Messages

  Trace-

It is draining, for me,to put forth all of this energy to find a new T. From what I have experienced thus far, few return calls. One woman gave me her "spin" on T and told me to make an appointment to try her. The thing is, it will take at least four sessions for her to even get where I am coming from. Maybe longer?

It is OK not to "want to do the work"...sometimes I am not up for it. Another example...a T, whom I did like, wanted me to do a "vision board". I was not ready. It was way too soon as the only things I did on a daily basis were wake up, drink coffee, and brush my teeth an hour later. I know, not good on my part, but that was where I was at.....I know I need to be pushed a bit. *I DO understand the whole vision board thing, drawing in the positive, letting the universe do it's thing*.

Another T told me I had to reparent the 11-12 yr old palm...I know this...teach me HOW...she could not.

Wishing you the peace we all deserve!

Hi-

I do not know what this type of behaviot would be named , and I wonder if anyone else experiences it.?.

It is difficult for me to accept presents/gifts. I am always looking for a hidden agenda from the giver...OR when will this kind gesture be thrown back into my face...I am at the point I open gifts, ask that they be returned & let the people keep the money/credir card...Or of that is not an option, the item sits, unused. Even the obtaining of a cell phone w/ my BF is an issue. He wanted to upgrade the phones on his plan, that he pays for, for months I have wanted the new iPhone,we go to the store, I cannot decide, and then I say I do not want a phone. Any phone-->which he pays for.I feel he will throw it up in my face that he is paying the monthly fee (I am not working now)...Will he really? Maybe, maybe not. Have I "earned" the phone by helping him do things? Several times over. This issue has caused too much anxiety, energy, effort.

Do I act this way because "things from my childhood were thrown at me" to deflect the truth? The neglect? The emotional abuse? Sometimes I go to the extreme end of bring my own toilet paper & beverages. I guess I think someone is always keeping a giant score card on me....This is not a healthy way to act.

Any thoughts? 

 

Happy Birthday to all of Us!

i hate my birthday as well. It triggers my trauma of my father dying which started me being an *orphan* as my mom did not care about me.My trauma is the neglect & abuse from my mother. In fact I dislike the entire month.

The only reason I had parties was so my mother could save face w/her FOO. They were not about me.

Terrific thread!

Thanks Kizzie & all whom are contributing to this post.

I will check out the CBT link. I am trying to locate a CPTSD T, but it is difficult.

My over reacting makes relationships difficult.   My BF, whom I am somewhat distant from, staes, "I am going to call you in X amount of time", and does not...I become angry and feel disrespcted. It is not as if I really want to talk, but to me it is another form of lying, another person letting me down.....just text me something came up.

Sorry for the deviation...maybe I should start a new thread.

 

Thank you for this thread. I have an issue with accepting presents, as well as kindness, or even a compliment.

I consider myself extremely kind. When functioning enough to go shopping and in the past, I loved buying presents and wrapping them. No one appreciated any of it.

During my childhood, my PD mom was unable to purchase Christmas presents for me, her only child. Sometimes I would be given money to buy them, wrap them & put them under the tree. She could not lift a finger. Her excuse "I am not a shopper" . Sometimes I would receive cash~at that age cash was similar to receiving a box of dirt. I did feel & know, if i mattered to her, she would go out shopping & buy & wrap the presents. I did not matter. I knew my friends mattered to their parents, as did my cousins from PD mom's FOO. I could never figure out why.

I now know it was not me at all, it was her.

HI-

I over react to minor events as well. I also analyse them to see  a potential hidden meaning. For example:

A Facebook friend, whom I was IRL friends with when I was in elementary & middle school, not so much in high school, messaged me to potentially meet. I did NOT open the message, I just read the first line. I know, to most people, it is an innocent reach out to a friend from 30 years ago. To me, there may be an agenda, or there could be a set up....long story short, the relationship in high school & college & early 20's, typical "mean girls" behavior. I was friends w/ two different girls, they ban together & are against me. I did not care then, really. I do not care now. BUT, in my mind, there is a possibility they may want to make a fool out of me, make me uncomfortable, etc. I cannot risk it.

I also ruminate, and know my quality of life would be much better if I stopped this behavior. Intellectually I know I have not control over what happened and cannot redo that event. But I will talk about it...and as my anxiety increases, I want to speak about this even more...it is a vicious cycle.

I like to end my posts with a positive affirmation, hoping we all heal...The pas has no power over me anymore.

Thanks Rrecovery.

I am starting to write my letters to rid myself of resentment, as I DO realize that everytime I think about the things which have been done to me, I am revictimizing myself....the abusera are not even affected...not thinking of me at all...are not in psychological pain..are able to live their lives....not going to T...not trying different medications, etc.

I am full of anger. I hope the letter writing helps me with this. It WILL...I am taking back my power!

