Messages

PS I'll try to be more succinct in future - that was quite the essay, but it all just kind of gushed out. Thanks for bearing with me

Hi everyone, first let me say thank you so much for being so welcoming and for all of your advice and support already. This experience, as you well know, can feel tremendously isolating, so in a strange way I'm glad there's a community for this - even if it would be ideal if it didn't have to exist at all!

I'm acutely aware that what is going on is largely subconscious and involuntary, which is why things like NLP and EMDR really appeal to me. I've tried quite a few talking therapies and while they've helped to contextualise and intellectualise the issues I'm facing, they haven't yet started to dig at the subconscious roots of the problem. As Moon22 suggested I have in fact tried in the past to speak with them, but it did not end well - she is an incredibly unempathetic person, and is, in attachment theory terms, quite far into the Avoidant side of the spectrum. The last words we had was that we would never speak to or acknowledge each other ever again, so any attempt to make contact would be met with extreme hostility. I appreciate the suggestion, though, as in many cases it may well have helped.

I am indeed 'tumbling' as JamesG put it, and one of the biggest struggles is how everything is becoming imbued with characteristics that trigger my flashbacks and attacks. At the start it was direct reminders that got me, but now almost everything with even a tiny tangential connection does it - a person wearing a similar style of jacket as hers, hearing someone with her accent (Irish), going by a yoga studio because she was into yoga - to the point where my entire city (Edinburgh) feels like a danger zone. I do wonder - what do you guys think about moving away? I know that would be a form of avoidance in itself, but I just feel like I don't have the space or security to heal while I'm here. It would be heartbreaking to go and I'm not sure what I'd do to make a living, but at this point it feels like everything else is being damaged by it anyways so why not just jump off the deep end and get out and get space to heal? It's been 4 years and I still get almost nightly dreams that leave me shaken, and I feel like so long as I'm here it will just keep getting worse. Thoughts?

As for the actual feeling I get when something happens, it's like a warm, fuzzy feeling but not a pleasant one, like every cell in my body is going on fight/flight mode. I almost feel like I'm having an out-of-body experience sometimes, and oddly I'm actually drawn towards the source of the trauma - if I see her I feel like a horrible magnet is pulling me towards her, or if I see her bike in town (it's very distinctive) I might pause by it for a moment and almost amplify my own pain, imagining scenarios (ie she's probably having amazing sex with her new partner just 50 feet away from me). In fact, one of the things that plagues me is what I call the 'blinking red dot' - I imagine a map of my town with me as a blinking red dot and her as a second one, and all the ways they could intersect at any moment. Even just knowing that we like within 1 mile of each other makes me sick - I want more than anything for her to just be far, far, far away from me. There's a definite masochistic element to it, even though it's intensely unpleasant and messes me up emotionally for days afterwards. Can anyone relate to that?

Again, I hope this doesn't seem more like a relationship thread than a trauma thread - it's both, really, but of course there is no longer any relationship while my trauma just deepens and becomes more and more a part of me as time goes on. I'm not feeling quite as viscerally traumatised now as I was, say, 2 years ago, but it's almost more pervasive than ever before, seeping into parts of life it never previously touched.

All of your suggestions and support are so appreciated, and again thanks for being so welcoming. I hope I can help some of you in any way I can, too, and I definitely consider this to be an important tool in my fight. All the best.

Hi everyone,

This seems like a really helpful community, and at this point I'm willing to try anything that could help even a bit. So hello, and thanks for any support you can give.

Like most people here, I'm sure, I could fill several novels with the details of my experience, all of which feel relevant. I'll try to boil it down to its most basic elements. I've always had different 'wiring', spending huge amounts of time on my own, being radically sensitive to criticism and conflict, and I have several minor neurological conditions such as Tourette's Syndrome and obsessive tendencies. I struggled with severe depression as a teen, and now anxiety and complex PTSD makes up a big part of my day to day life (I am now 28).

Nearly 4 years ago a relationship which was, in retrospect, deeply unhealthy, ended abruptly. I was entirely dependent on that person for my sense of self-worth, and when I confessed to having mental health difficulties they ended it literally overnight. My current, recurring trauma is that I see this person regularly while in town. I have developed severe hypervigilance and I have minor panic attacks whenever I encounter them or anything closely linked to them (ie a bicycle that's the same type as theirs, any evidence they might spend time near where I live, a television character with the same name as them, etc.). I can't be in a crowd without scanning for them, and when an encounter does happen I'm torn between fiercely wanting to get away but also still longing after this person and what they represented to me at the time. I realise this may sound lightweight - I didn't witness a murder or rape, I have never been to war, etc. - but the symptoms are all there and have been crippling me for years. I have literally spent weeks in bed in severe emotional pain, and I am chronically smoking pot to numb the pain. I regularly spend entire days playing the same video game I've played for a decade as a means of escape. In some areas of life I'm very successful, but in others I'm struggling just to get by.

It's now at the point where I feel I can't live in the city I'm in, which would be terrible because it's my dream place to live and my profession is very much based around this particular city. I have a 'run-in' of some degree every few months, and worst of all I saw her entering a building recently which is where she clearly lives. To be clear, I am not engaging in any stalking or anything like that - my city is just so small that you regularly see people you know. Now, any time I see anything that remotely resembles this person I re-experience the emotions from the breakup, as though it's still fresh (was in September 2013). I feel horrible about this, because I have a very loving and supportive partner, yet this other person is almost a bigger factor in my life. I've tried numerous talking therapies which haven't helped much (intellectualising the problem is important, but it hasn't helped me actually feel better).

I'm now at the point where, even as I type this, I'm experiencing C-PTSD symptoms on a daily basis and it seems inescapable. I'm trapped in a cycle of isolation, rumination, addiction, trauma and avoidance, and I can feel my life passing me by as I remain a hostage to this. If anyone has gone through something similar, I would deeply appreciate knowing how you coped or what you tried that actually made you feel better. I'm shaking as I write this, knowing I'll have to go into the area of town where she lives this later today for work and I'm already playing 'the movie' in my mind of what will happen. I can't fathom how to even begin to break this cycle, it seems such a constant part of me.

Thank you so much for 'listening'.
-David