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I have very similar issues. When I'm around good people, in a good job, in a good living situation, I can feel good for little moments, but mostly feel bad like I don't deserve it or I'm going to mess it uo. I hope that you can find some peace in your hot tub. I'm going to try to find some peace in my shower. Ive been in a panic attack all day.

Thank You Blueberry and Mourning Dove.
Blueberry, I can so relate to the part about being able to barely read to the end of a line. My profession requires intensive reading as well. I think that I lost my last job because I just couldn't keep up, but they didn't tell me that. I'm so afraid of not being able to work in my profession any longer. It's not that I love it- I actually don't, but it's what I've done for ten years. I'm terrified of being unable to take care of myself financially. I started a job at a firm just last week, and had to leave within two days because the owner was so abusive and yelling all the time and I just couldn't take it. I know that a lot of people have abusive bosses and just deal with it- I have many times before, but I just can't any longer.
The stomach stuff has been happening since I was in my early twenties. When I'm in times of extreme stress, fear and anxiety it will pop up. It feels like there is a fire in my stomach and it hurts so bad. When it's really bad, antacids don't even touch it. My gastroenterologist had blood work, stool work and a CT scan performed and found nothing except this damn lesion on my kidney that I just had an ultrasound on and will see my Nephrologist in a couple of weeks.
What you said about your gastritis sounds very similar. I was diagnosed with a pre-ulcer about 15 years ago after an endoscopy was performed. I was given Prilosec, which was only by prescription at the time, and it wiped it out.
Just trying to relax and "be" with myself is so hard. I'm really glad that I found this community. I'm sorry that you have to endure this too. It helps to know that at least some recovery is possible. I've been reading a lot about CPTSD and it is helpful, but then I have to take a break from it because it just becomes to overwhelming. 
Have a good night Mourning Dove and Blueberry. I wish peace for both of you and everyone on this board.

Hi everyone. My name is Katie. I am new to this community. I have struggled with depression, panic and anxiety and low self esteem/perfectionism my whole life. I am 48 years old and have been on every anti-depressant and on klonopin for years. Nothing has worked. I am currently with a great therapist who has diagnosed me as having CPSTD. I grew up in a violent household and with a narcissistic mother.  We were also very poor. I started drinking alcohol and using substances at 12 years old. I got sober at 34 and have been ever since. I went to college then law school, I have accomplished a lot career wise. I have friends who love me and treat me with care and respect.....but I NEVER feel good enough. I am in a near constant state of anxiety and fear. I focus like a laser on the reactions and comments of others. I am hypervigilant when I leave the house even to go to the grocery store. I put on a mask that I am confident and cool, but inside I feel like I'm going to explode. I have been having health problems including severe pain and acid production in my stomach which I have actually experienced on and off for years, and now lesion on my left kidney. Even when I'm alone in my room with my dog and cat  I can't seem to relax and am constantly thinking about what I "should" be doing that is productive etc... I hate myself and I often wish that I wasn't on the planet. My sister suffers from much of the same stuff.
I know that this post is long, but I'm really suffering and needed to reach out. I am currently jobless, and my money is running out. I am an attorney by trade and actually dread getting a job, even though I have been rigorously putting out resumes, because I'm afraid that I won't be able to handle it. My reading comprehension has diminished rapidly and my memory is shot.
I hope that I can get some strength and hope from this community, and also provide strength and hope to this community.
Thank You for reading.