It started in the first grade. I was an only child, and had no siblings to relate with - maybe that's why when I got to school I didn't know how to socialize with the other kids. My parents were busy blue collar workers just working all hours to make ends meet, they didn't really know how to teach me to make friends either. I don't really remember what started it, but somehow one of my classmates started mocking me, saying that I thought I could fly.
It never let up. Throughout elementary and most of middle school, I was completely alone. In the summer between 5-6 grade, I did make friends with a classmate - but on the first day of middle school, when I went to join up with her at the door, she completely ignored me. Later that night, she called me on the phone and said that she still wanted to be friends, but that the "cool" crowd didn't like me and so could we just be weekend friends? I wanted to say no... but she was the only friend I had. Later that year, she would hurt me again when she went along with the cool group in pretending to welcome me into the fold, only to have me plan a huge birthday bash - and have no one show up. On purpose. They all knew they weren't going to come, they purposely helped me plan and get excited for it just to see me become disappointed when no one came. The next day, someone said "Come on, did you really believe we were your friends? I can't believe you actually thought we would come". My mom ended up throwing out half the sheet cake we bought to feed 30+ people. I got my first boyfriend that year too - again, part of that crowd. Same idea though - he was put up to it by the others to see if I would actually fall for it. He never actually liked me, or cared about me. I often wonder now that we are adults if any of them feel remorse or guilt for what they did to me.
I've been attacked and rushed by mobs on the school yard. I've been spat at, clawed at and had gum/whiteout/glue in my hair.
In high school, I made the mistake of reporting the harassment to the office. My parents called the authorities, after I was locked in an empty wing of the school for an entire afternoon unable to get out. The outcome? "clearly she brought this on herself" the principal said. "she'll be losing her exam exemption because she missed an afternoon of class" said another teacher. The police officers said that it was the other kids word against mine, and they told the officers that I must have accidentally let the door shut behind me, locking myself in. What should have been at least a suspension, resulted in nothing - because the primary student who locked the door in the first place was the star of the theatre department, and he was the lead role in the play that was happening at that time.
My parents told me that when I had problems, go to the teachers. But the teachers told me I had to deal with it on my own - they just never told me how. I learned that adults don't give a crap, and when they do - popularity will always win out, not justice.
As an adult, I thought my peer problems would go away. They did, for a few years. Then, I landed my dream job - and I was travelling on a tour bus with 2 other representatives for a 6 month contract. The other 2 didn't get me, I couldn't figure out how to relate socially, and although I loved what I was doing, we never jived. I was publicly fired for not being "enthusiastic enough" - and in the aftermath, discovered that the two other girls knew about it all along and actually advocated for me to be let go. (It wasn't the primary reason, that was more the CEO's granddaughter being promised a position on the tour).
AFter that I went to work running a fitness studio for someone who was on maternity leave. The year that I was in charge was amazing, I had so much fun and I loved it. I had the perfect mix of alone time and social time. Then the owner came back, and she didn't like how I had organized things, but instead of talking to me and meeting with me to sort things out, she just started leaving passive aggressive notes and avoiding me. I got so sick of it that I walked out after my grandfather died and she harassed me by phone the entire time I was at the funeral.
I haven't worked full-time for another employer in over 5 years now. I've had to work for myself, because I can't deal with having someone in authority over me - I go into massive panic attacks any time someone says "we need to talk" and then puts it off. I have had managers do that, say "we need to meet and chat soon" but then put it off for hours, or even days without so much of a hint of what's on the agenda. I get paranoid when I'm in groups of people and it seems like they actually like me - I start wondering what they're planning and plotting to humiliate me. I am never the center of attention - the very few friends that I have are always my "shield" when I do things - I have realized that my few friends are definitely more extroverted than me, because I need them to take the spotlight off me in social settings.
I am in my early 30s and have very few friends. I have one best friend who has been with me since 7th grade, and hasn't ever bowed to the peer pressure of others. She's awesome, but clearly doing better in life than me - she has a husband and 2 adorable little girls, and a house and a career. She lives 5 hours away from me too, so we don't see each other enough. That's pretty much it friend wise though, I don't have anyone that I hang out with. I have a guy friend that I have known for 10 years, but .. that's just a complicated mess of a story that involves more than friendship, another girl who had his kid and is now his wife... and the odd period of time (like right now) when he just goes silent and doesn't reply to me at all. We live in the same town now too, so we can't be seen hanging out because his wife will lose her mind - so much for a social life.
I recently tried to join the roller derby league here. The ladies were awesome, but despite how welcoming they were I can't get my mind to accept it. Firstly, I really suck at roller skating - and I felt like everyone was staring at me and that I was the worst skater out there (I wasn't, I know that..) Second, I got so overwhelmed with trying to stay upright, and do the tasks/exercises they were teaching on the intro night, that I went into full panic mode and had to sit down and take off my skates. I haven't been back, not because I don't want to, but because it's too mentally exhausting trying to stay upright on skates, and maintain a social level of awareness, and try to quiet my inner voice.
