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I understand that emotional, physical, and sexual abuse is talked about a lot of the time....yet how many of you have suffered through deprivation? My parents didnt have much when they moved to the US, and my father was struggling too much (I suspect depression) ... so he didnt pick up extra work which my family needed badly. He also took a lot of his disdain out on me (I was the scapegoat child). In combination with the abuse and deprivation...I think it truly messed me up. I remember constantly longing to have more clothes, more things in general. The other kids seemed to be better off and I always felt less than. It was embarrassing to invite friends over as we lived in poverty. I always wanted more clothes....to feel some sort of sense of self esteem. I was never really allowed to branch out and enjoy myself because I never had enough things to support that development. Its SO IMPORTANT to provide enough for your child, I cannot point this out enough. I know that people talk about possessions being unimportant...but those individuals probably didn't feel deprived in childhood. Money is important.....unlike what happy go lucky gurus tend to say. The basic needs have to be met in order for the child to be able to build healthy self esteem. So what I have been missing I have been looking for in my adulthood. I chose to marry a man who can provide a lot. I know its frowned upon in society, but it was extremely attractive to me that my husband could buy me things. It is how I am able to feel happy. Yes, material possessions make me happy....even if its temporary...at least its some sort of happiness! Every time I acquire material possessions, its as if I am giving that inner child what she wanted, what she was deprived of. The inner void and depression remains, but having material things acts as some sort of distraction, a temporary buffer from the pain. I have met one other individual who suffered through a deprived childhood. She still to this day feels contempt for her mother after her mother constantly gave her hand me downs of her older siblings. She is now happily married as well but still holds that resentment towards her mother. It must have been a constant reminder to her that she is less than...to receive things which have already been used. I have once read about an individual who was emotionally ignored in her childhood but who was spoiled with material possessions and money. She said that the money was a huge help to her. It allowed her to coast through her childhood and teen years, functioning as a distraction. I also imagine that money acts as a cushion, as an escape for when family life isn't good enough. Money creates opportunities. I know for sure that other kids probably prefer to be with someone who is financially set as they get to experience the perks as well. No one really wants to hang out with the kid from the poor broken home.

When growing up and being subjected to the dysfunctional environment of my parent's household, the effects of that negativity made me chronically ill. I would get sick with the flu, cold, ear aches, etc....every single month. I would have to be absent from school many days of  the month. The teachers began to suspect that there was physical abuse. Then I began to experience bone pain in various part of the body, extreme lack of appetite. The lack of appetite made me anorexic and I got to the point where I fainted from lack of nutrition. The doctor couldn't find any issues with my health so she suggested that I go to a psychologist. Yes it sucks having trauma...it affects not only emotionally but also physically. I even remember being suicidal in fourth grade. And you know what they say about sickly kids....they oftentimes grow up to be chronically depressed adults. That has been the case for me. I cant shake off the depression and self loathing, life feels so unpleasant, like a dragged out endless struggle. I've come to the point where I accept getting a cancer diagnosis just to get the * of this earth. Even though on the surface everything is ok and I have it easy (my husband doesnt require me to work, he supports me fully, I live comfortably, I get the love and support that I craved as a child, I get material things which I craved and was deprived of as a child) ....yet my inner issues are so damn bad and tiresome. Oh well, cant go back and change anything. Just coping day to day.

I am worried that oftentimes people might see a previously abused individual as a punching bag. I have disclosed some information about abuse in my family to a past friend and she used that information to abuse me stating how "daddy used to abuse you". Just a crazed, malicious narcissist who is still to this day stalking me, trying to ruin my reputation and has even recently directly contacted me on Facebook (after 3 years of no contact). This crazed loon has contacted my husband trying to convince him that im a prostitute and how he should leave me. Outright demanding for him to leave me. Envy is the main reason she is doing all of this, as I have started a new life and changed my circumstances.
So I am now on high alert for narcissists at every turn and am beginning to be worried that my mother in law might be one. My husband had previously disclosed to her that I have been abused by my dad. She has tried to gauge me in conversation about my family but I said nothing. She has also been very focused on my overall appearance and being too curious and probing about a facial birthmark that I have. Its common sense that its impolite to ask too many questions about a defect. The last time I saw her, she motioned to a baby chair that she had, basically hinting that I should have kids. When I turned my back to her and told her to go tell her daughter instead, she commented "When God gives children, he will also give love for the children". Umm... maybe God will also give postpartum depression or even postpartum psychosis. This nut job is trying to run my life now. I feel that she does not have a sense of healthy boundaries and I am going to go no contact. I just get a bad vibe overall, that she is a gossip and an empty headed woman.
My main concern is to protect myself. I am sick of being open and getting hurt for no good reason. I don't owe anyone my attention and I am not going to hand them their narcissistic supply. Which is exactly what I think they see me as. An injured, unfortunate woman who is an easy target. I know that narcissists are drawn to emotionally weak individuals and my past might signal to her that I am a prime target. Not sure how she will deal with me fully avoiding her. I guess time will tell.
Anyone have experience with such individuals? How do people normally react if they find out about your past?

