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Fen Starshimmer

Thank you for the info.! I'll look into that. I'm still undiagnosed as of yet and need to make another appointment with my Dr. She was receptive to CFS last I spoke to her. But I get the feeling here in the States it'll be here's your Dx and then they just give up looking for any root cause.
I have looked at the cpn protocol and took the NAC test. Essentially confirming a nasty bacterial infection. I do believe C-PTSD has compromised my immune system and me vulnerable to various infection. In addition to having genetic mutations that alter my methylation processes. I am determined to heal my body of this.
Thank you again, if you're  feeling up to it and have any more info. you think would be helpful please feel free to pm me.

Blueberry
Thank you for sharing your experience.
My T reacted really well. I was surprised about that. I walked into our appointment with a lot of anxiety. Feeling like I was going 'to be in trouble' and a disappointment. One more thing Atlas hasn't finished. Surprise surprise. (Hello, inner critic) She was none of those things. We did talk about how I felt about about it and staying present with what I was feeling and what was going on in my body as she does Somatic Experience with me.

I have found myself wanting to color lately. I think I'll get a coloring book and start there. Perhaps a littler me needs to play first.

Jazzy
Thank you for your support. I am interested in what you're experiencing about this. If it's hit a soft spot then maybe there is something there. I wouldn't want to leave you hanging if you need support too. Maybe we could start a different thread? For people to talk about this topic specifically. I don't know where that would go. A 'playroom' of sorts, I guess.

Thank you both for your responses!
I felt like I was verbally vomiting while writing this. Anger is a hard emotion for me. It was never allowed. It was never warranted. Constantly being told "It was a joke" or "I didn't mean it that way" and listening to people rewrite the past to events I was present for is crazy making.
I know in all reality I will probably never know exactly what happened. But I can't deny the reality of what I am/ have experienced anymore.
Thank you for your validation. It is truly helpful.

Hi goth_mike,

Thank you for the warm welcome. I'm glad to see you worked through your block. It gives me hope. It still feels like a strange thing to struggle with. Thank you for sharing your experience. I would at some point like to go back to school. At times it seems so far away. Like how can I do something that feels so big that I want to do when I can't do a small thing that I want to do. 

One foot in front of the other, I guess.

I looked all over the forum today trying to decide where to post. But there are so many things I need to say I figure it's time to start this journal.

**TRIGGER WARNING**
   *CSA/Neglect/Emotional/Physical*

*CSA* Start

I had posted a little bit ago in my introduction about a memory I had resurface recently. I had a visual memory of a male in a door way that was backlit. No real features but I could see him standing there tall, thin, and pushing his hair behind his ear. I was laying on the floor supposed to be taking a nap. I remember being terrified. I remember being picked up. I was about 2. And then the pain. The excruciating pain. It hurts so bad I feel like I'm going to puke. I can't breathe and I can't scream. And I'm suffocating under the weight on my chest.

This was the memory. I knew  Big Sister had been molested while in the care of a babysitter in the same timeframe of this memory. I called her and asked if I had gone to the babysitters as well. In general. She said yes and I told her I thought I remembered some thing. She told me she didn't think anything happened and that I wasn't in the room when she was assaulted. And that perhaps I was remembering what she had told me. I told her it was a first person memory and the pain I felt was very real.
Fast forward a few days and I'm at M's.
She tells me that  Big Sister has told her what has happened and the questions I have. And proceeds with this gem, "Big Sister told me you weren't in the room. And that there were other kids there. And I know if something happened to you, you would've hollered. Because when you and Big Sister were in the bathtub she put her finger in your vagina and you screamed." She then tears up and is extremely regretful that she didn't recognize that Big Sister doing this meant something happened to her.

*CSA* End


I was 2. Big Sister was 5. Intellectually I understand she was a child. But I don't care. Not now. Not this moment in time. And I don't feel sorry for her. I'm angry. I'm angry at all of them. My whole life I was made to feel sorry for her. She had all these problems. Don't upset her. You know how she gets. And all the while Big Sister is whispering in my ear how I'm the favorite. And then how 'they' ( M & F ) never wanted us, never loved us. In between beating me, and trying to manipulate me into hurting myself. I'm the favorite. We have to stick together. It's just the two of us. She (M) hates us.  But it was them together that locked me in the basement. Laughing. It was them together that told me I wouldn't be a good mom. That it wasn't that bad. That I had nothing to be angry about. But I do. All of the things. And I know you were a child Big Sister. But so was I. And I didn't torture anyone and I didn't torture the animals nor did I kill them. Not like you.

I will come out of the basement. I will leave Room 101. There will be no more Ministry of Love, Big Sister.

Hi Andyman73,

I read this post and wondered the same thing. Is there anything like this for men? I don't know, but I think it's worth a look. Because it does matter. It really really does. I'm tired of being forced fed an idea that men are emotionally disconnected from their consensual sexual experiences or that they would need healing from sexual trauma. It's important. I'm going to look up the book she was reading and I'm going to see if I can find anything for men too. I'll let you know if I find anything.

