Thanks both, it felt empowering just to post. Not many people would understand.
Best wishes BDD
Best wishes BDD
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Please Introduce Yourself Here / Understanding c-PTSD
March 15, 2017, 10:16:16 AM
Hi all,
I've come to this site from OOTF. I wanted to share part of my story in the hope that some of you may be able to offer some tools for healing.
I'm the scapegoat eldest daughter of an uBPD mother and an enFather. I've experienced and witnessed all kinds of emotional abuse over the years. None of it especially bad, but subtle, damaging and cumulative. Money was their weapon of choice and they withdrew financial and emotional support when I was 18 as a means of attempting to gain control. They are very comfortable and have taunted me ever since with carrot and stick offers of money. I've never been able to turn to them for help, and when I have I've been kicked in the face.
Growing up their house was like growing up in a war zone. Constant fighting, arguing, slammed doors, screeching tires. My mother would then fling herself on her bed and sob for hours. Days of silence. Constant talk of divorce. When I asked if I could help her, she'd shun or belittle me. It was never discussed afterwards and everything was papered over until the next time. I learned to "put on my happy face" whenever I left the house. When I became a teenager, I became the target of her verbal abuse and emotional manipulation. I was made to feel like I was a bad, ungrateful, unworthy person who "needed to change my attitude". He didn't protect me, but kicked me out of home instead to keep the peace.
About the same time (age 18), I fell in love. He was a beautiful man, my soulmate and he loved me unconditionally. We were together for seven years but I broke it off because I wanted to see the world and meet other men. I never really contemplated us not being together. But of course he was devastated and by the time i was ready to come back, he had (very understandably) moved on with a woman he eventually married.
I've never really gotten over that relationship and never really had another partner. That was 15 years ago. I think what happened is because I had no proper attachment to my mother (anxious/avoidant), I attached to him instead. When I went back to him as my safe haven, after exploring the world and seeing it held no greener grass, he was not there for me. I was shattered. My devastation went well beyond the breakdown of a relationship and my soul still aches.
I'm now NC with my parents and have been VLC at various times. I abuse alcohol and have done for years. I'm very interested in the posts I've read on self-soothing and replacing the mother with the bottle - really makes sense to me.
Anyway, thanks for reading. I'd love your wise thoughts.
BDD
I've come to this site from OOTF. I wanted to share part of my story in the hope that some of you may be able to offer some tools for healing.
I'm the scapegoat eldest daughter of an uBPD mother and an enFather. I've experienced and witnessed all kinds of emotional abuse over the years. None of it especially bad, but subtle, damaging and cumulative. Money was their weapon of choice and they withdrew financial and emotional support when I was 18 as a means of attempting to gain control. They are very comfortable and have taunted me ever since with carrot and stick offers of money. I've never been able to turn to them for help, and when I have I've been kicked in the face.
Growing up their house was like growing up in a war zone. Constant fighting, arguing, slammed doors, screeching tires. My mother would then fling herself on her bed and sob for hours. Days of silence. Constant talk of divorce. When I asked if I could help her, she'd shun or belittle me. It was never discussed afterwards and everything was papered over until the next time. I learned to "put on my happy face" whenever I left the house. When I became a teenager, I became the target of her verbal abuse and emotional manipulation. I was made to feel like I was a bad, ungrateful, unworthy person who "needed to change my attitude". He didn't protect me, but kicked me out of home instead to keep the peace.
About the same time (age 18), I fell in love. He was a beautiful man, my soulmate and he loved me unconditionally. We were together for seven years but I broke it off because I wanted to see the world and meet other men. I never really contemplated us not being together. But of course he was devastated and by the time i was ready to come back, he had (very understandably) moved on with a woman he eventually married.
I've never really gotten over that relationship and never really had another partner. That was 15 years ago. I think what happened is because I had no proper attachment to my mother (anxious/avoidant), I attached to him instead. When I went back to him as my safe haven, after exploring the world and seeing it held no greener grass, he was not there for me. I was shattered. My devastation went well beyond the breakdown of a relationship and my soul still aches.
I'm now NC with my parents and have been VLC at various times. I abuse alcohol and have done for years. I'm very interested in the posts I've read on self-soothing and replacing the mother with the bottle - really makes sense to me.
Anyway, thanks for reading. I'd love your wise thoughts.
BDD
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