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I do the EXACT same thing and have puzzled over it as you are. I think I may do this because I am so careful about how much I let people in and, somehow, allowing eye contact lets people into my inner world. When someone else is talking, I have no problem making eye contact. I think there is something about the idea that I am conveying more than my words when I'm speaking, but not when I am listening. Does that make any sense?

Thanks to all of you for your warm welcome and your caring suggestions. I really appreciate the input. My T suggested a half a Xanax before procedures, and that may be the way to go, though I don't want the medical people to think I'm drug-dependent! I know what you mean about the MRI. I had a CT scan recently and just closed my eyes and went away. It was easier for me that way. Hard to feel so out of control. Even though technically, I am "consenting" to invasive procedures by showing up for the appointments, I feel like my consent is coerced and it feels so violating/triggering. Trying to do the right thing and take care of my body, though.

Thanks again!

Hi all,

I'm new on here, so please be patient with etiquette mishaps! 

I have an "official" diagnosis of PTSD, unofficially cPTSD (since not in DSM-5, not paid by insurance). I grew up in a family with 10 kids, unPD F and checked out M. Suffered physical, sexual, and emotional abuse (the "trifecta," as I like to call it) from multiple sources throughout childhood. Left home without graduating HS but now have an advanced degree. Currently being crazy triggered by medical interventions due to troubling symptoms. Due to my history, I have an EXTREME aversion to being touched by strangers and people I'm not close to. I can barely tolerate haircuts on a semi-annual basis. Now I'm getting nearly every orifice of my body violated in an attempt to ID the source(s) of signs/symptoms. My go-to response: numb out, space out, eat too much. Unfortunately, that doesn't work all that great in the rest of my life. I have been very lucky up until now that I have been physically very healthy, and managed to avoid even general checkups for many years, but it is catching up to me. Anyone been through this and have positive ways of dealing with being triggered, panicked, etc.? Therapy helps, but we haven't figured out any good concrete ways of doing this differently.

Anyway, thanks for listening.