Hi everyone - I'm Shelley. I'm 39 years old and finally think I'm at the point I'm ready to say I can't navigate this alone.
I've known for years that so much of what I've battled to overcome has stemmed from my ongoing childhood trauma (and then emotional and psychological abuse in my choices of relationships, right on the heels of it), and I've tried so hard to help myself "get over it," as if sheer power of will could re-write all the things I've learned in mental muscle memory. I made a friend who's a therapist a few years ago, and she can't work with me since we're in different states. BUT, it took her gentle voice and quick recognition that I was hurting, bad..... and her acknowledgement, when I started to share, that the things I went through as a kid were wrong.... and the shame that always threatened to take me under was wrong... before I started to listen, finally. Started to step back and see that maybe I'd suffered decades under a skewed sense of worthlessness and a skewed sense of always trying to please people so that they wouldn't abandon me, since I was obviously worth abandoning... that kind of thing.
Anyway.... I always carried shame that IF I asked for help.... sought out a counselor or therapist... that it just proved I was the failure I'd always heard I was. You know? It took the failing of my second marriage (to a passive-aggressive narcissist) and a need for some kind of real change, to realize I want my life to be healthy, not constantly a battle for survival as the victim of things I can actually walk away from.... does that make sense?
So I'm just now starting a journey of trying to find a GOOD person to see. I haven't known where to start, terrified I'll just end up with someone who wants to throw medication at me or blame it on any number of things that don't address the root of it all. Scary as it is, I really want to work THROUGH this, acknowledge it, and walk forward better equipped.... not just numb myself to it, which is what I'm scared will happen. Last night, a friend of my ex sent me a referral ... said it was just kinda on her heart to share with me. She has PTSD from a car accident, doesn't know much on C-PTSD, but she knows I've dealt with a lot of stuff (doesn't know my history). I guess she just picked up on it from the way I write (I'm a writer). It SOUNDS like her therapist is a good one.... and I hope so.
Just wanted to get myself involved in a community that gets it... so that I don't chicken out on this.
I've known for years that so much of what I've battled to overcome has stemmed from my ongoing childhood trauma (and then emotional and psychological abuse in my choices of relationships, right on the heels of it), and I've tried so hard to help myself "get over it," as if sheer power of will could re-write all the things I've learned in mental muscle memory. I made a friend who's a therapist a few years ago, and she can't work with me since we're in different states. BUT, it took her gentle voice and quick recognition that I was hurting, bad..... and her acknowledgement, when I started to share, that the things I went through as a kid were wrong.... and the shame that always threatened to take me under was wrong... before I started to listen, finally. Started to step back and see that maybe I'd suffered decades under a skewed sense of worthlessness and a skewed sense of always trying to please people so that they wouldn't abandon me, since I was obviously worth abandoning... that kind of thing.
Anyway.... I always carried shame that IF I asked for help.... sought out a counselor or therapist... that it just proved I was the failure I'd always heard I was. You know? It took the failing of my second marriage (to a passive-aggressive narcissist) and a need for some kind of real change, to realize I want my life to be healthy, not constantly a battle for survival as the victim of things I can actually walk away from.... does that make sense?
So I'm just now starting a journey of trying to find a GOOD person to see. I haven't known where to start, terrified I'll just end up with someone who wants to throw medication at me or blame it on any number of things that don't address the root of it all. Scary as it is, I really want to work THROUGH this, acknowledge it, and walk forward better equipped.... not just numb myself to it, which is what I'm scared will happen. Last night, a friend of my ex sent me a referral ... said it was just kinda on her heart to share with me. She has PTSD from a car accident, doesn't know much on C-PTSD, but she knows I've dealt with a lot of stuff (doesn't know my history). I guess she just picked up on it from the way I write (I'm a writer). It SOUNDS like her therapist is a good one.... and I hope so.
Just wanted to get myself involved in a community that gets it... so that I don't chicken out on this.