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[Tesseract - Altered State]

Thank you!

Mantra/meditation may well be the most important part of my self-care initiative, aside from the basics (eating, getting to work on time, showering and such )
It can also be quite fun when ones' brain throws in some kind of neurotransmitter release for their troubles (the most appropriate emoticon metaphor for this phenomenon being )

More recovery music: Tesseract - Altered State... Progressive rock and metal with a beautiful sound and truly impressive song structures, and the vocals are just incredible. I waited 3/4 of the way through the album for the screaming to kick in before realising that it's all 'clean' falsetto harmonies and prettiness 

Hey Jazzy, I vaguely remember seeing a psychologist/counsellor in my late teens who would say things like that, and how uncomfortable it made me feel-- having someone else's beliefs thrust onto one in therapy doesn't make for a safe, beneficial therapeutic relationship. Further dialog with other mental health professionals has shown me that she was a terrible therapist
Please don't think there's anything wrong with you if it takes a while to find someone who actually understands you.

When my current psychologist let slip that she also has a background of trauma, I realised that I had found a profoundly trustworthy person to speak to. She understands my situation because she's experienced and integrated her own terrible pain.
To give you an idea of time-frame, it's taken 12 years to find her Along the way I've spoken to 2 others for periods of a year or longer who have helped me significantly- one man who asked me to sign a contract saying I would live out the natural term of my life and put it in his filing cabinet, another (very pushy and AA-indoctrinated,) lady who supported me through early sobriety. She was great, though she just couldn't/wouldn't get on my wavelength and ultimately the 'you have to go to AA' thing got old. Despite that she helped me immensely, and I'm here today writing this because of it

My best wishes to you

I'm actually fascinated with what's called nondual spirituality, but this isn't the place to delve into it.

Prior to my NRM involvement, I had no faith whatsoever; absolute nihilism. The one thing that I have really taken with me in a positive way from the group is that philosophy.

she makes some valid points that "predators (animals) do not attack the sick, but the vulnerable (yet healthy)."

I didn't watch the video (limited bandwidth,) but that was truly a profound moment... I had a sense of the multitudinous factors leading to my becoming involved with a NRM in the first place, as well as the realisation that my being 'targetted' for recruitment isn't a sign of illness, only vulnerability.

I have to say, I've been moved reading the threads in this subforum; good on every single one of you for breaking free

The word 'cult' has been misappropriated by the media (its' actual definition is simply a religious sect with its' own set of rituals/philosophy,) but what you are describing there is definitely a high pressure/manipulative situation which you did very well to escape

The good thing about these scenarios is, more often than not, you will be forgotten very quickly (or become one of the people 'at fault' for leaving,) which leaves you free to continue your life without disturbance!


Have you heard of the BITE model? It may help you put your experience with the group into a bit of perspective. I read things like this in order to finally break free of the new religious movement/yoga group I was introduced to: (EDIT 2: This link specifically mentions traumatic tactics employed by NRMs, definite trigger warning) http://old.freedomofmind.com/Info/BITE/bitemodel.php

Be well

EDIT: To answer your last question, my opinion is that 'cult' in its' modern interpretation, and 'highly toxic and manipulating group' are pretty much interchangable terms.
If you'd have persisted with trying to accommodate their demands you may well have been introduced to some philosophy/occult 'knowledge' which would need to be kept 'secret,' in exchange for more of your soul, which would make it seem more like a religious movement or what the media calls a cult.

That said... Some things are better left unknown I admire your strength for getting out of that situation!!!

[Devin Townsend's Deconstruction]

Devin Townsend's Deconstruction is incredible, as is his album Terria (although Terria has its' own embedded emotional memories for me, being something I started listening to as a teenager...)
Deconstruction seems to be about his mental health and addiction recovery process, it's overwhelming, technically brilliant and... Just huge really

I have managed to develop a positive association with Craig Pruess' (sp?) Sacred Chants of Shiva, despite the loose association with a new religious movement I was involved with until recently.
It's some seeeeerious meditation music, whenever I put it on I am reminded of one of my first conscious moments of self-care; listening to it whilst making myself dinner despite being completely overwhelmed and 'not there.'

It's hard not to confuse 'music for recovery' with 'music that got me through my childhood/adolescence...'

In the latter category, however... Nine Inch Nails' The Downward Spiral opened me up to the realisation that other people felt as horrible as I did.
Strapping Young Lad's City.
Fear Factory's Demanufacture (which was introduced to me by one of my abusers funnily enough,) communicated pain to me on such an intense level; something I needed. It's tiring to remember that I was 10 or 11 when I first heard it... I read these lyrics and think, god, not only was I into the music but this was SPEAKING DIRECTLY TO ME even before adolescence... I remember things like that when I start to doubt whether anything actually happened. Healthy pre-teens don't vibe with lyrics like this:

(Zero Signal)
So withdrawn and feeling numb
Watching life come all undone
Growing fear, a human grace
A drowning mind in a dark
Embrace

My life
A disarray
And I
Fade away

I am down on my knees
Praying beyond belief
The silence deafens my ears
And welds the shackless
Onto my tears

Lost
All faith
Lost
All trust
Lost
All faith
Lost
All trust

So withdrawn and feeling numb
Watching life come all undone

My life
A disarray
And I
Fade away

I am down on my knees
Praying beyond belief
The silence deafens my ears
And welds the shackless
Onto my tears

I have lost all faith
I have lost all trust
A sordid mesh turning to
Dust

I am lost
I am so numb
I am so numb...



Onto more positive things... New music that I have discovered which is awesome, and helping me bolster my personality as an adult, as an autonomous being:

Kartikeya - Mahayuga (technical death metal with hindu influences)
Cult of Fire - मृत्यु का तापसी अनुध्यान (Translates to 'Ascetic Meditation of Death') - Black metal a la Hindu philosophy, freaking AWESOME if you're into that kind of thing...
Wormlust - The Feral Wisdom (Black metal solo project, I've been listening to a lot of that genre lately... Don't confuse it with satanism, only a small portion of black metal artists are actually pushing that agenda... The heart of the music to me is reverence for nature, a desire to be subsumed into the forest, and for absolute solitude; all concepts which had worked their way into my own music before really delving into the arcane metal side of things...)
Neutral Milk Hotel - Little Birds
Neutral Milk Hotel - Ferris Wheel on Fire EP (Both of the above being releases I hadn't heard previously from that band, psychedelic fuzzy folk/noise/acoustic, with the most heart-wrenchingly emotional subject matter and delivery I have EVER heard. The singer/songwriter is apparently quite reclusive, and has definitely experienced a lot of pain. Their main albums, On Avery Island and In the Aeroplane Over the Sea,  come very very highly recommended by me, though they can be triggering in the most beautiful way.)

I could continue for some time, but that will do for now

Very happy to have found this forum, thanks for posting etc. as I deleted my Facebook account a few years ago (for conspiritorial and self-care reasons,) which has turned out to be an incredibly positive move, but also a little isolating as a lot of support/special interest groups are entirely based on there these days!