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Stuff like this has happened to me many times, but this is the FIRST time I have correctly identified what was happening as a C-PTSD trigger. That's progress, right?

I left what I thought was a reasonable, balanced book review on a book review web site, and a bunch of people didn't like my review, and started trashing me, calling me names, questioning my ulterior motives, etc.

My knee-jerk reaction when something like this happens is to disintegrate. I realize now that this is because I have C-PTSD and I was raised to where if I disagreed with my parents or did something they didn't like or that made them look bad to someone else, I got punished. And maybe there was other stuff that happened that I don't remember, I don't know. As far as I remember, I've always been like this, utterly terrified of saying something someone disagrees with, terrified of making someone angry, terrified of being attacked. I'm only just now realizing it's NOT because I'm a horrible person, it's because I was emotionally abused as a child and now have C-PTSD as a result. I still can't calm down though  I feel like curling into a ball and crying and wrapping myself in a blanket and never talking to anyone again.

Thank you, C. and Indigochild.

My whole body hurts. It's ridiculous.

I believe my mother is more OCPD than N. Or maybe some type of garden variety crazy that doesn't have a label. She just doesn't perceive things...really important things...but what little she does perceive, she blows over-the-top out of proportion. She is capable of feeling empathy; it just gets misdirected somehow. Inflicted, somehow.

And you're asking if you belong here? Um...yeah. (Hi I know you from the other board). You get hugs today!

Thanks, farfromthetree.

My mother arrived yesterday for an extended visit. She isn't being particularly horrible. No worse than usual, certainly. Maybe even not as bad as usual. But having her in my house AT ALL is giving me headaches, nausea, stomach pain, weakness, and an all-over sensation of fear. She has no idea that I'm coming out of the storm and recognizing her as having been emotionally abusive and neglectful to me all my life. I haven't had these flashback symptoms on her previous visits when I was still in denial about her. I had self-loathing thoughts instead. I guess flashbacks aren't as bad as self-hate, but I don't really know how to deal with it. I would rather not ask her to leave, because that will create drama. I would like to find a way to take care of myself while she's here, and then eventually she will leave on her own and then maybe I won't have to see her for a long time. But I don't know how to go about my normal life when my whole body hurts! And most people think my mother is the nicest, sweetest person on the planet, so it's hard to explain!

I am VERY sleepy lately, and it reminds me of when I was recovering from "regular" PTSD after being raped. I just wanted to sleep ALL THE TIME.

-being cold
-being sleepy
-having dirty hair

Yesterday I was too busy to take a shower, so I got up early (which is making me sleepy) and took one this morning (which is making me cold--my hair takes a long time to dry) but I THINK it is worth it. Having dirty hair is triggering for me because my parents wouldn't let me wash my hair more often than once a week (and my mother still gets on to me that I wash my hair too often).

I hadn't realized the extent to which going out of my way to take a shower can curb the self-loathing thoughts. 

I don't know anything about inner child work. Can you point me towards some resources?

The friends who help me the very most are the ones who love me, but don't get enmeshed in me. They show concern without taking it upon themselves, in other words.

Sometimes I still feel alone, when all of them are busy and I just want someone to talk to me in a comforting voice and tell me I'm not horrible. 

Still grateful for folks who can care just the right amount but not too much.

I'm married. It's not perfect, but I like it better than I liked being single. I have to watch my tendency to put too much pressure on my spouse, as pressure was put on me when I was a child. We've had rough patches. But it's good overall.

I printed out this whole post with all the replies, and reading it really does make me feel better. Thank you everyone. 

This is an incredible post. I am sure I will reread it many times. Will I be able to move my own personal piano out of the hallway?

My parents were intense and overwhelming. "You WILL do things our way." My emotional survival depended on accepting their view whether it was right (as it sometimes was) or not.

And it's true, I fall apart at the slightest criticism, because I have based my self-worth on what other people think of me. And it's true that I think in terms of "should" and "ought to." I LOVE the idea of cleaning my house because it would be pleasant for me to live in a clean house. Also, exercising because it's pleasant to use my muscles, and eating right because it's pleasant to feel good about food. And if I do want to curl up in the fetal position under a blanket with a bowl of ice cream, well, that's fine, too. I'm not responsible for what other people think of that.

I got married largely because I wanted to have sex, and my parents had told me not to have sex outside of marriage. All these years later, I wonder about living alone. But, I do love my husband--a lot--so I think it would be better to think about it like, I work and make a home to please my husband not because my self-worth depends on it, but because I love him and it makes me happy to see him happy. This makes a big difference!

Yes. My mother is crazy and my father was too in denial about his disability to make up for that. They loved me, but they were just not in any position to raise a child. Then again, if I'd been taken away from them, that would have been traumatic too, and the two family members who'd have been most likely to take me were even less capable than they were! 

BeHea1thy, I'm only just now realizing that I can have pursuits of my own. Is there a life where I'm NOT having to dodge sky bricks?

In real life, I'm married, I have two children and several pets, I'm a homeowner with a yard to maintain, etc. I have a good job, but I'm new to the professional world; I married young (largely to get away from my parents) and was dependent on my husband until a few years ago (I just worked part-time when the kids were babies).

