cried for my lost innocence, because H was the first person i ever had sex with, and i had no idea it wasn't supposed to be so painful. when he said i was wrong to scream and push him away, i believed him. i cried for my lost agency, for my feelings and preferences that were overwritten by his. for the authentic voice of my pain, which was silenced.

i haven't had the courage before to read up on my injury and whether it can be healed, but today i got the urge to look it up. the images and the clinical descriptions made me feel dizzy and sick. the bodies pictured looked hurt and broken. i got a mirror and examined my own body and saw where it is also broken, where the jagged line on the anatomical drawing represented an injury to my real flesh. and i felt such visceral horror and disgust, and lay down on the floor very lightheaded and queasy. i wanted to cry about the damage to my body, but i couldn't. in hindsight, i think examining my injury was a bridge too far. now every time i move a certain way and that area hurts, i also see the mirror flash in front of my eyes, reflecting the image of my wound to me. i wish i could unsee it.

my experience tells me the wound will heal up again in a few days. and then there will be another, thicker scar. and then it all might happen again. i don't know how to stop the scars from opening...the one on my body, or the one on my soul.

i've tried to start my journal thread a few times, but i don't really know where and how to start...

i can't start at the beginning. i still don't know where the beginning was. i cant remember any initial, "core" trauma. my earliest relevant memories are about symptoms or indicators of trauma, not about any possible sources. early memories (and even relatively later ones) are very muddled or hidden. not much comes up.

i could start with today, but then i'd be trying to tell my story both forwards and backwards, as time goes on and i make new discoveries...and no doubt i'd be leaving things out and getting confused

that leaves me nowhere to start, and it kind of seems easier not to start in the first place.

sometimes i have second thoughts about wanting to post at all, even though the members of this forum have been nothing but lovely. i don't want to take your time and attention. i have a paper journal at home, that should be enough....having my own thread seems like such a huge step toward taking up space in the world, and that's intimidating. to tell my innermost thoughts to an audience feels like an act of narcissism. i even feel a bit like when i tell my T this stuff. it feels like all this darkness and sickness belongs inside of me, where it has always stayed, not out in the world where others can see it.

on the other hand, i remember why i came to this forum in the first place: all these memories and emotions were coming up for me, too often and too fast for processing in therapy, and i felt the need to be heard and seen by someone else. normally i process my thoughts in private and only share the overall patterns or the conclusions i come up with. but i'm not that good at processing emotions. they get too intense and i find it hard to bring them to light without the anchoring, accepting presence of an empathetic listener.

so i think i will start with that, as a dedication for my journal thread. a reminder of why i am sharing, as well as what holds me back from doing so and what makes it so difficult.

that sounds so gorgeous Dee! i have been lowkey thinking about getting inked but i wasn't sure how well it would go on over scars...it sounds like that was not a problem

i'm rooting for you to get the other arm done and then show off your body art in some short sleeves!

just an update...i got so much strength from reading your replies, and just in time... my H once again started to send emails, texts, and calls trying to get my home address for his "paperwork". so i reached out to another lawyer. he was sooo kind and understanding. he told me that while yes, the law mandates a 2 year separation period unless H and i can agree on a divorce contract, that doesn't mean i have to bear more harassment during this time! if i hire him, he said, it's his job to be my shield, to communicate with H on my behalf, and use all the legal avenues available to protect me from further abuse. i definitely don't have any obligation to answer H or provide him my address.

so the lawyer wrote a letter to my H demanding that he stop the unwanted contact. i saw the letter, it was very official looking and all... the kind of letter that you have to take seriously. my H should have received it by now and i haven't had any messages from him for a few days already. so i am feeling very hopeful that he won't contact me again. if he does anyway, he would be violating my official request and we could report it to the police.

sorry Fen i didn't catch your post last week! no problem, i understand

oh, i want to get on board the Blueberry hype train you're such a kind and caring presence on this forum.

i love what you said about codependency, too...i am SO glad to hear someone else doesn't like the term, and that you put so clearly and bluntly:

Codependency is too weak and too blaming a word to describe the anguish behind young Blueberries desperately trying to avoid being termed loser and failure by such important family members. What I developed to try and circumvent is well-practised and well-learned behaviour, but what's learned can also be unlearned, with practice. 

the very word co-dependency implies that you, the victim, are a collaborator or equal participant ("co-") in the abusive dynamic, and it's your problem that you need or rely ("dependency") on the relationship. ummm...that is a total contradiction of how abuse works: (1) it creates or follows an existing power disparity, e.g. parent/child, then over time, takes more and more autonomy and choice from the victim. how can such a constrained and deprived person be called a co-participant? (2) dependency is not a moral failing. it is either an inherent aspect of your situation (like, if you are a child) and/or fostered by the abuser (for example, not letting you save money or leave their house). in a healthy relationship, interdependence is a good thing on both sides. what makes it unhealthy is when the person you depend on abuses you.

i've been called co-dependent before, on another forum for survivors of narcissistic abuse, and i think that's such bullsh!t. the term comes out of AA, as a way to describe how an alcoholic's family actually enables their addiction and interferes with recovery. soo...is it my responsibility now, for existing where my alcoholic H could shout at me, grab me, and treat me like crap? exactly which part was enabling, was it when i begged him to get some help and he told me to !@*#!@ off? or when i tried to take some time away from him, and he tracked me and followed me? and even worse...now the same term is being applied to children of abusive parents?? wow, please show me the silly misguided child who "enabled" their adult parents to abuse. you won't find one because that's just backwards as all *.

(end rant)