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Thank you, Three Roses and excuse me for rambling 

Hello everyone - this is my first time trying to write out, what actually might have contributed to my C-PTSD from early childhood and early teens etcetera.

First of all, I am so grateful that you are here, in this forum, talking your precious time to read this. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

If I could summarize my childhood it would be, that I have been raised by children and not real adults. That is the the general feeling I have - children playing dress up as "mum" and "dad".

I am the youngest of three children and the story from my perspective goes like this:

I generally get the feeling that mum and dad "adored" me - not just that. I was put on this Earth to save their marriage. That is what my sister kept telling me and I do not know if this is true. My sister thinks I stole all the affection and she hates my guts. That could be a topic for another thread, perhaps. I got teased a lot by my brother and my dad. Thanks for that.

I have been told later that dad tried to * when my mum told him she was pregnant. As it turns out he was having an affair and he despaired, when she broke it off. My aunt was devastated that mum was pregnant - "I should have been her little Girl". *?

Fast forward to what I can remember: Chaos, fighting, neglect and "love"?

Even though my parents had good jobs, we were always broke. Eventually, we moved around a lot - one place to the other. I got used to changing the scenery already from Kindergarten, apparently not in a good way, and got bullied from an early age. I quickly became the loner. Lacking behind in school from an early age as well. I escaped/dissasociated a lot into fantasies, drawing, reading and writing Fantasy. I remember being isolated, invisible, shamed, humiliated. "Children are seen, not heard". "Get a grip", "you need to fight back" (against bullies), "be a good girl".  "Come on now - don´t be weak".

I do not remember my parents being around a lot - sometimes they would just disappear and I did not know where they went? My brother and sister being absent, they lived in another country and nobody told me why. When they visited and left, I would often have crying spells that embarrassed Everyone.

I got used to dissasociating a lot in those years. When we moved back to our native country, and I started in a new school, the severe bullying started for real.I would start to get stomach pains and make up apologies to quit school - nobody intervened except a couple of teachers who told my parents that I had to go back to school. They were embarrassed over this, I do not know why but I felt it was all my fault. That I was too weak and helpless and that I could not confide in my parents that I had these troubles. I was 8 years old!

Often, there would be sparse food, or nothing to eat. I learned myself to cook and bake. First outburst of OCD happening.

As it turned out, my dad was very ill, and he dead when I was 10 years old. Nobody told me what was wrong basically untill it was over. Funeral, grief. Now what?

My mum and I move - back to the "old barnyard" - I miss my dad, hate mom. Bullying again - I am now used to being the loner everywhere I sit, go, breathe, eat, you name it. I am still mummy's good little Girl - actually, I get to comfort her in her grief. No help for me? I start to get nightmares and OCD again. Eating the pages from the books that I read.

Puberty hit me hard - feeling shame for developping - sexual shame. Found a new batch of friends and started to rebel, mum showed her ugly Medusahead and bullied me into submission. Hated myself for not standing up for myself in that period. Then she got diagnosed with a clinical depression and I stayed at home, took care of her and the household. Put my life on hold. Developed anorexia and a depression. Entering my first abusive relationship.

Ok, I need a break now, sorry... 

Thank you so much, Kizzie 

Thank you so much Rebel62, I really appreciate your welcome and kind words 

Thank you so much, Wife#2 - I have not shared my whole story or recent events that seem like they have retraumatized me, because I have gone from "just" feeling anxious and hypervigiliant to waking up almost every night from nightmares.  I guess I both need some valuable tools for the tool box so I can manage my own life and to read and learn. One again, thank you 

Thank you so much, jdCooper and Three Roses - I really do appreciate it

Hello everyone

Potential trigger

First of all, I am very grateful to find this forum and secondly, I do not know if I even belong here. I have not been to a therapist and I have not been diagnosed with C-PTSD. The diagnosis does not exist where I live, but I have been on SSRI medication for 15 years now, slowly coming off the medication for the last 2 years. Before that, I was diagnosed with a depression about 20 years ago when I was in my early 20s, but I did not stay medicated. I went to a psychiatrist for a while as a part of my treatment, and he was the first to point out that my family background was traumatizing - that came as a big surprise to me, initially, as I was under the assumption that my family was "normai".

Today as an adult I feel like I am going through the motions of life and I have no real grasp of who i am. I have a very low self esteem and social phobia. I have physical symptoms as well, often a pain/tightness in the throat and stomach. I also have a feeling that people in general are not to be trusted and that I am unlovable.

I was bullied in school and my upbringing was affected by a lot of moving around from one place to the other. My parents were quite distant. Quite stern atmosphere, not many laughs. Bullying and teasing from dad and brother. My sister has told me that I should never have been born, that my dad tried to commit suicide, when he heart of my mother's pregnancy. My dad died when I was little and I became my mother's shoulder to cry own. I did not get any help. Suffered a lot with death anxiety in my childhood and teens. My mum got the diagnosis depression, when I was a teen and I took care of the household. I wondered where everyone is in the family were at the time. I still wonder. At 18 I got Anorexia Nervosa and depression for many years. I have been trying to escape pain all my life and I want it to stop.

So, here I am, looking normal on the outside and feeling an absolute mess on the inside