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Messages - nojgin

#1
 I did and still do on occasions hate my dad, but also make the most amount of excuses for him and was in complete denial myself until the bubble burst recently and I could remember lots of my childhood very suddenly, ( overnight)
It seemed everyone else thought our family was solid and we were made to feel somewhat special.
#2
Personality Disorder (Perpetrator) / Re: What about mum?
December 10, 2017, 06:27:36 PM
Not sure if anyone has any experience with covert narc parent? I wondered if there might be some insights about what I posted above from those of you that have dealt with the fallout from one of these problem causing people?
#3
Personality Disorder (Perpetrator) / Re: What about mum?
December 09, 2017, 10:35:15 PM
Thank you so much. Incredible to hear from someone that has been up close and personal for many years. I feel for you. I can relate in some ways, as it was strange how I could hate my dad, but make the most amount of excuses for him and was in complete denial myself until the bubble burst and I could remember lots of my childhood very suddenly, ( overnight)
It seemed everyone else thought our family was solid and we were made to feel somewhat special.
My dad is a covert version narc and particularly sneaky. Would love to hear from anyone who might have had one of these?
My memories from 10, 11 years old is having these continual mind altering arguments. He would not listen to anything I had to say and I was made to feel that my opinion was just plain wrong. I felt like the adult and I tried to use logic to explain why I didn't understand, but it was always rebuffed with these techniques;

Insulting me and shouting close range ( what do you know your only a child, you really are backward in your thinking, you really do get things wrong )
Or
Making me feel I have done something terrible ( you are a disgrace, you have no respect, I find you disgusting, I can't even look at you)
Or
Removed himself ( he had a special room he would sulk off to. I would be left sitting there wondering what on earth?)
Or
Using my mum and then abuse her infront of me ( are you going to stand for this? Is this how you are bringing him up? - my mum would speak to me after attacks crying telling me I was killing our family! )

The overriding memory was one of why don't any problems, or arguements ever get resolved. They were just not discussed and I would find it unnerving that my Dad would just act like nothing happened. I knew it was wrong.

If anyone has had similiar experiences I would be glad to hear your story. I now know I have CPTSD as I have many of the symptoms - it's a relief in some ways, as I had convinced myself I was not a great person after different addictions, failing schools, memory problems, and having a consistent urge to hide whenever life throws up problems/stress.

Thanks for reading, I am really finding it very helpful to write it out. These forums are a really good way of expressing yourself, as apart from a therapist I don't really have anyone else to talk to about this stuff.

Thanks again


#4
Personality Disorder (Perpetrator) / Re: What about mum?
December 09, 2017, 08:48:34 PM
Thanks all
Yes I am definitely aware that I need to help me first and foremost, but can't help but wonder about Mum.
What sort of relationships do Narc Fathers have with spouses? I thought they like to move from relationship to relationship. My parents have been married for nearly 40 years. I think if I can gain some insights this will help me in some ways move on.
Any thoughts or perspectives?
Mum seems to complain constantly about her health, pain in the body that moves about. She's had body scans galor. Nothing ever found. Is this a cry for help, narc activity or something else? Any insights welcome.
Cheers

#5
Personality Disorder (Perpetrator) / What about mum?
December 09, 2017, 07:03:13 PM
My father is a narc.
Emotionally abusive to me from quite an early age. Sent me to boarding school at 12 as he couldn't cope that I had already spotted something was really not right with him and the family dynamics. I get it now, but I'm struggling with mum. She is distant, hypochondriac, and smiles falsely. Her quick cuddle gives me chills. What does this mean?
Is she a narc as well. I remember she did everything my dad wants, isn't allowed to pick up a phone and have her own friends.
However she can be a nightmare and cause all sorts of problems, especially if she feels she is being critised. Anyone venture a guess? I am LC now but wonder if I need to fight the narc Dad for her sanity?!
Cheers
#6
Emotional Abuse / Re: Can this really be true?
December 08, 2017, 08:56:10 AM
Many thanks for the replies
I'll take a look at the links and sounds helpful.
I wonder if anyone has any experience with narc parents that are still very much alive and still causing difficulties? They are a huge trigger I believe. My dad wants to get control in aspects of my life and children's lives. My mum doesn't  bother, can't even buy a Christmas present, but then is really * if she doesn't get enough attention. She is always Ill or talking about illness, it is quite exhausting. Every conversation leads back to her. If one of the children is ill, she will almost instantly turn this around onto her.
It makes me MAD!
Any advice from anyone with experience with this sort of behaviour would be great!

Thanks
#7
Emotional Abuse / Can this really be true?
December 08, 2017, 12:09:40 AM
Hi
I always thought my parents were aliens, but it seems they were something much worse. A pair of narcs. 2 for the price of 1!

Anyway I have been in denial for so long that it all seems very odd, but makes so much sense at the same time. I am now 42!
I woke up, if you can call it that with a full on panic attack in the middle of the night, I thought I was dying. Little did I know that it was my perfebial bubble bursting.

My dad was at the centre of my current problem, having pulled a dirty trick on a grand scale. I kick myself for allowing him access to my life, but he had been so helpful and nice it looked like things were turning a corner. You only have one Dad I thought and it's best to try to make things work, even if things are sometimes difficult. More than difficult.

To give you a little bit of background my Dad had classed me as the difficult child at an early age. By the time I was 11 and found a voice of my own he really didn't like it and he found a school to send me to and left with my mum and sister abroad to work.
I was deeply unhappy, and it would seem traumatised with hindsight. I couldn't concentrate at school, got into all sorts of problems and was abused by some rather unsavoury teachers. ( however I was free from the narcs!)

