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13th January 2026

So, this is my first entry for 2026 in this journal.  I'd like to first say that I do welcome replies and comments in my journal from others, as they are very validating and helpful to me - so if you wish to respond to anything I've said, please feel free to do so.  I value all of you, and what you say.  Thank you so much for supporting me on my journey so far.

So today I wrote (by hand) the following, which I am now re-typing to put in this journal, and will tear up the paper copy.  That process in itself seems therapeutic to me!

* More regulated
* Better able to notice bodily signs and consider them rather than react to them.
* Noticed more feelings that signify ANGER.
* Continuing to digest various biographies and autobiographies and especially glean things from ones that include therapy interactions.
* Still using bilateral stimulation and EMDR.
* Nightime - much improved.  Previous terror feelings no longer there.  Do get another feeling like abandonment, but less impact than previous terror.  Tend to consider the physical impact, bodily sensation - remaining curious - doing some EMDR for a minute duration - Tends to help and can then sleep!
* Frustrated with weight - I had lost weight prior to Christmas - but overdid it, and gained weight - never mind - focus again.
*Still experiencing some strong feelings of DISGUST/SHAME re: not being able to maintain a relationship with a toxic FOO.  Feelings of guilt.  Shame.  Ordered a book about Unshaming - hope this will help.
* Ordered Janina Fisher's new book about Fragmented Parts - understand it's a work-book, so hopeful it will build on her previous work, which has been invaluable to me.
* Noticed that I'm currently most likely avoiding looking at my CSA issues.  Hence feeling some overwhelm at not having sufficient time.  But is this because I am overwhelming myself.  Afterall I can choose how to allocate time etc.

Glad to have started this 2026 journal. 

Sending you support Chart, it sounds really tough for you at the moment, and I hear what you're saying about all the physical pain, the emotional pain, and being in that trough between rogue waves.   

Thank you SenseOrgan, I was impressed by everything written here and also the reviews I saw on Amazon, plus the fact it was on a special price at the moment, so I actually ordered it!  I am looking forward to reading it - although I have a line-up of books I need to get through, and feel like I don't have sufficient time (but I am going to pace myself!!!)

Welcome back SteveM 

Noticed some glimpses of sunshine up here on the Porch - just sitting for a short while and admiring your Scrabble game.  Too tired just now to join in, but enjoying the breeze and the sunshine, and appreciating all of you here. 

 

Welcome 

Welcome 

 

Sending you a hug  I hope to re-read what you wrote in your summary in the New year when I have maybe more capacity to process things - but for now, I wanted to say that I send you support. 

Hi Marcine,
I relate so much to things you wrote, and naming the 'family' as 'cult' - wow, I relate to that very much - that is something I have considered as well.

I am so glad that you've 'got free' and also that you're 'more alive than ever' - I am cheering you, if that is ok 

Also sending you a hug of support 

Sending you a hug Desert Flower 

Hi SanMagic, NarcKiddo, SenseOrgan, Desert Flower, Marcine & Chart
Thank you all very much for the kind words you said           
Your comments made my heart feel warm - a lovely feeling.  Thank you 

22nd December 2025
It feels a bit frenzied out there - lots of people jostling to look for Christmas presents/food stuffs/whatever for Christmas.  I found some moments of peace and calm within all of that - especially when I ventured into the library, which is one of my favourite places to be - so calm and lovely there.  I chose some books to take home to enjoy.

I think I'll wait till after Christmas is over before I consider my usual goal to think of the various things that have happened over the year, and consider any realisations I've had regarding my progress in attempting to tackle the emotional fall-out of C-PTSD.  But as I consider that briefly in my mind just now, there are some thoughts coming to mind - so I'll jot them down:

I have been able to stay 'mindful' and use meditation to good effect this year - it has enabled me to feel a lot more centred and grounded in so many situations, and I am grateful for having stuck with it and practised it - so that I can use it on a daily basis. 

I feel more like an 'adult' more of the time than I have ever done in my life - and it's been ok - it's enabled me to parent the smaller parts of me who need me, and I am grateful that I've been able to find various books and tools and resources to enable me to try to do a reasonable job of it.

I've noticed that dreams in recent weeks have featured my past work situations, and that is unusual that they are focusing on that - but the good theme within it is that I am coping with the job situations and I'm amazed at how I've managed to cope - this reflects reality, as I do think back and wonder how I ever managed to do what was a complex and demanding kind of profession.  I don't think I would attempt it now!  I feel too scared at the responsibility of it all. 

I've managed to lose some weight during the second part of this year - but Christmas isn't helping me to continue - so I've decided to just enjoy some treats and festive bites, and not worry too much till January - then get back to trying to lose more weight.  I suspect this is true of many people this time of year - not a time for dieting over Christmas!

Wow, I've written far more than I thought I would, and I didn't even think I would be writing any conclusions from the year today - but I do seem to have put down a list, so I'll leave it there for now.

I went to the library today and it was such a lovely place to be - I felt some calm and peace there.  Enjoyed those moments.  Have brought home some nice books to keep me happy over the festive period.