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So recently I've been struggling to get by in school, and I can't tell if it's a CPTSD thing or an ADHD thing or what, or more importantly, how to deal with it. (Also, this is my first time making a non-intro post, so if this isn't in quite the right spot apologies in advance)

For some time now (like since early October), I've had very little to no motivation to go to class or do any of my assignments. Not to say I was particularly thrilled about it before that time (I actually didn't hate it; I did think the material was cool and I was finally taking classes that I was interested in. But still. School.), but I always went to class, and did all of my work on time, until after a little over a month in to the semester I started falling behind in my work and not feeling able to get up and go to class. A week or two after that started, I started feeling better and tried my best to catch up and went to class some times, but it seemed like I was only just finally managing to get a little bit caught up when I ran out of energy again and started the cycle all over.

Now I seem to be in this awful pattern where I know I have an assignment due but I just can't seem to do it. I stay up horrifically late trying to get myself to just do it, because it's due the next day, but I never do it, and I can't figure out why. For the past several days I've been going to sleep around 7/8 AM and waking up just in time to make it to whatever class I have, which usually starts around 12/1 PM. The worst part is knowing I have enough time to get it done, but still not doing it. I sit around doing absolutely nothing except thinking about how I have to do the thing, and then don't do it. Today I took a test that I couldn't bring myself to really study for on material that I hadn't been to any of the classes for (I had notes for every day I missed, but didn't really take the time to teach myself.) Tomorrow I have to have sources compiled, but haven't even taken out the directions. Friday I have the "final draft" due for a paper I haven't even started writing, and a work event that I still need to gather sources/supplies for. I can't seem to do any of it, even when it's stuff that isn't that difficult or is supposed to be interesting. I just sit here. I'm supposed to be hopefully getting ADHD meds soon so I'm hoping that will help but idk. I don't know what to do.

I don't have the energy today to reply to all of you individually unfortunately, but thank you all for the kind responses. ^^  I really appreciate that.

[Possible tw: describing in light detail the things that have been said to me, brief self-harm/suicidal thoughts mention, brief eating disorder mention]

Possible tw: describing in light detail the things that have been said to me, brief self-harm/suicidal thoughts mention, brief eating disorder mention

Hey what's up guys/gals/non-binary pals? It's an ungodly time in the morning and I haven't slept yet "tonight", thought "Why not join that support forum I saw ages ago?" out of nowhere, so now here I am making a generic intro post thingy.

So yeah I guess info about myself?? First off I feel like I'm a baby compared to most of y'all on here at the ripe young age of 18, and I'm currently struggling to get through my first semester of college. It's been... not great tbh. But I'm still alive! Huzzah! 

To do so I moved away from SoCal (where I've lived my whole life) to Oregon, which has been an interesting adjustment. It actually dropped below 50 degrees (F) during the day this week!  It's not even winter yet! And there's no In-N-Out  That's just silly surface stuff obviously, but still. Things are Different™.

The real adjustment is trying to figure out how to live an actual life after being raised in an incredibly controlling, verbally and emotionally abusive home environment. My whole life has been characterized by being incredibly "gifted" academically yet being rendered completely useless with basic life skills like cooking, laundry, etc., because my parents always did everything for me that I'd need to take care of myself so that they could push me harder when it came to school. I've never made any of my own appointments or anything; my mother has legitimately pretended to be me on the phone before to get things done without me.

So now idk How To Adult, and that whole "gifted" thing never panned out either; I'm super ADHD, so focusing on homework and getting things done has always been a huge struggle and source of conflict at home. I was able to skate by for a while based on "being smart" but now I'm pretty much at the same level as everyone else, and floundering hardcore. I'm currently working on finally getting treatment/medication for it (my mother was always one of those "I'm not giving my child drugs!!" parents, but did literally nothing else to help me cope w/ my disorder), but it's slow going.

If it wasn't obvious yet, I've been dealing with a lot of verbal and emotional abuse when it comes to school stuff pretty much my whole life. Basically, being told that I'm just being lazy, that I'm "so smart" that my work should be easy for me, how they couldn't believe I didn't understand something so simple, that I just needed to shut up and do it instead of "acting like a brat". Essentially, crying is stupid and a waste of time and there's no way I could be upset by the fact that focusing on stuff I'm not interested in physically pains me, I must be throwing fits because I'm just not willing to put in hard work. I know I'm being kind of broad here, but this is just a basic intro to my life so. Trust me when I say that actually experiencing this was a lot worse than it sounds.

On top of that I also have to deal with my parents fighting each other 24/7. I honestly am not even sure about what exactly most of the time, usually it's money but it's equally likely that an argument is about something small and irrelevant in the grand scheme of things. They still haven't split though, which I think is kind of stupid because I've literally never seen them give any indication of even liking each other as people, let alone being interested in each other as partners. They seem content to keep on being miserable with each other though, and to keep dragging their kids into it, because that's totally healthy.  This didn't help tensions in the house, cause I used to be so upset by them fighting that I would deliberately act out to get them to be pissed at me instead of each other. That definitely screwed me up a bit.

A whole lot of other stuff has happened with them besides that but I honestly don't remember most of it until it's immediately relevant. It feels like we just don't get along, and the reasons aren't super apparent. So now I'm dealing with ADHD, depression, anxiety, and cptsd (most likely, none of this has been formally diagnosed besides the adhd), without full clarity about what interactions with my parents were traumatic and what triggers are going to pop up.

This post is getting rather long and possibly nonsensical (I started this at 3 and it's quarter to 7 now omg im tired), so I'll keep this section brief, but I wanted to add a quick list of other life things that will probably come up in future posts.

• I have a lot of trauma surrounding religion that I don't like to get into much, but mostly because I'm gay and trans and basically was told myself and everyone I love are going to * (there's other stuff too but that's the gist of it).
• I struggle with self harm and suicidal thoughts a lot, mostly due to feelings frustration and hopelessness towards my place in capitalism/society.
• I have a very loving boyfriend back home in SoCal who makes having to go home and stay with my parents during the holidays a little more bearable I adore him tbh. The only part that sucks is that he's in a very similar situation to me, so I'm not just dealing with my own awful life, but also I end up being sad a lot that I can't help him much with his or be with him in person as much as I'd like. He helps out with my breakdowns and stuff all the time though so it's worth it.
• A lot more people than just my parents have let me down and compacted all those issues. So many trust issues. So many.
• I struggle with a lot of body issues and an unspecified/diagnosed eating disorder as well, a lot of it bc of things my mother told me about my weight

So yeah, that's my life in a "brief", awful summary. I'm almost definitely forgetting some stuff that's important but oh well. I mostly just wanted to get an intro out of the way so that I could use this place if I need to. Idk how often that will be (esp. considering I'm not allowed to swear?? This post alone has been so hard to write... what do you mean f-bombs aren't punctuation??  ) but who knows.  You'll probably see me around I guess.

Thanks for reading. ^^