Messages

Hi again,

The idea of group therapy makes me shudder but also sounded funny.

Was it a roomful of people all trying to sit facing the door?

Like musical chairs for the traumatised?

It sounds so threatening I can't imagine trying it, ever.

I laughed myself into tears at this! I worried afterwards that maybe I'd ruined it for myself by being so anxious about it beforehand. But seriously, talking about my trauma can be traumatizing for me. Plain and simple. And that just wasn't the environment for me to be so vulnerable in.

I believe strongly that healing is possible. I'm also pretty sure I'll never be a person who will be able to even be in the same house that a horror movie is being watched without being triggered. I'm fine with that. It's really the social aspect that concerns me and effects me most. Holding a typical job has proven to be impossible. I know that I could easily bring in a steady income with my art and photography, as I did in the past. But I'm so...stuck? Somehow I have lost the ability to...I can't think of the word...like, prioritize or even create a schedule for myself. STICK to that schedule. It's hard to stick to a schedule sometimes when you're being ruled by emotions. Frustrating. I want more and I'd like someone to send the map there, and pronto!

I appreciate the warm welcome. I actually had a good day today when I went out into the world. I had a conversation with a woman who revealed to me that she struggles with CPTSD as well, and it prompted me to come back. It was an encouraging conversation. Doing the work on this exhausts me on a level that's just, stupid. It helps me to read about it and learn about. And I think meeting more people like me will help too. But I can only take in so much at once, and then it's like someone gave me a tranquilizer.  It's exhausting feeling everything so deeply.

Just a quick hello and intro to get involved.

I've found myself at 40, and still struggling to overcome my childhood trauma and then domestic abuse from most relationships that I've been involved in. I have been involved in therapy on and off my entire life. Failed many different medications. I have only really connected with one therapist in adulthood, but after 5 years with her, she let me go because she said she hadn't been able to document any progress with me for over a year. I was honestly very hurt by it. For the next 6 years, I have probably tried a therapist a year? I'm convinced that there is NOT some magic number of times that I'm going to speak my truth and not be left raw and shredded for at LEAST the day...if not a few days, depending on triggers. And that seems to be the common theme with therapists in my area. They think I need to say it all out loud until it doesn't shatter me. That approach hasn't worked in all these years. Maybe it's time to try something new? I tried group therapy last. I excused myself to the restroom 20 minutes in and left. I just couldn't handle it. What I think that I would really like is more of a life coach, that comes in and helps me more hands on with life so they can teach me to manage my triggers until hopefully they aren't triggers anymore. I seem to no longer be able to even time manage myself, prioritize, schedule...I lose nearly entire days, hiding out in my mind and art. Numbing out, in my little hermit life. I know that I am a very intelligent and talented woman and I have so many plans and ideas for my life. But I am becoming more and more recluse, and I don't want to be. I have dreams of traveling and even now have an RV that my husband wants to help me renovate and make my dreams come true. But I can't even get started on it because I would have to leave my house to work on it, being parked away from our home. My children have started leaving the nest and everyone around me, even my kids, are encouraging me to start making my life more about me. And I want that so badly myself. But it's like I'm paralyzed with fear of being triggered.

The last 2 therapists that evaluated me mentioned CPTSD when I mentioned a few different psychiatrists said that I couldn't still be suffering from PTSD after x-amount of years, that I should be considered for different diagnoses. Every therapist that I have seen has always agreed with a PTSD diagnosis. They all also seem to think that I will most likely always struggle with it. My grandfather is nearing the end of his very hard life, having grown up with an even more horrible childhood than mine. He talks obsessively about the things that happened to him, as if he held it in all that he could all these years and now he can't contain it another second. It's heartbreaking. I don't want that for myself. I don't want that for my children. I've made really great progress over the years, no matter how slow. So I know that I can make MORE progress. I just don't think it's within an office space with a stranger.

So, here I am. I do better in written form and online anyway. We won't discuss how long it took me to write this and rewrite it. Control issues. Yes, I do. I can only take in so much information at a time before I become overwhelmed and shut down. I think this is a great way for me to get more information and hopefully ideas and encouragement, at my own pace.