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Have you read the book "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel van der Kolk? It's a really comprehensive look at how trauma changes our brains and in one part of the book he discusses why people cannot recognise danger at all. It is a NORMAL response to horrible abnormal circumstances. So please try not to be angry at yourself for doing the only thing you could as a child to stay alive. Part of you, deep inside, loves you very much and did all that it could to keep you here.

I am freezing/fawning all the time these days. It makes me very sad. I am getting back into mindfulness body scans, meditation, and self-compassion. It has worked before (except I kept having traumatic things happen back to back to back so I sort of lost ground) and I know they will work again. Also gentle yoga. I have found all of these resources online because I can't afford therapy. Let me know if you want some links to what I've used.

Please don't blame yourself. It sounds like you are suffering from serious hormone imbalance. There are hormones in your gut that tell your brain that YOU ARE STARVING EAT ALL YOU CAN NOW EAT EAT EAT and no amount of talking yourself out of it will stop you. You really need to be kind to yourself about this. Shaming yourself and beating yourself up over something that is taking over your brain is too too cruel to yourself. Are you making yourself go hungry a lot? Because that can cause it. Or have you lately tried to eat less and less to control your weight. This just messes up the gut.  There is a very very good eating program at Curves called Curves Complete (NOT Jenny Craig) where they deal with the hormones . Unfortunately, you have to eat (wouldn't it be great if we could just avoid the food for a bit to get control???). You have to be a member of Curves to do the diet. Just a suggestion.

Also, I know it is hard, but there is a site (free) about self-compassion online. We need to be kind to ourselves. There are meditations and exercises that may help you be kinder to yourself and less likely to be harmful. They are short and not hard to do.

Please know that you are worthy of your own love and compassion.

Oh Contessa, I understand your feelings about your family never acknowledging your pain...in fact, willfully betraying you for your abuser(s).  Our family is supposed to protect and nurture us. If they don't, then they are saying that you are not worthy of any love or nurturance. It's so hard to separate from that and see that YOU are scaring them. YOU are telling truths that they don't want to hear... so they shoot the messenger. I'm glad that you are moving away from needing their approval, but it is SUCH a difficult thing to do. I hope your find your 'soul' family, the ones who know and love you and accept you for who you are. I am so glad you are coming back. It's a hard row to hoe with a family working against you (let alone support you!).

After years of trauma and abuse, my mother suddenly and finally got it. I don't know why, but she did. And I finally have an ally. My only true friend in my family, one that respects me and knows and understands all that I've been through. And I feel the same way about her and do everything I can for her happiness. She has become my staunch defendant and admirer and it has truly been wonderful to become friends with her. And now she is nearly 96 and failing. I am so sad to lose the one family member who chose to get to know me.

I don't know if this will ever happen to you. It was certainly balm to my soul. But it didn't happen until my late 40's, so I have done much work on my own. I know that loneliness and despair of trying to explain myself and being told I don't have a problem or I asked for it. You have so much courage and strength and power if you have been able to start to move beyond that. Please honour yourself for that. You are wonderful.

Hi,
I am feeling very isolated and like I'm in a fog as well. I've been here before and dragged myself out but too much too often has pulled me down again...enough about me, though:
All of the above things that everyone here has so kindly suggested do work: body scan meditation, focusing on the things you can see, touch and hear, gentle yoga and so on. Every one of them has an effect. Sometimes it takes a while to notice but oh please try them. And they are all available online. Check out 'Full length gentle yoga class for beginners' and Jon Kabat Zinn 'body scan meditations'.  And "The Body Keeps the Score" is excellent!
I just wanted to add one more thing: Self-compassion. Dr. Kristen Neff has a site called "Self-Compassion". There are exercises and meditations and I have found them to truly help me to re-connect with myself. Also, there is a 5 minute guided self-compassion meditation on a free app called Insight Timer. I just write 'self-compassion' into the search and it comes up. It is led by Lisa Abramson and I find it can be powerful.

There are times when this self-compassion work guts me out since re-connection means FEELING again and that means feeling everything, good and bad. And some of the pain comes from realising how unkind you have been to yourself. But since you are practicing that kindness in the moment, it also has a soothing and healing power. Please make sure you have the privacy and the uninterrupted time (and maybe some tissues). Of course, this doesn't happen every time and may not happen for a while.

But please know that your pain and numbness are a result of you trying to keep yourself alive...proof that your inner self loves you, even though you are disconnected from it. You are worthy of love and connection. You are enough. You deserve to come out of the fog. All the best to you.