I'm sorry you're going through this. It sounds like you are making great progress with your trusted support (T & BF). To have someone in a position of authority/power be dismissive and invalidating is truly detrimental. I might suggest talking to your T about this and perhaps asking if they know or can refer you to some one else. As Dee said your care team needs to be a team and on the same page. I personally don't think an hour is enough time to have made any kind of assessment let alone a conclusion. The comment was irresponsible and unprofessional.

I think it is very difficult for survivors of abuse to be able to trust themselves, their own minds, and their intuition. There is a lot of gaslighting and manipulation that goes on around abusive events. It challenges our reality and perception of what happened. What we know to be true vs. what we were/are being told happened.

My entire life I have felt like there was something in the back of my mind. But I didn't know what. It hunted me. A shadow of something I didn't know. It caused me pain, paranoia, and suffering. I recovered a memory recently from when I was little under 2. Part of being able to do that was listening and understanding to my bodys reaction to certain things. My subconscious was reacting and my mind would put a stop to it because it is wired to do that. Until I didn't need it to do that anymore and I learned a truth. My truth.

It sounds to me that you have experienced a traumatic event that has impacted your life. I think your subconscious knows this. Somewhere in there is your truth. Even if it is not the narrative that is currently being told and may be something else there is something there.

Should you need it;
I stand on my truth and uphold you with strength and courage on your journey to find yours.

Hello Jazzy,
Thank you for your comment.
I like your curiosity! Those are good questions.

So, I have not completed my homework as of yet. We were doing some inner child work and at some point she asked me what I liked to do. I like to dance. I used to like to dance. And I like to make things. Tinkering mostly. My homework was to dance and/or play with an electronics lab kit that's been sitting in my closet unopened for 5 years.

I couldn't muster up enough force to do it. I've pretty much avoided it for 2 weeks. Everytime I got excited to do it, I would immediately feel sad, tired, and then horrible physical pain. I made some realizations but started having EFs. Like there was something more and then a memory resurfaced. As difficult as it has been these past few days I believe the memory resurfaced because I was ready to know and have gained the skills to handle the emotions that have come with it.

My anxiety is at an all time low and my pain is almost nonexistent. I feel more at peace and am working on giving myself permission to create joy in my life, to finally be able to play.

This was my experience with being tasked to play. I hope this answered your question as to what my T meant. Please feel free to ask whatever you want. If you or anyone chooses to 'play' or has done this and feels comfortable sharing their experience, I would like to hear how it went.

Thank you for the welcome and encouraging words.

Rainagain - I'll be around! I'm glad my post sounds like it's full of courage because it definitely didn't feel that way. But I did it anyway and right now I'm celebrating every victory.

Sanmagic7 -  Thank you for being here. This piece was very difficult but it also brings some relief to finally have some answers.

Three Roses - Thank you, I'm working on it. It seems like it should be easier than it is.
The Velveteen Rabbit was one of my favorites.  Although, when I was little I would be sad because I thought I hadn't loved my toys enough to make them real.

Thank you. I have a hard time sharing my writing. It means a lot to me that you said somthing.

Cast into shadow
by the glaring of the limelight.
Burnt by the sun, she fell
her feathers on fire.

Hidden in darkness,
I found the Child.
Crouched and crying,
I found the Child.

Fallen from grace,
a miserable thing.
An inhuman monstrosity,
A horrid little tragedy.

Trapped and destitute,
I found the Child.
Crouched and dieing,
I found the Child.

How long it's been since
she's gone unseen.
It's been too long
since I've looked for me.

In the silence,
I found the Child.
Quieted,
I found the Child.

Hello,
After stalking about the forum for a few weeks now I figure it's time to introduce myself.

I fell ill about 6 months ago. After exhaustive tests that produced no diagnosis my M.D. and I are slowing coming to the conclusion of Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. While looking into this disease I came across information that linked early childhood trauma (among other things) to CFS/ME.

I was aware that I didn't have a great childhood, that several of my ex's were abusive, and I have struggled throughout my life with depression, anxiety, and various issues including PTSD. I was not aware of how my FOO was still causing me pain and the extraordinary toll this has taken on my life in so many ways.

I started therapy last month (again) and have been doing a lot of reading. The past couple of weeks I have been struggling with the homework my T gave me. Which was to play. It sounded so simple but I just wasn't able to do it. I couldn't understand why. I fell down a rabbit hole and came out a looking glass. Yesterday, after several EFs I had a memory surface. Luckily, my SO was home and was able to talk me through it and comfort me. I have gained so much clarity in the last 12 hours. I know the road ahead is long and at times will be difficult. But I would not have made it as far as I have without this forum. I want to say thank you to everyone who has posted their truths and to everyone who responded with kind words. And to the lurkers like me may you find peace and solace.