Messages

 Goblinchild, I can really identify with how this feels. You are not alone.
My M never expressed feelings of love nor ever stated it. I was told so frequently that she hated me and wished I'd never been born, that I actually think I became desensitised to the language. The facial expressions and threatening body language is what I remember more vividly. No child deserves to be told they're hated, feeling like you do is a tragic consequence of grossly inadequate parenting.
Words cannot express the anger I felt towards the very people who where supposed to be my primary carers. Sometimes I would wonder why they did this to me, but now, I don't know or care any more. I have been able to move on by being surrounded by truly wonderful friends and family, who've expressed a warmth I could not have imagined for so long.
Letting go of some of the past is possible, with the support of good people that you learn to trust.
There is a better future, you just need someone to illuminate the way.

Hi Just saw this post and had to respond.
When I was in my formative years the clothes and shoes I had were all hand me downs or from charity shops and jumble sales.
Very rarely new. Most were fit for rags, with holes and stains.
One Christmas at my extended families house, when we arrived there were three brand new bikes outside and at the back an old battered one with flat tyres and blown inner tubes. This one of course was mine, I loved it anyway.
It took my F three long years to actually bother to fix it, having been shamed into it by people watching me ride it as it was.
If he came home and caught me on it he would go into one, I didn't understand why at the time.
I now have little time for materialism but do understand that sometimes being valued as a human being can be shown through gifts and everyday items such as clothes and trainers, they can make you feel good about yourself.
Which is something many of us here struggle with.
So if this does bring some happiness then go get it.

 My question is. Does anyone else suffer with instant, barely controllable rage through sounds people make.
My abuser would make a sound of exasperation, before once again destroying any sense of self worth,
I might have allowed myself to have. Then becoming hypercritical as to why I needed to be brought down.
Whenever someone, particularly female does it, I have to keep a lid on it.
I bite my knuckles hard to relieve the anger.
This is exhausting when it happens and people look at me strangely, like some kind of lunatic.
It can and has lead to ef that has lasted days.
I desperately want to control this but am finding it really hard to do.
Chopping wood and hard exercise alleviates some of the rage.
But it's still there.
This was an abuser who took delight in wounding me emotionally whenever the opportunity arose, even though she's been dead for
30 years she still torments me daily.
Mothers are not supposed to do this, she didn't do it to my three older half siblings, so I clearly deserved special treatment.
Whenever I am asked about her, which isn't often, the only word I feel able to use is, despise.
I cannot resolve issues through forgiveness as I will never forget or forgive.
She would be completely unworthy, as she would say I deserved it, or deny it ever happened.
Please forgive my rant but I just needed to get this out there.
Thanks guys

The 10th October 2017 is World Mental Health Day in the UK
This is a good opportunity to get the word out there.
I will be brining this up tomorrow with a view to the way mental health issues are dealt with in the workplace.
The UK still has a very long way to go, to get rid of the stigma associated with people who are different.
Some of my colleagues are maligned for being different and can be treated quite badly by others.
I treat them with respect and courtesy, the difference in their approach to me is obvious.
If I can make a difference for just one individual, then it's worth it.
We can make the world a better place through unity and education.
Thanks for being there.

Is what I felt so many years ago and still feel from time to time dissociation?
I can only describe as, feeling like a passenger in my own body, somehow functioning on auto pilot.
Time goes missing and the world looks hazy, fog like, dulled senses.
Having started therapy only recently I am beginning to understand that CPTSD has been a huge part of my life for so long  (50+ years)
These feelings and fears now have names to fit their descriptions, though not always identical. This helps me understand who I am a bit more.
Thanks for listening.

I could see it coming but couldn't control it.
The hypersensitivity became intense today, so much so, panic almost set in.
Never had this feeling before, only started counselling last week, many new emotions and feelings that are so alien.
During counselling I felt as if I was in a ball, with no sense of gravity just floating pointlessly and numb so very numb.
The flashbacks can be quite intense. Trying to make sense or order is impossible. I have acknowledged to myself there is a problem. Why do I need to have permission to feel this way? The insecurities that are a huge part of my life have denied me this for so long as they have any sense of justice.
I sometimes think it was all nothing, but it was something, something bad, that happened to me. Why am I making such a fuss over this, is what I keep telling myself.
But it happened and I can no longer do this on my own. The coping strategies are failing, barriers coming down. These new sensations are terrifying.
I will not let the past defeat me, self confidence is replaced by belligerence . I will get through this, my family and friends do not deserve this. If this is just the start of a long road so be it. But I now know I'm not alone.
Thanks for listening.