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Hi Blues_Cruise,

I identify with so much of what you're saying! I really cared about what my extended family would think. Sometimes, with safe family members, I'd give a non-emotional but blunt message (ie, "I know this is hard to hear, but I have PTSD from that person, and they still engage in the same behaviors, skip med doses, etc).

You don't owe them any explanations, though. As I worked through what happened to me, I gradually cared less and less about what my parents were doing and saying. I'm angry and upset, but I'm getting more distance.

One thing I like to do is to list my "safe people," and also imagine all the kind people in the world who do treat others well. Sometimes I purposefully focus on the fact that there are many loving people in the world when I'm ready to find them (ie, "future friends and loved ones"). Some days I'm too anxious or depressed to go out, but gradually I've become much more able to find and identify good people.

Dear Deb,

I struggled with a very similar situation (trying to stop contact with my mother, including unwanted mail).

Your feelings are valid. There was a lot of deep sadness, grief, and fear when I pushed back against my parents. You were right to get legal help, even though it must hurt very deeply.

I wanted to tell you what I tried in case some of it helps you. Feel free to ignore anything that doesn't feel like a good fit. At the time, I was afraid to get legal or police help, so I kept trying to convince my mother to stop. Didn't work. Writing "return to sender" helped with packages and mail; she was so shocked/hurt that she suddenly stopped mailing me. It protects you from any insults or manipulative gifts, too.

A few years later, I contacted my university police department, and spoke with a policeman and a female investigator/detective because of obsessive calls/emails. They said they could call my family on my behalf, and sometimes it makes it worse, sometimes better. They suggested I change my phone number - I found this very helpful, even though it hurt. I asked a good friend to come with me to get a new phone, since I knew it would be hard. You can also create a filter on gmail to make sure their emails get deleted or just go to a special folder so you don't have to see it unexpectedly. I had to "defriend" my parents, sister, and uncle on Facebook too. In my case, these steps helped a lot.

I got a lot of faulty advice about what is possible legally - so just wanted you to know there are a few things you can try. You can file for a protective order (I think usually for protecting physical safety), but there is also something called a no-contact order, which can be used if you're getting harassed (repeated unwanted calls, emails, and/or mail).

I hope you are able to find some ways to take care of yourself. Things like hot baths don't solve things, but little acts of self-care eventually started to make a dent in feelings like sadness and shame. Feel free to write if you need anything.