Hi folks, my first post. 
I am utterly traumatised from being forced into psychotherapy, with a therapist who saw me as a weak, non engaging failure, who wouldn't like myself at end of therapy.
There was no awareness within my mental health team at the time that my awful childhood had caused not only personality disorder, but CPTSD, which manifested as dissociation, flashbacks hypervigilance physical illness ( fibromyalgia ) identity disorder, sexual issues and a complete lack of trust in people, not to mention during dissociation becoming a small child , terrified, an aggressive angry disaffected teen, a gender dysfunctional individual , an empty soulless destroyed shadow. The trauma was always there affecting my every day life, as I always had to be good enough for the main perpetrator. Bringing the emotions and events, those that I remembered, together was killing.
my question is, what works for people ? There are few resources in the UK. I believe art and writing therapy can, alongside gentle cbt and the eye movement therapy, but again, little available in UK unless you pay huge sums, which I don't have.
Photography is my passion, when well ( good days or hours crop up at times ) as is walking on the moors, coastland cliff tops, quiet coves ( people do my nut in , in any number, as does noise, and children ). Also wildlife forays, we see all sorts, red, fallow, row, muntjac deer, badgers, foxes, including tiny grey Cubs, hares, rabbits, moorland ponies and foals, and a polecat last week. Also blest enough, walking a local canal ( water of any kind is soothing ) saw a water vole swim across in front of us, before turning its head to look at us then vanish into reeds.
Having tried private therapy since horrible nhs experience, that also went awry, after my bringing up that it felt like my dead perpetrator was in the room with us. She panicked so I lost faith. I dare not be pushed any further emotionally with further experiments. My hair is now shaved to the skin again, , so my gender identity is Becoming more obviously an issue too. I don't want any semblance of my female body left. Abuse as an adult has compounded this aspect of myself.
Is there any point ? I'm nearly 50 and so aware of how difficult I am to live with, despite being ultra sensitive and loving I can be explosive. V sorry for long intro, but need to feel there is some genuine hope.
Love guys, gals and all, hope your journeys are going well. I am so pleased to have found this oasis.
I am utterly traumatised from being forced into psychotherapy, with a therapist who saw me as a weak, non engaging failure, who wouldn't like myself at end of therapy.
There was no awareness within my mental health team at the time that my awful childhood had caused not only personality disorder, but CPTSD, which manifested as dissociation, flashbacks hypervigilance physical illness ( fibromyalgia ) identity disorder, sexual issues and a complete lack of trust in people, not to mention during dissociation becoming a small child , terrified, an aggressive angry disaffected teen, a gender dysfunctional individual , an empty soulless destroyed shadow. The trauma was always there affecting my every day life, as I always had to be good enough for the main perpetrator. Bringing the emotions and events, those that I remembered, together was killing.
my question is, what works for people ? There are few resources in the UK. I believe art and writing therapy can, alongside gentle cbt and the eye movement therapy, but again, little available in UK unless you pay huge sums, which I don't have.
Photography is my passion, when well ( good days or hours crop up at times ) as is walking on the moors, coastland cliff tops, quiet coves ( people do my nut in , in any number, as does noise, and children ). Also wildlife forays, we see all sorts, red, fallow, row, muntjac deer, badgers, foxes, including tiny grey Cubs, hares, rabbits, moorland ponies and foals, and a polecat last week. Also blest enough, walking a local canal ( water of any kind is soothing ) saw a water vole swim across in front of us, before turning its head to look at us then vanish into reeds.
Having tried private therapy since horrible nhs experience, that also went awry, after my bringing up that it felt like my dead perpetrator was in the room with us. She panicked so I lost faith. I dare not be pushed any further emotionally with further experiments. My hair is now shaved to the skin again, , so my gender identity is Becoming more obviously an issue too. I don't want any semblance of my female body left. Abuse as an adult has compounded this aspect of myself.
Is there any point ? I'm nearly 50 and so aware of how difficult I am to live with, despite being ultra sensitive and loving I can be explosive. V sorry for long intro, but need to feel there is some genuine hope.
Love guys, gals and all, hope your journeys are going well. I am so pleased to have found this oasis.