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Thank you so much.  Today was a particularly bad day.  I can't identify how I feel or why I feel it with any other words than I feel bad and I feel tired.  My therapist keeps a sheet of adjectives in her office for me.  I should probably make a copy and carry it with me always.   All I know is that it's 6 pm on the first sunny Sunday that we have had in my area for months and that I had a list of things that I wanted to do today including taking a shower and getting dressed and I didn't accomplish even one of them and i'm seriously berating myself for it.  I was in bed most of the day sleeping and spinning in my head.

I just started facing that my trauma began in childhood.  It's been easy to blame my ex for all of it because he was probably the worst a abuser, but the fact is that I am a survivor of this since childhood at the hands of both of my parents and my stepfather.   I believe this is the reason why I have been feeling desperate lately to find a support system outside of the 50 minute sessions once every other week.   I'm just lost.

Hi

I'm so exhausted.  I've bee looking for a place to rest my head where even one person outside of my therapist understands and can empathize.  I'm agoraphobic, severely socially removed, on meds (which I hate) and have all the expected classic symptoms of a Narcissistic Abuser Survivor, so I won't bore anyone with that.  I came across a website this morning called Flying Monkeys.  After reading how strongly they suggested an on-line support group, I decided to try one more time to find a forum, but had only ever searched for PTSD forums, which as you can imagine are not where someone like me belongs.  I joined a CODA site as well, and although I can relate to a lot of what goes on in the life of a Co-dependent, it runs so much more deep and wide than that for me.   There isn't a lot out there for people who specifically suffer from C-PTSD.  I didn't even realize that was my official diagnosis until quite recently. 

I've been abuser free for a little over a year and I just don't feel much better than I did the day he left, except for the fact that now I'm glad he is gone.  It took me a long while to fully understand with what I had truly been experiencing for 13 years. 

I'm also a survivor of suicide.  My first husband after 12 years and two kids.  And I'm just tired.  So tired. 

Thank you for reading.  I will be lurking a bit and reading some stories.  I hope there might be something here that I need.