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Sending you a supportive and gentle hug SanMagic

Hi Chart, Yes, I also felt energized and stimulated by all the information and discussion - thanks again 

Hi TheBigBlue - Such a lovely big hug, thank you   

Hi SanMagic - Love and hugs to you too - and I am so glad that you've also enjoyed the discussions that have occurred here - I also felt like 'wow' - so much information and so well phrased - so meaningful.  I will be re-reading it - for sure!    to you, SanMagic.

Hi NarcKiddo - Thanks for sharing that you also find it difficult to read some content as well - I think it's the parts of ourselves that aren't necessarily on board with it - or maybe just taking longer to decide what they make of it.  That's how I tend to think about it.  Wow, I've just looked up the book 'Mother Hunger' - by Kelly McDaniel (a trauma therapist) - it looks like a really interesting book.  Maybe I will need to take a look for it - but I have several books still to read currently, so I need to pace myself! But that one does look very useful.  You siad you're re-reading it - are you finding it easier to read the second time, or still taking longer.    I've had an experience once where I literally 'forgot' that I had read a particular book before, and kept getting 'deja vu' feelings whilst reading it - to then discover that I had read it before - but most likely I was perhaps dissociated whilst reading it the last time...  The same with another book that I had underlined things in - not realising that I'd actually read it through in its entirety on a previous occasion.  However, I think that's not happening so much currently - as I feel like I know when I've done things, and when I haven't.  Sending you a hug NarcKiddo 

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29th January 2026
I've just thought about what NarcKiddo said about an audio book and zoning out - this makes me think that I've not tried listening to an audio book - and I wonder what that might be like to listen to a book that is about trauma.  I usually read things from paper books.  I'm now wondering if it would be a nice thing to listen to an audio version of such a book or not.  Wow, that's a strange thought - infact there's a large part of me that feels some anxiety about that thought.  I wonder why that is.

I asked my AI to summarise the idea of the 'Mother Hunger' book, and it said this:

🌿 Mother Hunger in a single line
It's the lifelong ache that comes from not getting enough nurturance, protection, or guidance from your mother, and healing means learning to give those things to yourself now.

NarcKiddo, if you happen to read that, do you think it's a good summary?  I've just put it there, as I liked what was written, and think I will definitely consider nurturance, protection and guidance to my inner parts/selves.

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What I've noticed so far about 2026 is that I feel more positive and optimistic about it.  This is a good feeling to be starting the year with.  I am grateful for feeling that way. 

Hi SanMagic,
Thank you so much for what you said 

Hi Chart, Thanks for the hug you gave me 

Hi TheBigBlue, Wow, huge thanks for sharing all that very helpful information - it feels so validating and valid in its entirety - so clearly written and I will definitely be coming back regularly to re-read it.  It feels like an exciting 'gift' that you shared it with me - thank you very much!!!   

Hi again Chart, Thank you for adding to what TheBigBlue said, because that is also incredibly helpful, and feels like another exciting 'gift' - thank you so much! 

No need for either of you to move your posts - I very much want you to keep them there, as I will find them invaluable to look back on and process further.  Thank you so much 

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28th January 2026
I feel excited by the information shared so generously - it honestly feels invaluable, because it's from people I know are experiencing these things and forging a way forward to work towards integration and it feels very positive and I feel ever more hopeful.

I am grateful to you for sharing it.  Thank you     

Hi SenseOrgan,
I just saw your reply - thank you!  I love that you've got some good vibes from my posts 

I hope the Unshaming book arrives soon for you.  I am so glad to have bought it - very grateful for your mentioning it. 

Thank you SanMagic - I very much appreciate what you said 

Thanks TheBigBlue - I also try to leave some space and opportunity for my anger to surface, as I do think it is protective.  Thanks for what you said. 

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27th January 2026
I've been dreaming lately - really realistic dreams.  I've been waking up from those dreams with very tense muscles, as if I've been in a state of fight/flight in the dreams.  Some of the dreams have been based in my early childhood settings - but I think I've been an adult, rather than a child.  I think I've been taking a more 'active' role in the dreams - i.e. rather than being a passive person, I've been actively involved in 'actions' - so this feels quite good to me, when I reflect on it.  It's like I'm actively taking some steps towards some independence and actively making some differences in the dreams, rather than running away/being scared/feeling terror. 

I haven't been doing any bilateral stimulation for the past fortnight - I had been doing it daily before that - listening to the binaural beats music - but for some reason I felt like it had integrated something for me, and I just didn't need to do it in the past couple of weeks!  I think that's amazing really. 

