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This is a fascinating topic.

A couple of years ago I wondered if I had ADHD and did approach the GP for assistance. I found my school reports, scanned them all in, sent all the information. But, the GP thought it was all down to trauma, all I have regarding PTSD is a confirmation from them that I have 'traits of PTSD'. I was assessed, by telephone, by a psych nurse, who said I ticked some boxes for ADHD and some for autism, but not enough to be referred for assessment in either.

Like others here, when trauma has been your experience from the very beginning of your life, how do you separate that from anything else?

Now, however, my daughter is at university and her GP there suggested she be tested for autism and, apparently she is Level 1 autistic. And I wonder, if that is due to being brought up by me? I was quite surprised, she has always been more socially adept than I have. The reason I looked into it for me was that I struggled to get employment, both she and her father told me, 'tell them what they want to hear' and I thought, 'what the * is that?'.

As for me, I just see myself as neuro-divergent, that makes sense, I really wish I had had more support at school instead of people there telling me to be more like everyone else but the awareness was not there in those days.

Is it trauma? Is it innate? I feel it may have been innate, but I really cannot tell. However, I am somewhat glad that I am not typical.

G

I thought I would check in whilst I drink my tea.

So if you do feel you might be happy to have some contact with the wider family going forward then it may be best to try to leave all baggage out of it and just see what these people are like now.

Thank you, I do try to give everyone a chance, until they show me that I should not. I would say the baggage was more attached to my aunt and uncle, and not my cousins, but there can be transference when people remind you of others, I do have to be aware of that effect.

G

Beautifully expressed,  Gromit. Thank you, you have given me much food for thought in a situation very close to my own circumstances.

I hope you gain clarity.

g

  Hello HannahOne,

I too seemed to find out and connect the dots at about the 40 age. I had already, 'escaped' and tried all kinds of 'help'. I am 53, maybe it was just that the resources were suddenly out there, online, around 10/15 years ago?

I too tried not to recreate my childhood with my family, but it is a struggle to know what is good enough with only a blueprint of what you do not want.

I am glad you are here.

Gromit

Below is what I did write, after some thought, and drafts, and it does not identify anyone:

I appreciate that your experience is very different to mine. My husband did not understand what my family was like until he saw it firsthand.  I have no idea what you have been told, nobody has ever spoken to me about it. But, as you say, life is short, it is too short to be in an abusive relationship which impacts on your health, especially, when you are a parent.

My relationships with my children shines a light on what I experienced. My daughter asks me things, which I remember wondering about when I was a child, but I had nobody to ask. Obviously, only having a parent who I did not want to emulate I had no template to follow, and I have made mistakes, but my children feel safe enough to tell me, and give me the chance to make amends. I have spent a lifetime grieving a mother, I did not have, and a father who was unable to change things, he used to say he had tried everything over the years, nothing worked. He died in 2020, having missed out on so much.

Sorry, your message stirred up so much for me, I needed to say something.

Sharing because it seemed my 'life is short' response might be misconstrued.

I deliberately waited to respond to the email so that I could respond rather than react.

Time and distance helps as does learning from everyone else who shares their experience on here and in other support groups.

G

Hey, I have not been here for a while but, when I return, there it is, a post about the death of an uncle, and that is what happened to remind me of this place.

I received the annual Round Robin letter that my cousins's wife sends out in their cards. My uncle, my mother's brother, died a few weeks ago. Of course, I did not know, so I responded, one of my cousin's nephews had also died, that was in the letter too.

I got an email back, apologies for not keeping me informed about things  and telling me how upset my mother was, maybe this was the time to reach out, life is too short blah blah. Then the information about the funeral which is in January, and local as my uncle still lived in this area (my mother doesn't).

I was pretty upset about the 'life is short' stuff. It brought a lot of things up. I also sent a text to my cousin, offering condolences, and he said he would call.

I did respond to the email from his wife, explaining that life is too short to stay in an abusive relationship, and just said that being a mother myself I grieved what I had never had from my own mother.

When my cousin called, he apologised again. Not sure why, my other cousins never even send cards. For context, my uncle was 92, my mother is 82, I have been estranged since 2007. I last saw this cousin before I had my daughter, who is 20, but we have spoken on the telephone, he lives a long way away. I last saw his sisters before I had children. He seemed sorry that I was left out, seemed to want to make things better? Once his mother had dementia, the only way I ever heard anything was from his wife's Christmas letters.

