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Messages - Pippy

#1
Hello, i was on this site a while ago and found it helpful but had trouble getting logged back in so have started fresh. I was Pippa, now Pippy.
I developed my c ptsd from living with my husband who was into torture, entrapment, rape etc. He apparently had NPD or something and was a psychopath but not diagnosed. Ive been away from him for 8 years with no contact but am still struggling. He kept me isolated from the world, except i was 'allowed' to work, he liked the money. But was allowed no friends. I tried to leave him several times, it took planning as i was so scared of him, terrified of him actually, first time my parents took me back to him and second time the police didn't believe me. I didn't fit the profile of a battered wife so couldn't get any protection to leave. My internet and phone calls were tracked making it difficult to reach out.  I did 7 years. Now i am raising my daughter, who also has cptsd thanks to his treatment on my own, with little support from family who mostly think Ive made it all up. My mum believes i am the cause of my daughters tears, not for being with my x, but that i cause the problems somehow now. Just heartbreaking. Ive since learnt i was emotionally neglected as a child by mum and dad, so i guess the comments aren't suprising but they still hurt. Ive given much to keep my daughter as safe as i could for all those years, often sacrificing myself to protect her. I still have few friends as I'm still isolated outside of work due to not having babysitters. I can't call on my parents as they trigger my daughter. So many nights on my own. I crave friends, long to have people to go out for dinner, or to a movie with. When I've had a night with my daughter safe somewhere Ive ended up going out alone, or sitting at the beach with my dog for company as i had no one to go out with or to visit. Difficult with only 2 or 3 evenings a year without my daughter. Just pathetic really. But his legacy lives on in my life. My dear brother has just started having my daughter one night a week as i was falling apart, which is so wonderful, I'm so grateful i cant thank him enough. Ive joined an orchestra which I'm enjoying. It gives social interaction without having to know anyone first. So how come i still feel so disconnected? Like i am on the fringe looking in on society? I find myself socially awkward as i dont seem to have anything in common anymore with 'normal' people who haven't lived through what i have.  How come the tears at night wont go away? I thought having some time to myself and a hobby out with people would dull the ache of being lonely but it hasn't. I know the tears are a release but I'm sick of being sad. Are these feelings normal for cptsd? Even after years of treatment?  I do see a psychologist who is wonderful and is helping me unravel bits but there is so much to untangle. I dont know anyone who is actually living this roller-coaster. Appreciate any thoughts or comments. Am i just feeling sorry for myself? If so how do i stop?