Anyway, I just realized this is long and rambly, but maybe this is what this forum is for. A place where I can just type out what I'm thinking and know that if anyone reads it they probably understand that it's just my mind trying to dump whatever is in it out so that maybe I can actually get some sleep tonight.
It never let up. Throughout elementary and most of middle school, I was completely alone. In the summer between 5-6 grade, I did make friends with a classmate - but on the first day of middle school, when I went to join up with her at the door, she completely ignored me. Later that night, she called me on the phone and said that she still wanted to be friends, but that the "cool" crowd didn't like me and so could we just be weekend friends? I wanted to say no... but she was the only friend I had. Later that year, she would hurt me again when she went along with the cool group in pretending to welcome me into the fold, only to have me plan a huge birthday bash - and have no one show up. On purpose. They all knew they weren't going to come, they purposely helped me plan and get excited for it just to see me become disappointed when no one came. The next day, someone said "Come on, did you really believe we were your friends? I can't believe you actually thought we would come". My mom ended up throwing out half the sheet cake we bought to feed 30+ people. I got my first boyfriend that year too - again, part of that crowd. Same idea though - he was put up to it by the others to see if I would actually fall for it. He never actually liked me, or cared about me. I often wonder now that we are adults if any of them feel remorse or guilt for what they did to me.
I've been attacked and rushed by mobs on the school yard. I've been spat at, clawed at and had gum/whiteout/glue in my hair.
In high school, I made the mistake of reporting the harassment to the office. My parents called the authorities, after I was locked in an empty wing of the school for an entire afternoon unable to get out. The outcome? "clearly she brought this on herself" the principal said. "she'll be losing her exam exemption because she missed an afternoon of class" said another teacher. The police officers said that it was the other kids word against mine, and they told the officers that I must have accidentally let the door shut behind me, locking myself in. What should have been at least a suspension, resulted in nothing - because the primary student who locked the door in the first place was the star of the theatre department, and he was the lead role in the play that was happening at that time.
My parents told me that when I had problems, go to the teachers. But the teachers told me I had to deal with it on my own - they just never told me how. I learned that adults don't give a crap, and when they do - popularity will always win out, not justice.
As an adult, I thought my peer problems would go away. They did, for a few years. Then, I landed my dream job - and I was travelling on a tour bus with 2 other representatives for a 6 month contract. The other 2 didn't get me, I couldn't figure out how to relate socially, and although I loved what I was doing, we never jived. I was publicly fired for not being "enthusiastic enough" - and in the aftermath, discovered that the two other girls knew about it all along and actually advocated for me to be let go. (It wasn't the primary reason, that was more the CEO's granddaughter being promised a position on the tour).
AFter that I went to work running a fitness studio for someone who was on maternity leave. The year that I was in charge was amazing, I had so much fun and I loved it. I had the perfect mix of alone time and social time. Then the owner came back, and she didn't like how I had organized things, but instead of talking to me and meeting with me to sort things out, she just started leaving passive aggressive notes and avoiding me. I got so sick of it that I walked out after my grandfather died and she harassed me by phone the entire time I was at the funeral.
I haven't worked full-time for another employer in over 5 years now. I've had to work for myself, because I can't deal with having someone in authority over me - I go into massive panic attacks any time someone says "we need to talk" and then puts it off. I have had managers do that, say "we need to meet and chat soon" but then put it off for hours, or even days without so much of a hint of what's on the agenda. I get paranoid when I'm in groups of people and it seems like they actually like me - I start wondering what they're planning and plotting to humiliate me. I am never the center of attention - the very few friends that I have are always my "shield" when I do things - I have realized that my few friends are definitely more extroverted than me, because I need them to take the spotlight off me in social settings.
I am in my early 30s and have very few friends. I have one best friend who has been with me since 7th grade, and hasn't ever bowed to the peer pressure of others. She's awesome, but clearly doing better in life than me - she has a husband and 2 adorable little girls, and a house and a career. She lives 5 hours away from me too, so we don't see each other enough. That's pretty much it friend wise though, I don't have anyone that I hang out with. I have a guy friend that I have known for 10 years, but .. that's just a complicated mess of a story that involves more than friendship, another girl who had his kid and is now his wife... and the odd period of time (like right now) when he just goes silent and doesn't reply to me at all. We live in the same town now too, so we can't be seen hanging out because his wife will lose her mind - so much for a social life.
I recently tried to join the roller derby league here. The ladies were awesome, but despite how welcoming they were I can't get my mind to accept it. Firstly, I really suck at roller skating - and I felt like everyone was staring at me and that I was the worst skater out there (I wasn't, I know that..) Second, I got so overwhelmed with trying to stay upright, and do the tasks/exercises they were teaching on the intro night, that I went into full panic mode and had to sit down and take off my skates. I haven't been back, not because I don't want to, but because it's too mentally exhausting trying to stay upright on skates, and maintain a social level of awareness, and try to quiet my inner voice.
Anyway, I just realized this is long and rambly, but maybe this is what this forum is for. A place where I can just type out what I'm thinking and know that if anyone reads it they probably understand that it's just my mind trying to dump whatever is in it out so that maybe I can actually get some sleep tonight.
