I appear to have PTSD. I have suffered on and off with depression for many years. Physically I am in good health, I can run 10 kilometres and swim 4 kilometres.
Mentally and emotionally I feel as if I am irrevocably broken. As if my inner world has been destroyed by past abuses in young adulthood from family and friends.
It becomes worse when my girlfriend is away. We have a strong relationship, we kiss and cuddle and are physically affectionate often. The sex is pretty good and I feel comfortable. She can be rude sometimes, but so can I. We always make up quickly. She is very supportive (so am I), and I have not suffered any abuse since being in this relationship. In many ways, she is much stronger than me.
But the moment she leaves for work I become deeply unhappy, suicidal, and want to end the relationship and return to my home country. My partner never sees these behaviours as I keep them hidden.
I message my mother or sister and tell them these feelings but they don't appear to understand.
I think they just want to keep me alive.
I am in near constant emotional distress when alone. Which means every day.
I find myself dwelling on seriously distressing thoughts, so upsetting that I become overwhelmed and cry 'no' until the thought goes away.
I want to die, but have never made a committed attempt on my life in all these years.
I recognise the need to let go of this thinking emotionally and physically, but I can't.
I don't understand what I need to move to the next step in this process.
I don't understand why my body/mind are behaving like this.
Can a trigger in the environment cause this, like watching a violent movie?
How do I stop this?
Help, anyone??
Mentally and emotionally I feel as if I am irrevocably broken. As if my inner world has been destroyed by past abuses in young adulthood from family and friends.
It becomes worse when my girlfriend is away. We have a strong relationship, we kiss and cuddle and are physically affectionate often. The sex is pretty good and I feel comfortable. She can be rude sometimes, but so can I. We always make up quickly. She is very supportive (so am I), and I have not suffered any abuse since being in this relationship. In many ways, she is much stronger than me.
But the moment she leaves for work I become deeply unhappy, suicidal, and want to end the relationship and return to my home country. My partner never sees these behaviours as I keep them hidden.
I message my mother or sister and tell them these feelings but they don't appear to understand.
I think they just want to keep me alive.
I am in near constant emotional distress when alone. Which means every day.
I find myself dwelling on seriously distressing thoughts, so upsetting that I become overwhelmed and cry 'no' until the thought goes away.
I want to die, but have never made a committed attempt on my life in all these years.
I recognise the need to let go of this thinking emotionally and physically, but I can't.
I don't understand what I need to move to the next step in this process.
I don't understand why my body/mind are behaving like this.
Can a trigger in the environment cause this, like watching a violent movie?
How do I stop this?
Help, anyone??