Messages

Hi Dollyvee, Thanks so much  Wishing you all the best for 2026 as well.

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23rd January 2026
I had been feeling a bit overwhelmed as I had so many books out from the library and intended to read them - plus I'd bought a few books as well - anyway - I've returned ALL my library books and have decided just to focus on the books I've bought - and I am also considering potentially having a digital break for the whole of February - but not sure whether I'll definitely do that or not.  I'm finding it liberating to make decisions - almost as if I feel more 'adult' for making those decisions.  Now that I no longer have a large pile of books - and instead have a more manageable list of books that I'd like to read - I feel like it's already feeling lighter and more manageable!

I also think that a digital break for February would stop the algorithm thing that seems to happen - i.e. taking me down various rabbit warrens with regard to content that I end up reading online - having that digital break means I can then focus my brain on things I actively choose to look at in the non-digital world.  Maybe buy a newspaper, or magazine, or book, rather than seemingly randomly reading social media content etc.

I am relieved that there are less temptations around food-wise (now that the festive period is over) - because it means I can re-focus on trying to eat heathily and lose some of those extra kilos/pounds that have re-joined me! 

Thanks Blueberry, I haven't looked at their courses for a while, but I remember some good ones in the past.  I might take another look.

I'm glad to hear you feel a little better today - hope you enjoy your rest time later in the week.

 

Hi SanMagic, how wonderful that you have snow.  That sounds so nice.  Yes, those flowers will be here soon. 

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21st January 2026
I want to quote this from p.14 of 'The Unshaming Way' by David Bedrick:

"The act of unshaming relates; it witnesses with feeling.  When a person experiences a listener's compassion, empathy, and heart, they internalize the sense that they matter, counteracting shame's message that they do not."

This reminded me of a situation that happened where I hit my head quite hard on an unexpectedly low ceiling area/object, and the response of a person there was so caring and concerned for my well-being, and I remember that so many parts of me were very surprised that someone had cared enough to notice and say how they were concerned.  It was emotional to feel that care and feel witnessed with compassion and caring.  I have remembered it strongly since, and reading what David Bedrick wrote about unshaming reminded me of that situation, and that strong feeling when witnessed and treated with empathy, care and concern.

Hi SenseOrgan,
The book (Unshaming by David Bedrick) has arrived, and I've started reading it, and I am so glad I bought it - it is really helpful so far.

I really like what you wrote Papa Coco - about being in the present moment and attempting to find peace there, without analysing the past and the future - just being in the moment - I am hoping to try to do more of that today.

 

Sending you a big hug  as well.

Wow, it's great that you have reduced your abdominal issues as a result of the abdominal strengthening. 

I find that my grief can come out when I'm watching TV programmes that have issues of grief within them.  Even a programme called 'Ted Lasso' on Apple TV has been a roller coaster of emotions for me. 

Sending you a hug 

 

Hi SanMagic, Thank you so much 

Hi Chart, I appreciate what you said, thank you 

Hi NarcKiddo, Thank you for sharing your experience, and thanks for what you said 

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This time of year is tougher isn't it.  I think so.  The weather and these weeks leading into Spring - but I am looking forward to Spring and the flowers - they'll be here soon, and the warmer weather.  I have lots to read - and really the weather doesn't impact too much on that - as it can be cosy to read whilst rain pours.  Glad I wrote this now, as I feel a little more positive already! 

Hi NarcKiddo, SanMagic, TheBigBlue, and Marcine,
I appreciate what you each said.  Thank you very much       

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17th January 2026
It was interesting because I had been talking to my partner about the fact that I hadn't had the feelings of terror at night for a long while.  He then spoke of how he could remember several occasions when he had really feared that neighbours might have come to help - i.e. he told me that I had screamed so loudly sometimes at night.  We were able to laugh about this in retrospect, but I also felt the need to tell him how much I'd appreciated his being able to cope with this - and that he had responded in a helpful and supportive way that was invaluable to me. 

Anyway, I ended up having a night terror last night, and apparently shouted out (rather than screamed) - but I do have a partial memory of it - and I shouted at the point where I had thought that there was someone in the room (a woman) who was holding out a substance that I believed could kill me if I touched it - so that was interesting that it happened like that.  I am relieved that I was able to go back to sleep fairly quickly afterward.

However today my partner reminded me of it, and he wondered if the fact we'd talked about the lack of night terrors, and talking about them again, whether that had brought them back again. 

I told him that I think it's better to talk about things - than not. 

I hope so anyway. 

It's probably just a coincidence that it happened.  I'm not too worried about it.

I doubt that the night terrors will ever go away completely - but the thing is that I cope better, and my partner does understand this.

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I've been experiencing some feelings of GRIEF lately.  ANGER and GRIEF intermingled.  I might do some journalling about what's incorporated in that - maybe.  Not sure. 

Right now, I'm going to get a cup of tea. 

13th January 2026

So, this is my first entry for 2026 in this journal.  I'd like to first say that I do welcome replies and comments in my journal from others, as they are very validating and helpful to me - so if you wish to respond to anything I've said, please feel free to do so.  I value all of you, and what you say.  Thank you so much for supporting me on my journey so far.

So today I wrote (by hand) the following, which I am now re-typing to put in this journal, and will tear up the paper copy.  That process in itself seems therapeutic to me!

* More regulated
* Better able to notice bodily signs and consider them rather than react to them.
* Noticed more feelings that signify ANGER.
* Continuing to digest various biographies and autobiographies and especially glean things from ones that include therapy interactions.
* Still using bilateral stimulation and EMDR.
* Nightime - much improved.  Previous terror feelings no longer there.  Do get another feeling like abandonment, but less impact than previous terror.  Tend to consider the physical impact, bodily sensation - remaining curious - doing some EMDR for a minute duration - Tends to help and can then sleep!
* Frustrated with weight - I had lost weight prior to Christmas - but overdid it, and gained weight - never mind - focus again.
*Still experiencing some strong feelings of DISGUST/SHAME re: not being able to maintain a relationship with a toxic FOO.  Feelings of guilt.  Shame.  Ordered a book about Unshaming - hope this will help.
* Ordered Janina Fisher's new book about Fragmented Parts - understand it's a work-book, so hopeful it will build on her previous work, which has been invaluable to me.
* Noticed that I'm currently most likely avoiding looking at my CSA issues.  Hence feeling some overwhelm at not having sufficient time.  But is this because I am overwhelming myself.  Afterall I can choose how to allocate time etc.

Glad to have started this 2026 journal. 

Sending you support Chart, it sounds really tough for you at the moment, and I hear what you're saying about all the physical pain, the emotional pain, and being in that trough between rogue waves.   

Thank you SenseOrgan, I was impressed by everything written here and also the reviews I saw on Amazon, plus the fact it was on a special price at the moment, so I actually ordered it!  I am looking forward to reading it - although I have a line-up of books I need to get through, and feel like I don't have sufficient time (but I am going to pace myself!!!)