I've also noticed that I've been getting some flashbacks of memories relating to my teenage years and early 20's - just now and then, but they feel as if they're correctly placed in time and place - which is interesting as before I wasn't able to pinpoint such things - it felt so much more fragmented - it's like it's beginning to link together and make some grounded sense.  I don't think I can convey this appropriately in words, but just writing this will remind me of what I'm thinking of.

I've started reading the book about Shame called 'Unshaming' - but I've noticed that I can't read much of it in one go - I need to pace it in very short chunks - which is ok - I suspect I am then able to process it more.  But I also recognise that there's something 'stopping' me from reading it for long.  I am respectful of that - I'll try to pace it at the level it seems to want to be.

Hi NarcKiddo,
I really related to you saying that you experienced 'rage attacks when cooking was involved' (relating to your experiences when young and your M was cooking).  It reminded me of my own M, and her 'rages' about having to cook.  When I read that you had been called a traitor just for staying with your F, instead of following your M, and that you were just six years old - that made me feel angry towards your M for her calousness and for her egocentricity.

I also relate to what you said about how your M infiltrates your spaces and doesn't give you much space to have them for yourself - I feel like I'm on Little NK's side - cheering her along that she is right to feel maligned by those things.  Wow, when you labelled your M as a 'great mould fungus' - that made me laugh, but only in terms of how crazy it is that someone can impact so much on our lives and on parts of ourselves - to feel like there's a fungal infection - I wish there was some anti-fungal treatment that could be magically sprayed around all areas, so that her spores could be erased from impacting any further. 

Please disregard anything that feels 'over the top' in my words - I am literally just writing as I was thinking, and didn't really think through what I've written.

Sending you a big hug  and another one for Little NK 

I hope your session went smoothly, thinking of you 

Hi SanMagic, Thank you 

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24th January 2026
Just copying some notes I made about ANGER, so I can tear up the paper copy, but keep the notes in this journal.

Unfortunately I don't know what source I found these notes in.

These are the notes I took:

Emotion as a houseguest - showing up to tell you something.   Open the door.  Give them a moment to connect with you.  Go on with the rest of your day.

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Anger - It's not a bad feeling, but when we ignore or project it, it can lead to unhelpful reactions.

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Anger - helps us speak up when we've been hurt.

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Anger - helps us identify and protect our boundaries.

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Shadow work (Jung) - meet those hidden parts with curiosity and compassion.

Hi Dollyvee, Thanks so much  Wishing you all the best for 2026 as well.

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23rd January 2026
I had been feeling a bit overwhelmed as I had so many books out from the library and intended to read them - plus I'd bought a few books as well - anyway - I've returned ALL my library books and have decided just to focus on the books I've bought - and I am also considering potentially having a digital break for the whole of February - but not sure whether I'll definitely do that or not.  I'm finding it liberating to make decisions - almost as if I feel more 'adult' for making those decisions.  Now that I no longer have a large pile of books - and instead have a more manageable list of books that I'd like to read - I feel like it's already feeling lighter and more manageable!

I also think that a digital break for February would stop the algorithm thing that seems to happen - i.e. taking me down various rabbit warrens with regard to content that I end up reading online - having that digital break means I can then focus my brain on things I actively choose to look at in the non-digital world.  Maybe buy a newspaper, or magazine, or book, rather than seemingly randomly reading social media content etc.

I am relieved that there are less temptations around food-wise (now that the festive period is over) - because it means I can re-focus on trying to eat heathily and lose some of those extra kilos/pounds that have re-joined me! 

Thanks Blueberry, I haven't looked at their courses for a while, but I remember some good ones in the past.  I might take another look.

I'm glad to hear you feel a little better today - hope you enjoy your rest time later in the week.

 

Hi SanMagic, how wonderful that you have snow.  That sounds so nice.  Yes, those flowers will be here soon. 

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21st January 2026
I want to quote this from p.14 of 'The Unshaming Way' by David Bedrick:

"The act of unshaming relates; it witnesses with feeling.  When a person experiences a listener's compassion, empathy, and heart, they internalize the sense that they matter, counteracting shame's message that they do not."

This reminded me of a situation that happened where I hit my head quite hard on an unexpectedly low ceiling area/object, and the response of a person there was so caring and concerned for my well-being, and I remember that so many parts of me were very surprised that someone had cared enough to notice and say how they were concerned.  It was emotional to feel that care and feel witnessed with compassion and caring.  I have remembered it strongly since, and reading what David Bedrick wrote about unshaming reminded me of that situation, and that strong feeling when witnessed and treated with empathy, care and concern.

Hi SenseOrgan,
The book (Unshaming by David Bedrick) has arrived, and I've started reading it, and I am so glad I bought it - it is really helpful so far.

I really like what you wrote Papa Coco - about being in the present moment and attempting to find peace there, without analysing the past and the future - just being in the moment - I am hoping to try to do more of that today.