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Your question is heart wrenching, and I'm sorry to hear everything you've been through. The good news is that there is healing for those of us with Cptsd.

There's no quick fix or easy answer. We didn't get this way overnight and each situation is unique. Spend some time reading here, take what is useful and relevant to you, and ask questions along the way. Above all, move at your own pace and don't rush things. Sometimes we can be so desperate for change that we can re-injure ourselves.

Glad you are here.

Thank you 

Victim of severe verbal abuse as a child....watched domestic violence between my parents, son's father verbally & physically abusive, Care taker for chronically ill mother who passed young a few yes ago, codependent and recently ended a relationship with a possible narcissist, possible exposure to gas-lighting.....I have always seem myself so poorly and have gone long periods of lacking joy and crying day after day. Recently discovered the hatred, anger, fear I'm still holding onto.....How do I change whats engrained itself I to me and have a healthy relationship?! I'm tired of living heart broken

I recently had to tell my boyfriend to leave my apartment a few months after I had finally said yes to his persistent requests for marriage....it was another devastating heartbreak to add to the list.....I finally thought I had found the man I would marry but I had declined his request so many times that not long after I said yes he told me that he had not and could not get over the last no....he had started ignoring me, working late. He wouldn't even say hello to me. But he doesn't understand that I grew up watching a very abusive marriage between my parents and I was deathly afraid of getting married and being trapped in an abusive situation all over again. Your title for my attention and I completely understand the pain of " adding another one to the list" .....my father severely verbally abused me as did my son's father adding physical violence and substance abuse to that. Every relationship I have ever had was destructive and unstable 😞 I'm 31 now and I realize I need help to fix what I'm me keeps putting me in the same situation. You're not alone ❤