Messages

Thank you for your kind thoughts and support.

I feel like saying that instinct injury is also part of being naive and kind-hearted.  I know that many of our instincts were shut off by mean spirited parents and others. But, ultimately for many of us, we are kind-hearted and this is a gift not a disability.

Learning to realize that others don't share our kind perspectives and that saying no to those and those things that trigger us is a skill.  We can repeat our kindness repeatedly and shut out those that want to harm us with their sabotage as often as we want to, too. Pearls to pearls, swine to swine. Your kindness to me is mine and my kindness to you is yours. Kind people are pearls.

There might be trigger inducing comments here.

I'm glad that I found you. I have been in OOTF and Shrink4Men for about 5 years now. I've kinda grown up there but I didn't know that the OOTF site had a PTSD forum. I discovered that I had PTSD after an abusive relationship with a woman with a history of victims in her life. I was just the next one in line. She told me that she was a victim of a series of perpetrators but as the relationship went into a few years I began to discover a pattern of her behaviors that were becoming more increasingly toxic. Her projections and false allegations began to be more severe and then I began meeting friends and family members of her previous victims (whom she had convinced me had harmed her).  As the relationship progressed the toxicity of her behaviors upon me and those around me that I loved and respected increased and I realized that I was in a cycle with her that others had been in before me. Friends, neighbors, professionals, and family members of her previous relationships/victims and her own family members came to warn me. I was so deep in the fog that I went in and out of denial about who and what I was involved with. I knew a little about narcissism and borderline personality disorders but being in with a really toxic human being was something that I had no skills to cope with.

As my resistance and understanding increased the behaviors, isolation, projections and false allegations to keep me off balance increased. There was destruction of property, theft, personality disorder sabotage of interpersonal and professional relationships, anonymous email messages with false allegations to people I respected and cared about and many other weird behaviors.  Finally I told her that I was leaving the relationship. That is when she hurt herself and called the police to make a false allegation. I went to jail for the night and lost my job. The only thing that saved me was that she had done this before several times in the community and the Courts were aware of her previous victims. I was new to the community but was brought up to speed by her family and previous victims over a period of about three years before she called the police on me. However, being branding as a violent person and the loss of my job after more than two decades caused me to experience a sense of severe loss of identity and status in the community. It was a real mind rape and hence severe trauma. Most people still think that I made a mistake and lost my temper. The truth is that I didn't ever raise my voice or call her a bad name. I really felt like I loved her. But, she said what I wanted to hear and her charisma was very attractive to me.

So, she continued to badger me and abuse me as I tried to sort out the experience and find meaning and vocabulary for her common personality disordered person's behaviors after we separated and divorced.  It took me 5 years to shut down her ability to hoover or abuse me. Now I'm in a good position to continue no contact with her and she can't coerce or induce me to either.

Understanding doesn't really calm my nightmares, resentments, and the audacity of the reality that justice doesn't come to hold the bearer of false witness and the persons engaged in these behaviors accountable. They often move on with absolute impunity and often after financial and other enrichments. We bear the karma of their actions. The male victim is often seen as a stupid person that should have known better; especially in a community where everyone else already knew who and what this woman had done several times before. This humiliation doesn't calm the PTSD either.

My resentments, anger, fear, anxiety, triggers, and all of these things have really been stressful and as the years have progressed I am feeling better and have created a really good new life now. There is still a lot of collateral damage because my family and two daughters were victimized by her too. So, for me recovery is also repairing my most sacred relationships and professional identity after the storm.

I hope that I can find a way to look more often to the loving parts of my life and relationships and the brighter side of my path with each of you for a while.