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So, I finally caved in and cut this morning. The urge had been mounting for days and I couldn't take it anymore. I figured I'd rather do this than the other addictive thoughts running through my head. I am NOT suicidal nor do I intend to do it again, at least not today. It had been 5 months since my last episode. I do not plan to tell my T or my psychiatrist. It will just freak them out. So now I get to deal with the shame and the scars. Way to go. Not a good decision, but now it's my reality.
Texannurse

Absolutely!!!! I need company right now. Memories are the enemy today.
Texannurse

  It' s all I can muster in my muddled brain today, but I mean it with all my heart!! What happened to all of us should never have happened - but it did - and now we have to pick up the pieces and learn to live and love ourselves - preaching to myself here.

Slim - I just hope you can know you're not alone. 

Dee,
I hope things go well when you do talk to your T. I understand the holding back bit...there are so many things in my brain that need to be exposed to the light but I have to be gentle with myself and let out what's ready to come out. And I'm learning to be ok with that. I hope you too can be gentle with yourself - this process is hard, painful and overwhelming. We're here to support each other, right?
Sending you a big 
Texannurse

Thanks wife#2. Today is more peaceful. I think I'll venture out to the garden to see how things are coming along. Then I'll snuggle with a blanket and maybe a stuffed animal and just sit quietly and refresh my soul.
Texannurse

Dee,
Glad that you made it through. You are stronger than you think 

Texannurse

I too have been on benzos for over 10 years and tried other options. I'm on a new one (10 days) and can't stand it. It's called Belsomra (in the US) and i'm having horrible vivid dreams - not nightmares exactly - but disconcerting. And I'm waking up every 2 hours all night. No wonder I'm not in a good place emotionally today.  I called my psych today to let her know.

I think it's just a really tricky thing to find the right med - at least from my perspective.

Texannurse

Micheerx,
I'm so sorry you are having to go through this. I agree with everyone else - it is NOT your fault - no matter what his age or ADHD - you were made to do and endure things no 10 year old child should have to do or endure. I understand the confusion though. My abuse started young as well and I think "if only I had said no" when he asked if it felt good and i wanted to continue.
I didn't mean to hijack the thread - I just wanted you to know you are not alone and it is NOT your fault.
I'm so proud of you - that you had the courage to tell someone  It's not easy. But we are here if you need us!
Texannurse

Elphanigh - Thanks I think I just need someone to sit by me and support me as I learn to let my emotions thaw. They are doing that right now. That's why I came out to the porch - i needed fresh air and some companionship!
Texannurse

I just need to hang out today - stressed and tired of working on therapy. Can i just sit in the corner and just "be"?
Texannurse

*****Trigger Warning****

As I just had one earlier today .... It took over before I realized what was happening. The memory flashed before my eyes and brought me right back to the event. I felt like my heart was racing, my stomach was in knots, My breath was very shallow and rapid. I could feel the terror I felt then, feel him there. It was horrible. I had not realized before that this was an EF - i just thought I was overreacting. Now I know better.
**** End Trigger Warning****

I'm just grateful to have a place to share with people who understand.
Texannurse

I too have read this book. It helped me feel like what I went through and how I dealt with is real - not just made up in my head. It somehow validated all the pain and although I haven't read it in a while, it did help me at least take the first steps to seek out help - because I finally realized that what I went through was worthy of healing.
Texannurse

Wife and Blueberry -
Thank you! i really appreciate your shares. It doesn't necessarily make me feel better - but at least it sheds some light on it. I think I do push myself too hard to get this "recovery thing" done and over with. But i'm learning that is not realistic to expect or even hope for. I guess it will happen when it happens. So there's a bit of hope there 

Texannurse

I still can't cry and it's driving me nuts. I want to break the tension i feel inside, but it won't break. I saw a new psychiatrist last week and when I was telling her my trauma history, I was just telling it like it was someone else's life - no emotion. She asked me if I could tell her about the dissociation I was doing at that moment. I didn't even realize I was doing it. I just shut down emotionally. I never realized that is dissociation. No wonder I don't feel or cry....

Wife#2 - I don't know what appeals to me more, just swinging on the porch swing doing nothing or sitting in the corner, with good book.... It's nice here. Calm and quiet. I can just be. It's quiet, maybe everyone is inside taking a nap. 

Texannurse