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Allergy to caffeine is almost something I can't deal with right now but I guess I shouldn't rule it out. I am severely sleep deprived. I don't have trouble sleeping per se but as a full-time employee and mother of two I often have a hard time getting to bed at a reasonable hour. So I'm just constantly operating under a massive sleep debt. I honestly can't imagine giving up coffee, although I only have 1-2 cups a day. Sigh. I guess it's something I should look into.



The issue with BPDM has been around for a couple of years actually. I realized that after learning about NPD and other related PDs from breaking off with my abuser, I can't exactly go on continuing to ignore the same type of behavior from other people. I went NC with my FOO just under a year ago and I have been less stressed (believe it or not!) since then. But my brother keeps inventing new online personas to contact me via Facebook, instagram, email, etc to tell me all about how BPDM is "literally dying" and if she dies it will be my fault and how they're talking to lawyers to try and sue me for custody of the kids and how he had to give up his entire life to move back in with our parents and "take care of her". My dad is an extreme enabler, just like I was with my abuser.

I've been working through a lot of anger about it. Lately the anger has been that because they never allowed me to have any degree of autonomy or independence (these were acts of selfishness), I feel like I've wasted most of my life so far trying to adhere to their wishes, or my abuser's wishes, so the whole idea of having my own desires is still foreign and scary to me.

And yes, the deafening silence. One thing I definitely didn't do was build a support group to replace my FOO. I have a couple of friends but they have their own problems and I always feel like a burden to them when I start to talk about my stuff. Basically, I feel like I always have to be something to everybody, like I have a different personality for each person in my life that I need to maintain so they'll still want me around. If I break that shell, I risk losing them, in my own twisted thought process.

I have constant cramps that feel like menstrual cramps, and I'm bloated often. I've wondered the same thing. I went off hormonal birth control a few months back and actually saw a lot of emotional and physical symptoms go away (not recommending, that's just been my experience) but unfortunately with that came a great deal of PMS symptoms I haven't had since I was a teenager. It's so annoying! But yeah, I have a couple of things that seem chronic and unrelated to my actual cycle. (I'm 35, if that helps.)

Hi all. So I left my NPD abuser five years ago. We had been together ten years, married for nine, with two kids who are currently in my full custody. In the years after I left, I was diagnosed with CPTSD by a psychologist whom I saw for about four years (recently stopped because I was doing very well at the time and would like to continue but new health insurance has made it impossible to afford). I remarried a very kind and supportive man who is infinitely patient as I've worked towards recovery. I also got a new job that I love (despite it being very stressful most of the time).

I thought I was doing better, but in recent months I've been noticing some reemerging symptoms that have caused me some concern. I do not trust people as I used to, keeping them at arm's length, and severely limiting my ability to form warm friendships. Everyone is a potential threat to me, so I just don't get too close. I experience terrible bouts of depression. I often have crying fits. I've had five full-on panic attacks since November of last year. I've been sober for 2.5 years but lately have been experiencing cravings for alcohol like I've never had before.

I no longer do any of the things that I used to love doing, except reading - and even then, I have to be careful what I read. Anything that gets too existential or nihilistic can send me spiraling.

Anyway I found this site and decided that maybe it's time to ask for some support. My CPTSD is technically adult-onset but my mother likely has borderline personality disorder and I have only in the last couple of years really begun dealing with the effects of that. I am not in contact with my parents or brother because of it.

I guess it's a weird place to be: I feel like things are going well. I am successful in my job and I'm in a great marriage and my children are healthy, strong, smart, and kind. But I still feel like I will never actually be happy and relaxed; like maybe that is just not in the cards for me, and I just have to accept that.

So yeah, here hoping I can find a little help and offer some in return. I'm glad you guys are here.