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Back from therapy, and have my next appointment scheduled. Had to talk a lot about why I hate my dad and why I don't hate my mom, about why I'm semi-estranged from my younger brother (because he takes after my dad and doesn't know how to make connections with people?!?!!) Admitted to drug use and the mounds of trauma so far. I think this'll be a good therapy fit, but we'll see when we get past the initial getting-to-know-you stage.

Other than that, I took a 25-minute walk today, and plan to do the same tomorrow. One day at a time, right?

Thanks so much Kizzie! I kind of intend to keep revisiting this post to keep kind of a chronicle of sorts. Or is it more appropriate to at a certain point, move this to perhaps the personal journal subforum?

I'm looking forward to become a real member of this community!

Can I/Should I edit the title of my post to say "...and looking for encouragement!" instead, maybe? Mods?

Precisely. I've been in and out of therapy my whole life, and now that I've finally got an idea of what's wrong, I think I'm ready to keep trying until I find someone who will really listen to my whole background.

Thanks for the forms! I'm kinda worried about going in saying "I think I have C-PTSD" though, you know? I'm afraid of self-diagnosis and being seen as some kind of Dx seeker or something!

Thank you Deep Blue and Three Roses!

I've read some of The Body Keeps the Score, but I need to pick it up again. It's a bit triggering to read in places! But I do know and believe there is hope for everyone. I've loved lurking on these forums the past year or so, and it's nice to finally have a place to talk.

I have my first therapy appointment this afternoon! They want to know my ACE score (6) and I think I've got most of my history laid out. I might also print this post to share. Either way, wish me luck!

****TW::: Suicide, family, abuse, alcohol, self-harm mentions, possibly others!!!****

Hello, good people of OOTS! I'm honestly mostly crossposting from sister site Out of the Fog, but I think here might fit me a little more. I'm 28, and I'm agender (assigned female at birth).

This past Sunday was the 3rd anniversary of my husband's suicide. Halloween would've been our 4th wedding anniversary. I fully believe he was schizophrenic; he admitted to me the night he died that he had had auditory hallucinations for years, and he was always paranoid, jealous, and distrusting. Our relationship was filled with suicidal depressions and absurd control and looottsss of emotions. It felt like true love, it felt like the bad times were just things to overcome so that everything could be perfect. I have no idea if he was personality disordered or not, but at several times he and I each suspected BPD.

I moved back home with my mom, and about 10 months later, in mid-August, I discovered my sister was in an abusive relationship. She came to stay with us, and two days later was attacked in front of our apartment. My sister moved in with me, my mom moved out, and for 9 months, my life seemed to be on track, and my sister was away from her N-ex. I was working a job, dating a wonderful partner. Then in Summer of 2017, my sister's abuser killed himself in front of her, ultimately ending that nightmare relationship.

Honestly, I'm a dang mess. I've always been a floundering person, but as of today, I'm being fully supported by a rich partner, don't have or have to have a job, and I'm still not going to my classes, I'm wasting entire days in bed and watching the same episodes of Star Trek and reading forums. I have headaches and never exercise. I'm waiting on the results from an ADHD dignostic (should come this week) and have recently been emailing to set up a psych eval and therapy with a local clinic.

But I'm afraid that I don't even know how to talk about my whole problems and I don't really know what's relevant. I've had horrible sleep patterns my whole life, like being 7 or 8 years old and reading books until 1 or 2 in the morning. My dad confronted me about our shared depression issues when I was about 11 years old, we cried about it together, then never talked about it ever again. As a teen I was a self-harmer, until my parents found out and told me to stop unless I wanted to be locked up in a mental institution forever, so I mostly stopped. I'm fairly sure my dad is an N, and my mom an enabler, but I'm NC with dad and fairly LC with mom, so it's hard for me to really dig into it without being asked (or talking with my sister!)

I have major alcoholic tendencies (runs on both sides of the family!), but I haven't drank in like 3 days. When I do, I usually binge drink. I'm going to stop that cold turkey, or at least try. But I've 'tried' a lot of other times too. Maybe I'm just doomed to be messed up? I hope not. Really, I guess need advice, and I need to know how to talk about parental abuse (?) when I have so much other stuff to consider, too. Thanks for reading, anyway, and I don't mind if you tell me to stick to one place or the other.