Thanks for the warm welcome! ThreeRoses, why do you think your trauma intensified over time? What exactly causes the mind to spiral downward instead of heal by itself when the environment has been changed? Is it all the learned unhealthy processes that tend to follow us? And why exactly does the trauma get worse even if the original triggers are gone?

I am worried that female dentists are not strong enough to pull out wisdom teeth. I also have known female doctors who weren't gentle or kind...so I think there is no specific gender preference for me. I will implement breathing strategies the next time I go in for a root canal. I hate the closeness of it. I hate people being in my face or touching me. The same issue occurs when I have to get a haircut. I tend to delay going to a hair salon because its incredibly uncomfortable having strangers touch my hair.

How many of you have a childlike alter that often wants to come out and play? Ive noticed that I have a childlike, extremely silly side to me. This silly side does not seem to dissipate or lessen with age. Its also a side that I keep hidden and the only people that know of it are my husband and my parents. I have been criticized as being weird by a past friend when she saw that silly side come out, therefore I dont care to show it to any other friends. Unless I make similar silly friends, but everyone starts acting like such adults by the age of 30.
It was difficult to open up to my husband to the point where this silly persona could come out and play. He was a bit surprised and didnt know how to react when I behaved in my quirky ways. I am very composed and quiet in public, I guess you could say I behave in a mature manner in public. The thing is, its impossible for me to suppress the immaturity for long. I would never behave in such a manner outside of the home, but its important for me to allow myself to let loose and be myself in privacy.
I think I might have developed this behavior in order to deal with a dysfunctional childhood. Ive heard about the concept of the inner child, but not sure as to why my inner child wants to come out in such a way...is it a possible strategy of the mind to stabilize anxiety? When I am immersed in this persona, I completely relax and feel happy. Wondering if anyone can relate.

I find myself having a very hard time having to lie back down in the chair and having the dentist touch my mouth. It reminds me of the abuse I have sustained while growing up. I am wondering if any of you experience a similar fear. How do you cope with going to the dentist?
I guess for me it must be some sort of trigger but its so uncomfortable to explain. The last time I went, I dissociated completely and the dentist noticed my odd behavior. It was a complete feeling of suspension of time. I dont think I have ever dissociated so badly before. I just feel a lot of shame and am anxious about going back. I don't know if dentists are trained to deal with people who have been abused. I am worried if he will ask me any questions about how I was feeling when I come in for my next visit.
When I got a follow up call from him after my last wisdom tooth removal, he seemed a bit anxious and stuttered when he asked how I have been doing and how I was feeling. I was surprised that he called since its usually the other staff who follow up with a phone call. I don't want to be seen as a special case and am too ashamed to explain the reason why I behaved in such a manner.

I understand how you feel. I have been married for two years and am already going no contact and distancing from my mother in law. I can tell that shes a gossip and a liar as well as someone who is too eager to meddle in my marriage. In order to protect my emotional well being it is important to distance from such people.
As for getting a diagnosis, I have been in therapy for about two years prior to getting married and the therapist felt sure that what I was struggling with was CPTSD.

I am wondering if it is normal to experience an increase in CPTSD symptoms after marriage? I know that marriage itself is a stressful event, particularly if it involves moving across the country and starting a new life. Is it normal to be triggered by positive events in life? I have read a book about another sufferer who began having intense panic attacks after being happily married and financially set. Something that she did not experience prior during her years of extreme trauma and homelessness. Is it common for symptoms of trauma to show up and intensify even if your life has taken a turn for the better?