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HI all 

11 years ago, my (U)NPD sister booted me out of my immediate family and everyone went along with it.  This was due to my blowing up (CPTSD reaction after witnessing her selfish behavior) in an email to her now ex-husband who shared it with her because he was trying to keep her in his life.

I found the Out of the Fog website which helped me greatly to understand how to deal with family who have personality disorders (and the flying monkeys.)

I then found you all, Out of the Storm, because I realized I have CPTSD, big time.

I have come so far since then, and I am so grateful for OOTF and OOTS!! 

I think the biggest thing I have learned is, I no longer need anyone's approval.   

I have spent a great deal of my time seeking people's approval and any type of acknowledgement I could get to feel better about myself.  I later understood this was a trauma response due to my being scapegoated by my family, and severly bullied in school (I have ADHD.)

What's happening today is my 93 year old mother has been taken to the hospital with severe health issues.  Even though I have been my mother's primary support person, my (U)NPD sister says she has to take charge because I'm too difficult to deal with (this was after a few email exchanges.)

My mom has been living in assisted living, which I moved her into a few years ago after living with her for two years (my sister did not help with the move of course.)  I moved out of town after moving my mom, and for the past few years I have continued to be very much in her life.  I've been zooming with her twice a week and helping her to keep a to do list that we share via email (where my (U)NPD sister visits her once a week and doesn't take her out or do errands like help her to get a new bra.)  Seeing that my mother's health was going down, this year I took her on a two week vacation, and to our family reunion (which my sister did not go to.)

The other big thing I've learned is how to recognize my trauma responses and know that they are a reaction; an old reaction to dysfunction.  I still have them, but I am doing so much better with not giving them too much credit.

Before all I could do was ruminate about how wrong it all was, and it truly took it's toll on me, feeling the victim. 

Now I can see I can let go of the victim role, and no longer give my (U)NPD sister any power.  It doesn't matter how bad it was, or how bad it is; because if I'm healing and moving on, I can let it all go; leave it all behind me.

I know that my being the family scapegoat will end when my mother dies.  She is the one that keeps me there due to her fears of standing up to my sister.

Now I have to let my (U)NPD sister take charge, and let it all go.

Thank you all for being there 

Thank you Blueberry!! 

FYI, by my actions with my mother, taking her to family reunions, and generally being there for her; my family can see I am not the problem. I had to push through the pain of being rejected and have faith that life will be ok as long as I'm doing the right thing and taking care of myself.

I am SO GRATEFUL that I know my triggers now!!  I can feel them right away and acknowledge I've been triggered. Only a few times have I had to disassociate to relieve myself from the pain (few and far between.) This is why I'm not here very much anymore. I no longer need their recognition.

I am getting better!! 

Thanks everyone for your replies, I totally appreciate it.   

I actually forgot I posted this, until now, and I am embarrassed to admit why.  Similar to my last post, the anguish I felt for being "slighted" was so intense I had to post about it.  Then I believe just making the post helped to release the anxiety.  So I never came back to see what you all have said, until now.  Geez. 

I hear what you all are saying when it comes to being cautious about what the narcissist hears from other family members and how it's important to not put anything out there that could be twisted against me.  Been there and done that!  So, my instinct is to just not say anything.  I would have to put it in writing because I don't live close to her, and I wouldn't call her just to talk about my sister.

I know I will always have to deal with these triggers, since my family doesn't get the pain that I'm in, but this is "my cross to bear".  It's up to me to feel complete and ok, knowing that there is an imbalance of power in the family (since my mother won't stand up to my sister and say she want's her family together again.)

There may be a time when we are at a family event where it would be convenient for me to talk to my mother's SIL about it all.  We have a family reunion coming up in July and I will be bringing my mother since my sister doesn't bother to come to them.  It's all GOOD. 

HI all, 

I could use some input, as I got triggered yet again by a family member (my mother's SIL.) 

My mother's SIL was married to her only brother who passed a year ago.

SIL and I have always been close, and she loves my mother.

She knows what happened with my family (scapegoated by my sister 10 years ago and got the boot from the family.)

Yesterday she sends me a text re: seeing my mother and sister for lunch, letting me know how they are doing breezing over the fact there is a rift between my sister and I.

To be honest, I don't know if she knows that my sister still is insistent that we aren't in the same room (even though her son invited me to his wedding and I went, I thought that was that, but since then new family events have happened where I was specifically not invited.)

I want to reply to her a text saying that she is normalizing the family dysfunction and please do not provide me any information on a person who is adamant to exclude me from my family (and my mother goes along with it because she can't stand up to my sister.)

