Messages

... somehow I feel like it doesn't count as abuse because I performed sexual acts back to him...like I was 10 so would I have known what I was doing?

I am so sorry to hear about the situation and that you suddenly remember this. It's a heavy one to work through so I hope you're being patient and compassionate with yourself. It's this exact situation with CSA that I've been working through in therapy for years. It's the root of the "toxic shame" that defines my C-PTSD. My therapist has been instrumental in helping me think clearly about it -- would you objectively blame a 10 year old child for this? No. (Well, I wouldn't.) Children are not adults, they are curious, resilient, trusting of adults without question, and they don't deserve judgment. The adult who would make a child do something like that is the only guilty party here.

Anyway, I wish you all the best in working through this.

Thank you Libby12 for your kind comment! I haven't met a ton of people with emet so it's somewhat validating to hear you can relate. I mean, it's not a great thing to relate to but y'know.

I really, really want to get to a point of acceptance about my FOO and going NC. I'm not there yet. I still feel incredibly guilty.

Thanks for the nice welcome.

Hi nova.

I'm still fairly new here as well,  but I just wanted to say hello. I think you will find a lot of advice and support here.  I certainly have.

Although the nature of our abuse is different (mine was physical and emotional from a narcissistic mother), I can relate to your situation.   A lifetime of anxiety,  insomnia,  fatigue and pain.  I too suffer from emetophobia, and this has really restricted my life.  I was never diagnosed with endometriosis,  but used to suffer from what felt like period pain for most of the time.  I don't know if there was an actual physical cause or whether my emotional pain expressed itself in this way, along with a lot of other bodily pain.  Have you read "The body keeps the score".?  Very helpful.

I went NC with my foo five years ago, and it was then that I really suffered.  It seems that we reach a real low,  accept it and then start to heal. It sounds like that is where you are now,  maybe. I would never have started to heal if I had stayed in contact with my family.

I am so pleased to hear that you have a good marriage and a supportive wife.  I think having one person on your side makes such a huge difference.

I don't have a lot of advice to offer but just wanted to say welcome. I hope that reading and posting here gives you some support and new insights.   Holding down a job whilst feeling so anxious must be so hard.  Have you tried medication as a short term aid? I think it can help.

All the best to you and I really hope you can get to grips with this awful anxiety.

Libby

Thank you, it's much appreciated!!

Hello and welcome, Nova! I'm glad you're here.

I'm so sorry to hear you're having such bad anxiety. 

Many health care professionals - doctors, psychiatrists, therapists - make no distinction between PTSD and CPTSD. Here's a link to some printable info you may find helpful - http://www.outofthestorm.website/downloads/

Thanks for joining!

Hi - I'm really glad that I found this forum and I'm so grateful to the people who set it up. What brought me here is that I'm suddenly struggling harder than I ever have been in my life and I think I need to broaden my support network.

I'm a 39 yo woman, married (to another woman), I have a full-time career and no kids. I'm a survivor of CSA/incest that happened regularly for years. The abuser, my father, died when I was 20 and I thought my life would be uphill from there, but it's been more of a roller coaster re: mental health. I have a great therapist who's been wonderful in helping me accept PTSD. She says I have 'extremely high functioning PTSD' fwiw. I have issues with anger that pretty much manifest as depression. In the past few years I've had suicidal thoughts a few times, and I do discuss it with my therapist regularly. Not on medication currently.

I've never been to a support group for CSA/incest survivors, however. I think it would be hard in the town I live in; it's kinda small. So this is my first time reaching out to other people who might have c-ptsd.

Some of the tough things I've been dealing with lately: Chronic anxiety that just keeps getting worse. Dealing with a diagnosed phobia which I'll be careful about here (emetophobia). Depression (lifelong). Insomnia...so much insomnia, but then extreme fatigue during the daytime. Endometriosis, in that I had a hysterectomy last year but I'm still struggling with physical pain. My marriage is good and I have a wonderful partner, and I like her extended family because they're not super close and have good boundaries. But with my family - I've basically estranged myself from all of them, except for a few. I avoid talking to my mother and it's been causing her a lot of distress. When I was growing up she was super attentive and we were very close, but in my 30s I suddenly started to deal with some anger about the sexual abuse I'd experienced - so it's rocky. Anyway, being around her and anyone in my family reminds me of the past so I simply don't talk to them.

The scariest thing is that for the first time ever I think my c-ptsd might be putting my job at risk. I'm so terrified of losing it at work, of losing my job and not having income. I cry at work almost daily these days. My current job is a high visibility, high pressure position, incredibly stressful, and I've been slipping into avoidance behaviors... missing work and then having to catch up frantically. Then this adds to the anxiety like a cycle. I'm also looking for a new job and it would mean more responsibility, so I'm just kind on the edge of an anxiety breakdown every other day.

So that's why I'm here. I'm scared. Looking for advice and support, willing to be supportive in return. I have good days sometimes! Thanks for hearing me out.