Anyway I managed to find a path on my own after I grew up a little. I did suffer and still do with certain addictions, but thankfully managed to function reasonably well. I found it hard with relationships, and a continual anxiousness that there is disaster round every corner. I still do, but I now am more aware of it and know it's not a broken/pathetic/weak me causing it. Yes that is how I spoke to myself on a daily basis.

So back to the panic attack. I let my Dad into my good life I have built with loving ( very understanding ) wife and beautiful daughters with an offer of ..... Money. Early inheritance actually it was phrased. He is a wealthy man. I agreed to let him fund part of our extension to our home to be exact.
All great. Happy families...

Well what happened next. The building work starts and then... oh I cannot fund this anymore, as I have issues with my own house. He then bought a jacussi and went to Barbados.

Nice. In the meantime I lose the plot, have continual panic attacks, referred to therapy and then find a lot of childhood memories returning which must have been locked away in denial. I remember my Dad did exactly the same thing with presents, pocket money, trips out with my friends. He loved using money as control. There would be the carrot dangling and then it was gone.

My memories of financial, emotional and physical abuse go back to around 11. It was my mum who was physical and would blame me for her problems with my Dad. It was weird she would console herself with me and then put the boot in. I never knew when the evil side would come out. She loved to pinch and slap. I had no idea what was going on.

Anyway I am now in lots of debt, but at least I'm not indebted to my Dad. I am determined to turn a corner and face issues, now I know that I am recovering from childhood abuse that shaped the problems I experienced growing up and drive the current recurring anxiety, hyper vigilance, social phobia, panic attacks, insomnia, sex/porn addiction, and disassociation. I didn't even know what any of these problems were until my recent colllapse.

I would love to hear from people that have any perspectives on recovery. Whether I need to remember the early abuse ( I'm certain it's there- I have a clue as my mother was allowed to look after our children when they were very young. She left the baby in the house and went out with the toddler! The toddler blew her cover as she knew it was wrong and wanted me to know. When I quizzed her, she simply said I couldn't get her to stop crying and I was late , so left her in the cot. I did it with you all the time..... I think my mouth hung open. Ide really like to hear from anyone with advise on how to deal with the disfunction of narc parents still intent to involve themselves in your life.

Sorry it's a bit of a long post, but it was quite therapeutic writing it actually. Bye for now


#8
Thanks
That's very helpful perspectives.
It certainly doesn't help having the imagination running wild. I've already come up with weird and wonderful things that could have happened to me.

This situation has effected the relationship with my parents, as I'm now not jumping to their wishes and constant need for attention. I see them very differently. I'm angry with them, but it is frustrating not knowing really all the reasons why I'm angry?! They are a huge trigger though and this I find hard. The phone rings and I don't want to answer it. Sad I know...

Can't choose your parents! So I suppose I just try and make the best of the situation.

I do find the whole episode bloody weird
Just need to find me again (or for the first time?) .






#9
Thanks, I have started to see a therapist CBT.
They have said about Eye movement therapy as an option. Not really sure about this. Is there no other ways to unlock repressed memory if that's what this is?
#10
Hi
I have recently found out through a series of panic attacks, breakdown and some therapy sessions that I have all the signs of a trauma victim. Life is starting to look very different some good with more awareness that a self hatred I have lived with since I can remember is lifting somewhat. The negative is what I think may be considered emotional flashbacks and at times chronic anxiety. Sleep is a problem.
The frustrating thing is I can't recall childhood in any coherent way. I have an overwhelming desire to know what is causing this, if anything!?
I have very difficult parents who have to have everything on their terms, so this gives me reason to think they could be part of the problem.
If anyone has any advice on what steps to make to help get myself straight and control these feelings that just seem to take over.
I have had secret addictions as well which also make sense now. I seem to be winning on this front, although the urges to numb are still very much there.
Appreciate any perspectives
#11
Hi
I appreciate your responses.
I will take a look at the resources you suggest.
I'm really finding the whole thing very strange indeed. It's as if my whole life has been lived through a type of denial. Masking the reality, since my mind literally blocked it out. I'm really wondering what else my mind is going to throw up! I have questioned whether it's all true!? Does anyone know if the mind can be prone to filling in blanks with fantasy as well.?
Appreciate any thoughts
Thanks
#12
Hi
Recently my memories of childhood started returning. I really could only remember only sketchy moments and have never understood why. My memory isn't the best and so I just put it down to having a particularly bad one.
This I'm realising may not be the case, as my mind was doing all it could to stop me remembering trauma. Neglect from very early ages, narcissistic parents who I think made me feel not very good about myself and sexual abuse at school that I never told anyone about. (Boarding school)
I now have gone through feelings of elation, relief, sadness, anger ( my current state). I know I need to find a way to be myself now and to enjoy my life. Have read a lot over the past few months on cptsd. The most debilitating symptom for me, which I have had for as long as I can remember is waking up in the morning with racing heart, trembling sensation and feeling of dread. Any slight stresses of the day can quickly become huge problems for me. It takes so much energy to try and rationalise.
I have a loving wife, two beautiful children, and quite a senior job that I enjoy.
I should be totally happy and on occasions I am. It's just the symptoms are very hard to ignore! I have had a series of therapy sessions after my memories returned, as I was a complete mess. I have told my wife everything. I don't want to burden her, as she also has suffered with her own anxiety issues. Some of which were caused by my parents who targeted her and "gaslighted" her as I now understand. Can anyone give me a heads up on what to expect next from cptsd or actions that would helpful? My parents are still very much at large and my wife and I struggle dealing with their behaviour.  Thank you