I just want to set the record.  I feel like I should stand up for myself.

Will I sound like a bitchy person who is still angry?

Does it really matter?

I supposed if I felt totally secure none of this would matter.

thank you, hugs 

Thanks all for the support.    The Mom triggers are the worst.   

Kizzie, this comment is very helpful... 

"My NM did the same thing right up until she passed. It helps them if they create a reality they can live with but it's hard on us."

This is exactly what is happening. I do understand her need to create her own reality.

After reading your comment I closed my eyes and imagined life with my mother no longer here.  Wow. The weird family dynamic would be GONE.  There would be no "dynamic" as it would just be my sister making her stand against me. I would no longer be a scapegoat for the family dysfunction.

Then I imagined, what if both my mother and my sister died?  Wow. This gave me an unusual feeling, which to be honest I can't quite describe.  The entire dysfunctional family situation would be GONE. My nemesis would be GONE. I imagine this may be what it's like for people who go no contact, and I can understand the desire as it is freeing.

I'll stick it out for my Mom's sake, and honestly I don't think she's going to be around much longer.  HUGS ALL 

Hello snuz 

I get it.  Overall community is a good thing.  But if you are still healing from trauma then too much can be a bad thing.

You are actually describing my worst nightmare, as I used to think that living in an Intentional Community was the answer for my future.

And yet, I have heard that living in an IC can be mentally exhausting, like "being in therapy 24/7".

It's all about boundaries.    And if you can't make them properly with people around you, then it may be best to protect yourself by being alone at this time. 

I have been living on my own for the past year and realize it's been 15 years since I've lived alone.  Since I'm so used to putting other people's needs in front of my own, it's been nice to only have my needs to deal with. 

I hope someday maybe there will be a good community solution for you, and all of us. 

take care

HI all, 

So I feel so embarrassed. 

I just reviewed my last post before this one and it stated that I will no longer be a victim of what I am sadly complaining about in this post! 

Damn my C-PTSD! 

So, I'm still working on it.  Hope all is well with you out there... 

HI all 

I haven't posted in awhile, but plan to make more of an effort to participate here as I could use your support. 

Just want to share that I wish I could get over my mother's insensitivity to my needs/feelings. 

Over 10 years ago my family was blown apart by dysfunction, and I was blamed due to my trying to point out my younger sister's narcissistic negatives effects on our family. 

I have gone through so much since I was removed (discarded? fired? cancelled?) - all the while - providing continual support for my mother (lived with her for two years and moved her into assisted living without any help from my sister who lived 10 minutes away.) 

My 92 year old mother can't stand up to my 64 year old sister, as she is fearful of her doing the same thing as she did to me, so she supports my sister keeping me outside the family. 

I just had my mother here visiting me for our Christmas time together (as she will be with my sister on Christmas.)  We had a lovely time.  I try to make things really wonderful for her as I know she only has a few years left.

And yet, my mother yesterday sends me a picture of her and my sister's finance in an email.  The email is titled "Love this picture of you two" and it came from my sister to my Mom.

My clueless mother still thinks we are one big happy family! She has never admitted that her actions/inactions play any part in the division. 

Fortunately for me the picture wasn't attached, but the insensitivity of sending me a picture of someone I am not allowed to know or even be around is so painful to me, and so I've been triggered.

As I don't want to feel triggered, I do my best to justify to myself that my mother just can't "go there" when it comes to her part as my (u)NPD sister has such a hold on her, and yet....how can someone be so insensitive, my own mother.

BIG SIGH.

Sadly the only thing that gives me any sense of solace is the fact that this finance cheated on my sister, and she still stays with him because she admits he can support her lifestyle and she doesn't want to be alone.  IN other words, I don't care about any of them!

Thanks for listening...

Welcome Pangur! 

So glad you found this website and forum.  It's been a life changing thing for me to find people who get what I've been going through all my life, even if I still don't get it myself.

Like you I went through the narcissist abuse and dysfunctional family dynamic as I was raised in a "loving family" but had no idea I had experienced trauma until I was 53.  Now at 66, I am grateful to be on my recovery journey from trauma (as well as being 13 years sober, but that's another long and painful story.)

So glad you have the book by Pete Walker, and that quote you mention is perfect and a bit eye opening!  I've been thinking it's my ADHD that inhibits executive function to move forward but I also know that in my family I had "my place" and the Pete Walker quote is an eye opener, so thank you!

Again, welcome 

Hello all, thanks again for your thoughts.

