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I do not have answers, I keep looking for them although I a am more close to just accept that "something was broken within" and won't be fixable cause there is no registry, I have none.

Hello  and welcome to our forum, Santiago.

Even though it all happened before we got our eyes open, we never lose the power to connect to our True Selves.  We get to create our own answers, listening to others who have walked a similar path, taking what feels right for us, finding more information ourselves, trying things out and so on.

Your True Self (or spirit) runs best on feelings.  This feels good, that feels bad.  Many of us were trained to choose this feels bad, must be what I deserve.   We got accustomed to feeling bad in childhood.  That means this feels good means we can expect to be punished in some way.  Without reflection, we may decide it isn't worth it.

For me, this feels good means walk this way.  It's a very recent development and I like it.  In this way we can find out Who We Are and what we enjoy.  Instead of punishment I get reinforcement: Yes, this is good. This is Who I Am.

I'm still working on my response to this feels bad.  Why am I uncomfortable?  What's the right action to take, and does that feel good?  Is it the right action for me, or is it the right action for someone else and I have to go along with it or I'll feel guilty and no one will love me?  Will it hurt me in any way to do what this person wants?  How will I feel about that?  So that's a slower process but I believe I'll get better at it.

My story is long and probably very boring and I didn't reply to tell mine,

You can tell yours, in bits if you like, whenever you're ready.  I'm sure the main turning points are far from boring! 

Hi, thank you for the welcome and for sharing your thoughts, I read them carefully.

And also thanks for inviting me to tell my story, when I am not mixed up like this days I'll try.

Hug for you!

Santiago 

Thanks a lot, it reached me. I realise I need very much one of those.
I send another to you!

But what exactly is "myself" if I had gotten CPTSD in through my childhood, through things that happenned ibn my formative years? My personality is a huge scar. There is no happy and healthy "myself" to get back to, because it never had a chance to develop.

I've been through a lot of therapy and sometimes it helped for a while, sometimes it made me worse (dismissive therapists).

If my life is going to be this continuous struggle that eventually spirals back to pain every time, what kind of quality life is it? Is it even worth it?
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I also, like another reply I read (sory I cannot quote your name, don't know how) registered because your question sounded so familiar with my thoughts and history (therapy). My writing now and here is on the most becasue somehow I have to thank you, I do not have answers, I keep looking for them although I a am more close to just accept that "something was broken within" and won't be fixable cause there is no registry, I have none.

My story is long and probably very boring and I didn't reply to tell mine, I did to thank as I said before because, sometimes if not all of the times, not having a language for some thoughts is very despearing and painfull.

Also, the book "the mind keeps the score" I found it very informative and helpfull, hope you can get to it.

Sory for my lack of grammar or vocabullary, english is not my first language.

Wish you all a not so suffered, overwhelmed day to day