From him I had the information that my mother was not coming to the funeral, and my sister would be on holiday.

Had a Christmas card from my sister this week, no mention of my uncle, I had not actually heard from her since July. Ah well, I will send her a birthday card next month and say I hope she enjoys her holiday!

Not sure how I feel about meeting cousins again after all these years knowing that they know there is a 'rift' and whatever my mother has told them about that. Not sure I want to suddenly be involved in the family, it is a bit overwhelming. And I feel uncomfortable with him being so nice. My parents always kind of gave the impression that my aunt and uncle were scary, strict.

It hurts to know that nobody cares to tell me about things which are going on. It is upsetting that people think they can tell you what to do without understanding what has happened to you.
G

I am confused.
Our youngest has just started at university. My H behaved quite badly before they went, I felt I could not get past his behaviour, I even have an appointment with a solicitor. But, now I have told him, and he has explained that he 'handled it badly' he does not want a divorce, he feels 'alone'.

All kinds of things came up when we were talking and I feel bad for him, and confused. I need someone to speak to, somebody not involved.

G

I put notes under the front door? Or something, anyway notes and the milkman asked my mother about them and I had to stand there between them. I think the notes were just, 'hello', I do not remember but I remember the shame of being found out and being the centre of attention as if I had done something wrong.

I hadn't thought about that for years.

Gromit

One thing I'm curious about:  How did your kids react to receiving the money?  I know when I was their age and got money from my grandparents at Christmastime, I almost depended on it like income.  They had always done that, though, unlike your situation being out of the blue.  And how much have you shared with your kids about your struggles and recovery?


Just wondering... you're the one who knows your family!
   -Cascade

She does actually send them money at birthdays and Christmas so they are aware. Never before at Easter. They read her notes in the cards, they know who she is from them.
My DD was pleased to have money, sent a thank you note, omitting to mention anything about visiting. My DS is away at Uni. Not sure what he thinks about it all.

G

A

Thanks for hearing me,
   -Cascade

I hear you.

I am angry too, yes, angry for being born to someone who was told not to have any more children. Why did she do that? And now she is trying to buy my children with gifts.
And every little thing is getting to me.

G

It sounds weird to say I am sorry your mother sent money to your children. But it is just the kind of dysregulating trick they love to pull out of the blue. I'd have been angry in your position.

I don't think anything is weird here. Outside in a world with people who are not dysfunctional, it may seem weird, but that is why I bring it here.

Whilst my husband feels sorry for my lonely mother, he thought she had some cheek doing it and says she made it sound as if we kept our children away from her.

Thanks for the suggestions, some house work or gardening might help or my son's weights, or a class. Old fashioned bottle banks used to be great for smashing glass in a good cause.
G

My NM made contact this week, sending money to my kids for Easter, for the first time ever. Kids are 21 and 18 years old.

I knew I was unsettled but didn't know how angry I was until the week wore on and I was feeling it all over as I discovered others peoples mistakes and misunderstandings at work. I didn't shift it until I was able to go to a class and have a day off from my part time office job.

Then I remembered how I was last year, I was scammed when I was at work and, aside from the fear I felt at being so foolish, I had this anger which came out in all the wrong directions, at people parking illegally etc. it felt the same inside.

I feel somewhat ashamed of being angry and frustrated in the wrong direction, although, I find it unbelievable the mistakes which get made out there in the real world. I cannot contact my NM, I have not been in contact with her since 2008. Plus, she would not understand she has so little awareness.

I saw my counsellor after the mail had been opened and told her all about it but the anger, whilst there, had not really taken hold of me at that point.

Has anyone any tips? I cannot always get to a class. Maybe screaming into a pillow but I can't get over myself to do that.
Obviously I feel pleased that I have recognised what is going on in me and anger is better than other things as long as it has a safe outlet.

G

For most of my adult life I believed there was something fundamentally wrong with me. I didn't think like other people, I wasn't able to handle disappointment and failure like other people. I was constantly afraid that those closest to me would eventually abandon me.

Yes, that is what it feels like. Luckily, I found the clues which led me here after 40 years not 60 and without a visit to any kind of hospital.

I also recommend Carolyn Spring and Pete Walker, of course.

G

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Hormone super conference link