Yes dollyvee, I'm going through the same thing, feeling grief about the unhealthy family pattern that didn't take my needs into consideration, and how I couldn't see it.

I realize something that I've heard many times before, I'm the one working on myself and getting better so I'm the one that now can see the pattern.  My sister and my mother are not, they are still stuck in the dysfunction and are not making any movement to change.

What I also realize is my mother has to deal with "cognitive dissonance", as she feels obligated to support my sister's beliefs and outlook while she deals with me and my reality of being hurt by it all.  I appreciate you all pointing out her superficial behavior towards me, I've just been so used to her "caring" about me, but not to the point of making any changes to the awful family situation.

More here on cognitive dissonance: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/cognitive-dissonance

I did some EMDR on Monday with my psychologist on my need for my mother's approval and it helped!  I realize it's really not approval, strangely, it's just acknowledgement; as I can feel invisible due to my sister's desire to remove me from the picture 

I am now working on not needing acknowledgement from anyone, just to be an active human being on the planet. 

Thank you again for your thoughts everyone, really appreciate it. 

From dollyvee "...your m is denying space for your feelings to exist, and when you protest, she goes into victim mode."
                                         

UGH, YES this is what happens. I knew the second part, but needed someone to point out the first. 

Within my Out of the Storm Zoom #2 group meeting yesterday we talked about this a lot and I am starting to understand that I am denying my feelings, again.

I zoomed with my mother yesterday afternoon and I was going to ask her why she can't understand my need to protect myself but I just couldn't.

I think a lot of it really has to do with my need for her approval. UGH   

I will work on this, thanks all for giving me more food for thought on my journey to HEALING FINALLY! 

thanks PapaCoco for your thoughts.  - my mother is not vindictive and really doesn't have a mean bone in her body.  She is just totally clueless.  She is a true flying monkey of my sister.  She wants to believe we are still a family.  I've asked her dozens of times not to give me details of events I'm not invited to and it's just pointless to do this anymore.

Way before my family alienation, I continually had to deal with my mother bending over backwards for my sister's needs while she stomped on mine.  If I point out to her that she's hurt me, she will feel terrible, but her traumatized brain will then get mad at me for pointing this out and then I'm the bad guy again.

Part of my challenge in all this is to try not to take anything personally.  I understand why my sister does what she does, and I understand why my mother does what she does; and honestly it has nothing to do with me!! I'm just the dumping ground. I just need to do what I can to stay out of the way, so that I'm not a victim!

HI all, I thought to give an update.   

I did go hear the jazz band in the Humboldt botanical gardens yesterday and it was a great experience.  I met with a (everyone is over 50 years old) group I found on the website "meetup", and it was just great to have a group to meet (vs going all alone.)  I made some new friends and there are upcoming events that everyone was talking about (hiking is next.)  I am so grateful I was able to get out. 

Last night I received a detailed email from my mother all about her weekend.  It's the frickin' weirdest thing how she can be so disconnected from the hurt it causes me to hear about it.  I'm so grateful I didn't read it until this morning as it set me off again.   

I was able to talk to my psychologist about it all this morning, and I told her about the email I was going to send my mother (originally referred to in this post) asking her, should I have sent it?  But, we both agreed it was good I didn't and she suggested I respond back to my mother "I'm glad you had a good time, it was a rough weekend for me."  And so I did. 

Still not going to be a victim, but I realize the C-PTSD can do it's number on me, at least I am feeling better today.  It's not wrong to state my reality.  Onward and forward, thanks for being there y'all. 

Thanks Blueberry and dollyvee,

Sounds like I need to pick up that book "Believing Me" for sure.

Appreciate everyone's support.

Today I'm pushing myself to go see a jazz band in the botanical gardens, sounds like it would be wonderful eh? 

But I'm dragging my heels, forcing myself to go. 

NO MORE VICTIM...

HUGS   

Thank you all for your positive responses. 

Just FYI, I am not doing what I wanted to do!! 

The party for my mother is today, so geez, I really wanted to not let it get to me, but omg, I just haven't gotten there yet. 

Also my nephew's wife in in a musical (she is playing Nancy in Oliver) and they are all going tomorrow to see her, damn I would have loved to have seen that.

I'm totally anxious and can't focus and can't do anything but sleep and watch TV.

So, that's what I'm doing.

Maybe next week I can start on the no longer being a victim thing... 

It's so weird how the brain can go forward and then backwards again!  GRRRRRRRR that dang C-PTSD!

Thanks for being there....and helping me to have faith....