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Also from what I read in your story, neither of your parents nor other adults at school were emotionally available to you.  Sounds like strong "emotional neglect" which Pete Walker in Complex PTSD the book says is the key creator of CPTSD, emotional neglect with no "good enough" parent...

I'm not a diagnositican but for waht its worth I've come to realize that I've always thought "I never had it THAT BAD" and yet I'm becoming more and more certain that CPTSD fits me - but the key was...I had no EMOTIONAL ADULT in my house.  Mom and dad were present and gave me material needs...they did the best they could but...didn't leave me with that much resources emotoinally -- I lucked out in terms of still somehow being smart (IMO) but emotional intelligence was zero, and is just improving now at in the past few years, I'm early 30s now and have spend some time reading and in therapy. But 5 yearas of therapy stuff before tying everything to the CPTSD (ratehr than "just depressed" etc)

Hi decimal

I'm inspired by the amount of energy you clearly have put into your journey so far.  I know that doesn't take away the pain. 

I get triggered too -- thats i think what made the cptsd obvious to me.  but i never noticed triggers for years and then in the past year or two ive realized how i go in and out of "well resourced and grounded states" and then into "total funky states" and eventually realized these are "emotional flashbacks" that characterize cptsd. 

you're quite dedicated in your reading, and...well, can i offer you a bit of wish for your safety and happiness over the web?  (sending metta meditatoin vibes your way if thats cool!)

tom

Hey, I isolate a good deal too!  Pete Walker's book helped me understand this stuff and see how that behavior is a coping mechanism...also the book normalized how some people are better helped by stuff like online support communities before they can be helped by people in real life.  very grateful for that! 

thanks for joining here just like i did

Pete Walker says C-PTSD's 5 most prominent features are:
- emotional flashbacks
- toxic shame
- self-abandonment
- social anxiety, and
- strong inner critic

I'm quite sure I have all of those going on so...I guess I'll be around here more often :-) 

33yo
male
childhood: decent amount of misattunement, enmeshment, criticism
realizing i need to dump my current therapist and find someone more solid and experienced in this stuff

i'm dead tired but realized i needed to create an account and get on here...