I'm currently on this amazing fantasy in my mind where I rent a one-bedroom apartment near my office, furnish it with the bare basic essentials--all purchased new from Wal-Mart, because I'm not responsible for the way Wal-Mart treats its workers or the economy or the environment--and I get to decide exactly what to buy and own and keep and subscribe to and avoid. I can live on homemade chicken-noodle-vegetable soup and fresh fruit mixed with plain yogurt, without worrying that these foods are boring or not spicy enough or too expensive or won't keep; without worrying about whether the current food guru has decided this or that ingredient is "toxic" even though it has never caused problems for me. I can buy the cheapest food that still tastes good and is nourishing, because I don't have to take responsibility for how the animals were treated nor how the farmers used the land. I can answer phone calls and letters, or not. I can spend time with other people, or not. I can volunteer my time or just write a check or not contribute at all--my choice. I can keep the apartment scrupulously clean, with no clutter whatsoever, and throw out anything anyone gives me that I'm not going to use. I can do whatever I want with my paid time off from work.

I'm not saying I want to LIVE this fantasy. For one thing, I love my husband, children, pets, and house. For another thing, I would not have gotten as far as I have in life without my husband's and, yes, my parents' help.

But I have to say the thought of not being responsible for anyone but myself takes my breath away. It's intoxicating to think about putting myself first. I don't think I have ever done this, despite my mother constantly telling me I never think of anyone but myself. I would never commit a crime or hurt anyone, of course. Just being able to live without feeling guilty and overwhelmed all the time about everything would be amazing!

What a lot of pressure.    Pressure from all sides, too - be the perfect nursemaid while also being the perfectly obedient daughter while also pretending to have the normal parental support system while also secretly doing everything for yourself while also helping your parents pretend they weren't nearly as dependent on you as they were... Yeeees, I can see how this might have sapped your energy.    You gave up quite a lot to help them save face, it seems.

YES. THIS. I may print out your post and thumbtack it to my wall, Schrodinger's Cat! This is exactly it.

I could (should?) have asked for help from church and extended family, but I felt I would have to pay them back somehow, and I was already so overwhelmed that I couldn't do it. Besides, my job was making my parents look good, and asking for help would have made them look bad.

Thank you for the warm welcome, both of you. 

I've been thinking a lot about my mother, because she is still alive and she has been freaking out lately and her high level of crazy is seriously messing with my head. It's easy to think my father was the "good" one because I miss him now that he's gone, and I loved him when he was here, and he did sometimes shield me from my mother's insanity, especially when I was little. But I also think my dad had ego issues with how he was perceived. Like, he wanted everyone to think he was smart. He WAS smart, so there's no reason anyone wouldn't think that, but he sometimes made a fool of himself pushing the point. ALSO, he wanted everyone to think he was self-sufficient even though he was disabled. This was NOT true. My mother and I covered for him and made him look healthier than he really was, all the way through the last third of his life or so. So in that sense, I was there to fulfill BOTH parents' needs. And yes, I do believe it was traumatizing.  It's hard to have a support system because nearly everyone in my real life knows my parents and thinks they're amazing and wonderful; many people even think I had a nearly perfect childhood.

But yeah. I have this vivid memory of getting yelled at by an older student for coming in late to a school practice, and stepping out of myself with the realization that even if I tried to explain that it had taken me twenty minutes just to get my parents into the car, no one would believe me. It was like that--all the time. Are we going to run out of food, how am I going to get to school if it's storming outside, I just outgrew my entire wardrobe except for one outfit and the kids are making fun of me for wearing that one outfit every day, I am literally going to have to cut class and take an unexcused absence to take dad to the doctor because the vice principal is not going to believe that we don't have a phone, I had to miss school yesterday because one parent was in the hospital and the other was out of town and now I can't go back because neither of them is here to sign me in.... 

Of course, it was all in the past, and everything is fine now--except I barely have the energy to function each day.

Hi, I was referred here from OOTF, but I don't know if I belong here or not. I was the only child of older parents with health problems--dad's started before I was born, both parents went into decline when I was around 7-8 and got worse from there. My parents demanded perfect conduct from me. They weren't mean if I accidentally spilled or broke something, but I was expected to be 100% polite, obedient, never rocking the boat, no character flaws. Then as I got older and their health problems got worse, I had to take care of them. I had nearly all of the adult responsibility (cooking, laundry, grocery shopping, transportation, occasionally even bill-paying) but they still expected 100% obedience. I was bullied a lot (a LOT) in school, too. I left home at 18 for college and my parents actually got WORSE over the next few years, picking on me for every little thing, discouraging me from working but then criticizing me for not working, etc.

I was raped when I was 20 and I have "regular" PTSD from that, but I've been treated, and it's gotten better. So I know what PTSD is. It's just that lately I'm beginning to feel the same way about my entire life before I left for college. I think about  what it felt like to have to keep track of so much when I was so little, and my body starts to hurt and I can barely get out of bed. I'm happily married now, have two children and the older one is around the age I was when the bricks started falling out of the sky, plus my mother is also freaking out lately about things that may or may not have happened to HER at around that age. (Dad died a few years ago.)

Here are my reasons for not being sure I belong here:

1. My parents were not physically abusive.
2. I love my parents very much.
3. Everyone else who knows my parents also loves them very much.
4. It wasn't my parents' fault they were sick.