HI-

I am an only child as well. My father did love me, however he died. . I was 11, and almost 40 yrs later, in my mind & thoughts & actions, people are dealing with "11-12 yr. old little palm".

Prior to his death, my mother & I never got along. She was more concerned w/ her FOO. My father was my primary parent and when he died I became an orphan, in my mind. Oh, yes, "All that I have done for YOU". I have heard this line too many times. 

I am sorry you had to endure the trauma.  Are you in T?

  wingnut & Trace-

I am also seeking a T. I had to discontinue w/ my T due an insurance change. I have been to many T's w/ different labels. One of my most helpful was one whom specialized in child psychology.

Wingnut, what questions do you suggest asking the new potential T? A few days I phoned one and left a message w/ my info and MDD/GAD dx...I added I feel as f I have CPTSD/childhood trauma...I do not know if you "buy into this diagnosis". I have not heard back from her.

My goal came from a positive affirmation list-

"I deserve all that is good. I release any need for misery and suffering". Easier said than done. I wish this for all of us.

My u PD mom is a martyr...in fact there is a huge competition to be the Uber Martyr, ie, whom has suffered most, whoim is sicker, more tragedies, etc. I do not even have to enter as I know I would win.

Which is sad  . I do not want to win that title. My mom, my Aunt (non PD), & female cousin (most likely a PD) all fight for air time to tell their tales of woe... I usually ignore them and am off to myself.

I have a rare neuro disorder. I had to relearn how to walk in my 30's. A string of poor relationships, etc. CRY ME A RIVER



lp

 

Thank you keepfighting & Rrecovery for the welcome.

AS I reread my intro, I see & feel the anger, the pain.

I will look into reading the Pete Walker book. I love to read.

I called a previous T whom gave her copy of Trauma & Recovery to read. I left a message asking her if she could help me stop being 11. I  would like to be directed towards how to find a T whom will help me..

I apologize for my spelling & failure to spellcheck.



lp 

Hi-

In my mind, I am still that  11 year old little girl.

I am an only child. My father was my primary parent as my uPD mom was too concerned with her FOO. I knew this at an early age~maybe 5-6. I remember "hating my grandmother" and verbalizing it. My mother's mother, my mother's master.

My father died suddenly of natural causes when I was 11 yrs  and 7 days old. One week after my birthday. That month is "evil" to me. My mother, of course, was in shock, and her mother was trying to boss her around. NO one cared about that little 11 yr old girl. I am crying as I type. They still do not and it is almost 40 yrs later.

I was a child at 11....very innocent. But I knew I could not allow UPDM to live w/ her parents with ME.I really did not care about her. I remember telling her I would go with my Aunt. The only reason she kept our house was she would have been too embarrassed not to have her daughter live with her. It was not about me at all. All about other's perceptions.

No one hugged me, no one talked to me that my father was really dead. I thought he was coming back & remember placing apicture in his suit jacket so he would be able to find me. She saw me do this. *??

I remember freaking out, screaming & crying when her parents would come to our house, with me in it alone, to "help" her. Help her do what? My mother could help herself through the grief by obtaining valium for her "nerves" & shock, but what about me? Today I would probably be placed in T...and have much more info at my fingertips. I would ask PD Mom not to allow her parents to be ther while she was at work....Never happened, no matter what I did. I remember having a tug of war with her mother when a large envelop came to the house. Horrible memory. PD mom could NEVER disobey her mosy likely PD mother. No one cared about me.

Did she think the furniture was going to talk to me? help me? be nice to me, pay attention to me, etc.....I wanted a dog, but that was not allowed.

I have suffered w/ depression on & off for my whole life. I have a huge fear of abondonment. I do not trust many people. I do love animals. I was fairly functional for a long time, but in the last 5 years I have been self isolating, withdrawn,  anxious, etc. Basically I had a "psychological break".

TRIGGER-I was date raped. I never told my mother, it was revealed in a fight/arguement. She looked at me and stated "It was your fault", "You asked for it", and something else similar. She is mean, but portrays to the outside world she is OH SO KIND . Everyone was fooled and still is.

I am sorry to vent. I do believe I have CPTSD. I read Trauma & Recovery on the advice of one of my T's. It struck a lot of "chords". I am still 11. I have never been married, no children. I am lonely. I just would like to take care of orphaned animals.

Interesting fact- Yesterday I brought this up.....Her response. "DID I hit you?" No. I reminded her that not all abuse is physical. I asked her to think of how frightened I was when she would "Joan Crawford" out, start talking in a strange voice, about what a good mother she was..comparing herself to my friends.....That caused a physical pain & was scarey . No answer.

I was neglected and emotionally abused by my mother for years. I did not deserve it, No one does. I am enough and always was.

Thanks for listening.

littlepalm