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I left.  Just grabbed some clothes and my kids, got in the car....and left.
and I feel better but not like I thought I would.  staying with my son's other grandparents but need to find our own place, obviously.  and it's not thsee sudden, brand new burdens that are getting to me.  It's that I still feel like I always did but on a much lesser scale.  and I never want to see them again but I have to.  and i'm scared.  and i'm angry that i'm scared. 
I just want to be myself again so much!

so what do you guys think?

i love righteous anger.

you guys are my favorite.

not having the best time right now, gonna look around a bit more.  just knowing i "found my tribe" is helpful. 

first of all, kat...dying lol, at that joke.  i love ones like that .

and thank you, all of you...i have no words for how much YOUR words mean to me.  i am excited (i even FEEL excited, its amazing) to read and learn and help if i can.  i'm laughing at myself, trying to come up with sentences that can properly convey how i feel right now.  but i'm gonna guess that you guys probably already know, and let it go.

this is something i've needed for so long.

real quick, before i ramble....that lady is biological and i prefer not give her the honor of being called who and what she was supposed to be.  (i need to work on my bitterness.)  also, i have no problem sharing my back story at all, it would just take so-o-o-o long to type.

so, yay!  this is my happy face...

hey, what's up.....not sure what to say, never was one for first posts on things.  I guess, what would be really awesome is if you guys told me that this is actually happening.  that lady IS that horrible, she really DOES like it when i'm sad or upset or angry.  if i make her angry, she really DOES punish me for it somehow.  she actually has made everyone in my immediate family think i am so crazy and that the terrible tension that permeates this house is MY fault, so now none of them talk to me.  at family functions, i am literally ignored, its like i'm not there...unless i go off somewhere, being of course hurt and mystified by this treatment.  then from where ever i've escaped to, i hear "where's katie?" "where's katie?" and then i sigh and wipe my tears and go back to where everyone else is.  they will just come looking for me if i don't go back.  "oh there she is"...i become furniture again. 

i feel like i can't do anything right.  i feel like i literally can't DO anything.  "you're an unfit mother" "you're useless"  "you can't do anything"  [incerpt  anything bad a person could possibly feel]

i am not an adult.  i am not a person.  i am not really allowed to parent my own children.  i have to do what that lady says literally "or else".  i am always wrong.  she is always right.  blah blah blah...you guys know this whole deal i'm sure.

i've just started to realize that i am NOT in fact crazy.  what occurs around me and to me SOUND insane when i write them down but its still actually happening.  its really happening,  guys.  but it doesn't matter that i realize this.  no one else in my family would believe me, ever.  no one else at all would believe me, ever.

sorry, my thoughts are never very focused but i try.  i am 35 years old.  i have two of the best children there could ever be.  i had to move back in with my parents ten years ago when i was pregnant with my son.  i don't know why, but i thought it would be good.  wouldn't be for long.  i'd save money and move out....okay i'm not doing the back story thing lol, its too much.  lemme try to use short sentences so that i can't ramble.

nevermind, i feel stupid now anyway...i know that i don't have to, but i do.  if someone could just talk to me...about anything really, but this specifically would be nice lol....i know i am not crazy but i still feel like i am.  i know i need to get away from this house but it seems impossible right now...if it were just me, i already gave up, wouldn't be here, etc. melodrama etc....but i have to save my babies.  i refuse to let that lady or my sister get them.

yeah, i'm gonna stop talking now.  advice?  secret coping skills?  a joke that makes me laugh?  hit me back!